Husband STILL isn't up.

[ifhink]

H still isn't up. I work FT whilst he's a SAHP. DC were up at 8am (we had a rough night) and I got up. Been up twice to get him to come and yet nothing. I do all the night feeds with DC2. Earlier on in the week he said he wasn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He's going on holiday alone next week so I had to take a weeks holiday to watch the kids (we were not welcome to join him). AIBU to be mega pissed off?

This isn’t a relationship it’s awful and abusive
How old are the children and does he properly look after them

@BillieEilish I know being a SAHP is hard work. I did it when DD1 was 4mo-12mo but H quit his job as he didn't want to do it anymore. We lost our (rented) house as a result.

Agree.. this is about a lot more than a man getting a lie in on a Sunday.
I’d be using the week that he’s away to get your paperwork in order, and perhaps even visit a solicitor. You need to find out what would happen if you did split. If he’s the sahp would he be going for residency on the basis of being primary carer? Because otherwise if the dc are living with you, there’s no way he can avoid going back to work.

@EggysMom not a joint account but my wages are a standing direct debit into his account from mine.

It’s brill that he’s going on holiday.
Get legal advice.
Whose name is the house in? Change the locks, get real life support and establish yourself as the main career for your kids.
By the time he gets back and starts court proceedings, it will be too late for him to try and go back to the way things were.
Probably be 100 posters telling me I’m wrong and if he was a SAHM things would be different but I’d be damned if I was going to support him.

If however you have progressed your career at the expense of his then I would suggest you owe him something.

@7yo7yo nothing because we live with his FIL (precious thread on that).

The more you post about him, the less I understand your love for him. This guy is a lazy, self indulgent arse who is about to go on holiday so he can "find himself" OP, one day, you will look back on this and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him. He is a twat.

@Quartz2208 yes and no. Won't brush DD1's teeth so I have to, often leaves her in a nappy all day (clean but no clothes), does no domestic work (I do laundry, tidying our room etc) but they're fed. Equal bath time.

Does he do all the housework in addition to being a SAHP? All the washing up, laundry, getting tea prepared, etc? Because that’s generally what female SAHPs do. So if he does, then it’s pretty fair division of labor. Though he still sounds pretty shitty for forcing you back to work so early, OP, because he refused to try to work and lost your house over it (!?!?).

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s not a toxic situation, and it doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you. When they say love covers a multitude of sins, that’s not always a good thing. Please know your worth.

@Raffles1981 no, see my PP

"He's going on holiday alone next week so I had to take a weeks holiday to watch the kids (we were not welcome to join him). "

He's checking out

He's the SAHP, so he wants to split and be an SAHP on his own, on his own terms while you continue to support him

• and without you doing the nights, your DC will be left to their own devices a lot

Urgent:
Move half of what is in the joint accounts to your own private account

• open a new one if you don't have an account he can't touch

You can't cut off your DC's main carer, your DH's, money because he had a lie in and is going for a 6 day break! It's financial abuse.

His mother is paying. He is obviously miserable about something.

If this was a woman...

Jesus.

Cross-posted. So he’s not a true SAHP. He’s workphobic out of the house and workphobic inside the house.

Please don’t let your life be a misery because you’re afraid you won’t be loved. You are worth more than this arse of a man.

@BigChocFrenzy I never said I'd financially cut him off? He gets the UC into his account but regardless, I wouldn't cut him off

I can’t fathom what the point of him is and why you love him?

Did you have an abusive childhood? Have you looked at the freedom program?

Sorry, meant to tag @BillieEilish

@Sexnotgender kind of

ifthink That's not cutting him off - I specifically said only to move HALF to your account
That includes any savings you've got

I know @BigChocFrenzy, sorry meant to gag @BillieEilish

And stop that direct debit today! Of course as the woh parent you pay the majority of bills, but that doesn’t mean turning over all your wages to him to do with as he pleases!
If you moved fast, by the time he gets back from his little holiday, you and the kids could be set up in your own wee flat.

I think him not getting out of bed is the least of your worries OP

This is too confusing to me. You get UC, yet you work? Yet he is a SAHP, yet you feel he is workshy? Yet his DM has paid for his break?

None of it makes sense. Sorry, being dim today and hope you work it out.

A partnership means support for BOTH parties.

He does not support you fiscally or physically. In fact buggering off for a week dropping you in it.

The loan for his trip is HIS loan and he should pay his mother back.

Plan your life without him in it.

Change the locks whilst he's away and find professional childcare for your DC. He can't be a SAHP if he's abandoned them for his midlife crisis and attempts to pull somebody else if he hasn't already found one, can he?

Yep, if you want to keep the kids after he splits, plan to move out with them while he's on holiday