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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband STILL isn't up.

169 replies

ifhink · 27/10/2019 13:05

H still isn't up. I work FT whilst he's a SAHP. DC were up at 8am (we had a rough night) and I got up. Been up twice to get him to come and yet nothing. I do all the night feeds with DC2. Earlier on in the week he said he wasn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He's going on holiday alone next week so I had to take a weeks holiday to watch the kids (we were not welcome to join him). AIBU to be mega pissed off?

OP posts:

bluebeck · 27/10/2019 13:51

his mum is paying and I have to pay her back come payday next month.

yeah, fuck that - his problem, not yours.

Stop the direct debit. See a solicitor urgently.

FabbyChix · 27/10/2019 13:51

Why are you paying for his holiday if he wants to check out he pays simple do you get equal spending money? Why does he have to have all the money?

thethoughtfox · 27/10/2019 13:52

Could you go part time now and then go for 50/50 residency then neither should have to support each other?

3dogs2cats · 27/10/2019 13:52

Oh my dear.i am so sorry.. you need to be really careful here, or you could find yourself homeless and forced to continue working to pay money to this man who will neglect your children, and control you by allowing and denying contact.
My advice is to stop work immediately he goes on holiday, as you have no childcare going forward. Speak to your fil and find out where his lsympathy lies. If he thinks his ds has been abusive, he may be prepared to continue to provide a home. Otherwise, take them and go to a refuge. Present yourself and the children to the local council and any other social housing provider.
Insisting you go back to work so soon after giving birth is abusive. Maternity leave is provided to enable mothers to recover, not just to care for the baby. I am so worried you will lose everything and spend the rest of your children’s lives condemned as the woman who abandoned them and allowed this tool to neglect them.
Don’t let that happen.

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 13:54

Normally I'd chime in 100% in support of the OP but this one makes me pause. If the roles were reversed would we be asking if the SAHP has always been like this, if they might be feeling depressed or a bit lost, if the working parent is really carrying the full load at home or if that's just what they see because they're at work all day while the SAHP wrangles kids.

Don't we often say that looking after small children is a fulltime job in itself?

Please don't get me wrong, based only on the info here he sounds like a lazy arse. It just seems that if a stay-at-home mum was unhappy and wanted a holiday alone we would maybe sympathise before we started saying her husband should cut her off from family money and change the locks.

GreySheep · 27/10/2019 13:54

@ifhink

I know it seems ridiculous but messed up childhood and I've never felt true love from someone until I met him.

I’m so sorry OP but you’ve still not felt true love. Not from this man. True love does not treat you like this

Fookadook · 27/10/2019 13:55

I can’t work out for one minute what you love about him. He does fuck all and takes you for a mug. Him leaving your child in their nappy all day is neglect. He is a total waste of space and the sooner you realise this the better. Up your standards OP.

Loopytiles · 27/10/2019 13:55

Get legal advice, fast.

SureTry · 27/10/2019 13:56

Did you say you live with your FIL? If so I wouldn't be paying his mother back for the holiday, you could find yourself homeless if he does end it and you'll need as much money as possible to set up a home for you and your DC.

Heronwatcher · 27/10/2019 13:56

Really sorry OP but it sounds like he has checked himself out of the marriage already. I would seriously be taking the advice above and making future plans without him.
I would also be seriously worried about what goes on with the kids when you’re not there- same nappy all day is really not ok and makes me wonder what else he does or doesn’t do.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I should also say that every friend of mine who has been in this situation and got themselves out of it has ended up much happier in the long run.

Pinkblueberry · 27/10/2019 13:56

So him not being up yet isn’t really the main issue then is it - with everything else you’ve said it sounds like he’s avoiding you and is therefor staying in bed. It’s a bit unclear what you want from him to be honest... are you keen to keep this relationship going?

Awaywiththepiskies · 27/10/2019 13:57

Has anyone called "cocklodger" yet?

Forcing you back to work after giving birth in the way he did is just abusive.

sunshinesupermum · 27/10/2019 13:57

his mum is paying and I have to pay her back come payday next month.

No you don't! Your money is needed for you and your kids now while he swans off on his 'single' holiday.

Pinkblueberry · 27/10/2019 13:59

Has anyone called "cocklodger" yet?

They should be. Referring to him as a SAHP is an insult to all proper SAHPs.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2019 14:00

I think the main things you need to remember are that;

1- No one can stop anyone from calling 'time' on a relationship. Either of you have the ability to end it at any time for any reason. That is both frightening and freeing.

2- If I understand correctly, you are living with his father. That means that if 'time' is called, YOU will be the one who will have to leave. And quite possibly leave without your children as he would be considered their primary carer (although a piss poor one) and your FiL's house their usual residence unless you've only been living there a short while.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP. Try to find one with 30 minutes free consult, but if you can then beg, borrow, or steal the money to pay for one. You need to know your legal position wrt access/residency and child maintenance. Don't think for a second that he will make this easy for you. Those children are his financial lifeline, just as they would be for a SAHM. You won't be treated any differently than a man with a SAH wife. The courts aren't going to look less favourably on him as a SAHD because 'a man should be working'.

Do you have any family or close friends you can confide in? If so, call one of them immediately and let them know what's going on. Even if you haven't spoken for awhile because he's isolated you from them (or you've isolated yourself) call anyway. Even if you're going to hear 'I told you so'. It is worth the 'lecture' to get their support.

BillieEilish · 27/10/2019 14:01

You cannot change the locks FFS.

Has he just announced he is going for a break? How did this come about? I sense a major backstory.

letsdolunch321 · 27/10/2019 14:03

This is madness, you may as well be a single parent living with a wank stain like him.

Give the mil - fuck all money back, he wants a break, make him find evening bar work to pay her back

Also, get legal advice regards where to go from here. He is taking the piss out of you and the children.

Tighnabruaich · 27/10/2019 14:03

Why do YOU have to pay his mum back for HIS holiday?????

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2019 14:05

The 'change the locks' posters seem to rarely read threads fully ( in this case they live with FIL) and even if they do, they tend to have no understanding of how the law works.

BeesKnees4 · 27/10/2019 14:09

his mum is paying and I have to pay her back come payday next month.
Seriously? What a joke!
He forced you back to work, you lost your home because he’s workshy, he does nothing in the house, barely cares for your child.
What is their to love?
Find a flat to rent and move when he’s on his little jolly.
Why are you putting up with this shiftless waster?

TryingToBeBold · 27/10/2019 14:10

Umm you're worried he will do something whilst he is away? I'll be surprised if he doesn't! He's already explained he isn't sure he wants to be with you.. and doesn't sound like he is winning dad of the year anytime soon
Start getting finances in order whilst he is away and learn to be less reliant on those rose tinted glasses...

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 27/10/2019 14:12

lunch321 is right.

This holiday is his choice and his responsibility - don't pay his mother back for his debt.

FFS - she isn't even available to look after her grandchildren while her useless son is swanning off to "find himself" - his debt, let him get a P/T job to sort it.

And if you are forced out, do what so many of the useless cocklodgers we hear about do - pack your job in and work cash-in-hand only so he can't sting you for maintenance. You can then present yourself as a full-time parent to your children, too. To leave an infant in a soiled nappy ALL DAY because he's too lazy to change her - that's child abuse. It's lucky she hasn't got horrific nappy rash.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 27/10/2019 14:13

If the roles were reversed and a female SAHP had forced her partner to go back to work two weeks after giving birth, I don't know that sympathy would be the first response.

Merryoldgoat · 27/10/2019 14:17

You said up thread that you feel like a mug. Well you are being a mug. But you can stop.

How can you love someone who doesn’t look after your joint children properly? Who doesn’t support you post partum? Who expects you to fund a holiday you’re not wanted on?

How? HOW?

Love isn’t words - it’s an action - he hasn’t shown you at all that he loves you.

Time to move on. Time to escape. Time to be free.

BillieEilish · 27/10/2019 14:23

Is the DD inn a nappy all day that is clean? She just isn't necessarily in clothes when OP comes home?

Isn't that what she said?

Or is the DD in a dirty nappy all day and PP's are saying this is abuse and it is amazing she hasn't got terrible nappy rash?

Am I being thick?

As usual people twist facts to 'make a film'. It doesn't help the OP to try and make matters seem worse does it?

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