AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

it's interesting how in some circles you will get hmm for breastfeeding and in others you will get shock for not. in my life had a i refused to BF people would definitely have judged (quietly, politely!) me for it.

The more I hear about this the more lucky I feel - I really never felt any pressure either way. I’ve met many new friends through baby groups - a lot breastfed, I combination fed and many went for formula and we’ve never judged/commented negatively about any of that. The only person we moan about a bit and judge is a mum who breastfed and won’t stop going on about it, as if she’s the only one, and who is extremely preachy about it on FB... I would never judge anyone for how they feed their child but I certainly judge preachy feeders and those who think it’s appropriate to comment on other people’s decisions about feeding

I didn’t breastfeed with either of my DC, due to comments like this. Looking back now I really wish I had given it a go and had more support from my family.

I found BF extremely difficult at first. However, you have to remember that it is a learnt skill, just like learning to drive.

Trouble is neither you nor your baby know what you are doing in the beginning, so I suggest that If there are any breastfeeding counsellors, or even specialist breastfeeding midwives in your hospital when you give birth, then ask to see them. They can give you some tuition.

BF shouldn't hurt but if it does, it is usually because the baby is not latched on correctly.

Good luck OP. I think about 1/3 of women find it pretty easy after the first couple days, 1/3 can get the hang of it with a little help, and the rest might be able to with lots of help that may not exist and it may not be worth the effort in a country where formula and clean water exist.

I needed a lot of help, then thrush treatment, used formula for a few feeds, but by 10 weeks mastered it and kept going over a year, partly to recoup the effort and cost! SIL had a baby just before me and apologised she couldn't help as 'I just stuck my tit in his mouth and it worked'! As she was young, she kept having HVs etc assume she was using formula...

The kellymom website was really helpful, with advice on how to hold large breasts.
The more knowledge the better - from 4 months I fed ds holding him sitting upright on my thigh, and lots of people commented they wished they'd known that was possible!

As our antenatal class teacher said, most women can feed with the right support. If you haven't seen a couple women breastfeeding every day of your lives, since childhood, in all manner of outfits and situations, then you haven't had the right support from society and don't feel its a personal failing.

I breastfed both my DCs. I didn’t find it painful although I had trouble getting firstborn to latch properly at first. They both put on plenty of weight while EBF. I can’t remember how old DD was when she slept through but DS was about 8 weeks when he started going from last feed at around 11pm to first feed at around 6.30am. Night feeds were easy anyway as no bottles to faff with and I only changed nappies if necessary. I fed DD for nearly 18 months and DS for just over 12 (he got too big for me to hold to the breast so switched to cows milk).

I breastfed primarily because it was free and I’m lazy! No horror stories about it from me.

Haven't read what others have said but you should absolutely do it if that's what you want.
Yes, it is hard to start with, you both have to learn how.
Yes, it's only you that can feed - at least at first until you've got things established but you can express and give a bottle later on so you can go out.

However, it is the most beautiful and natural experience and I'm sure you will regret at least not giving it a try.
Remember formula feed babies don't all sleep flawlessly either.

You don't have to worry about taking enough feed with you and if you are out and your baby is tetchy milk is there on tap.
No getting up in the night and having to wait for bottles to warm.
You are continuing to provide immunity to your baby.
Your baby is less likely to end up in hospital with a stomach upset.

My best advice would be to learn as much as you can about the process before - maybe contact the NCT or La Leche groups in your area and ask your midwife/HV if there are any breastfeeding support groups in your area.

People said exactly the same to me and I had the same attitude to bf as you do.
I literally had no issues with bf at all. No latch issues. No mh issues. I loved it. I did have one bout of mastitis which was agony but only lasted a couple of days and went away.
I know that I'm one of the very lucky ones but please don't feel discouraged by any comments.
If it doesn't work out for you, don't worry. You're doing the best thing by feeding your baby, whether it's best milk or formula.
Breast isn't best, Fed is best.

As a parent one very useful skill is to drown out the "noise" of every one else. You don't have to take on board anyone else's idea of what works, you need to give it a go for yourself. The buck very much stops with parents. I think a lot of the interference from (g)parents is because they are just used to that position of responsibility. Smile, say thank's even. But do what the hell YOU have planned. Being flexible and keeping an open mind definitely helps too. But you really are not obliged to anyone else's idea of "what's best".

There are so many misconceptions and a lack of honesty around bf which really irritates me.

Sadly one of these already perpetuated by an “expert” on the thread - that if it hurts you’re not doing it right THAT myth I am sure is what has put a LOT of women off bf in the early days.

I think of it as you’re using a muscle you haven’t used before and just as when you start doing that with a new exercise regime it hurts at first but as you get used to using it it gradually stops hurting, the same is true of bf. Your boobs aren’t used to working this hard so they resist at first.

I found the first couple of weeks were painful, then that stepped down to uncomfortable and around the 6 week mark it actually became a pleasant sensation.

I had an Emcs and dd was tube fed initially so I had to work quite hard to get her to learn to bf, luckily I had an amazing, very experienced midwife who was very encouraging.

It’s a new skill for you and baby so give both of you a break and don’t expect to get it perfectly right straight away. There can also be quirks that appear eg dd would feed in “normal” position off my left boob but hated turning her head to do the reverse on my right boob so I had to do a “rugby ball” hold with her that side to enable her to have her head in the position she preferred.

If you have a traumatic birth for any reason that can lead to milk taking longer to come in, doesn’t mean you can’t bf.

Another myth that unfortunately rather too many hcps seem to believe is that babies losing weight initially means they aren’t getting enough milk, it’s actually absolutely normal for bf babies to lose some weight initially, not too much of course but I’ve heard of in real life and far too many threads on here where mothers have been pressured by panicking, misinformed/ill educated hcps into switching to formula because a bf baby lost a little weight.

Cluster feeding also doesn’t mean there’s not enough milk, that’s what needs to be done to bring supply up.

At 10 months due to a medical condition I had to switch to formula literally overnight and I hated it to be honest.

Took a few trials until we found a formula dd didn’t projectile vomit for starters (which meant money wasted on the formulas she couldn’t tolerate - no social media etc then to be able to give theses to others who could use) then as pp said it’s a total faff/pita doing bottles! Bloody expensive too! I think for people who ease into it they maybe aren’t as conscious of the cost element whereas I went from fully bf one day to having to get bottles, teats, formula, steriliser, insulated bottle holders etc all in one day and the price!! Dd also couldn’t manage the silicon teats so they were a waste of money as we quickly replaced them with latex ones.

And as someone who also suffers with anxiety, mainly as I have ocd, I found making up bottles EXTREMELY stressful, both the hygiene aspect (if I knocked a bottle over or dropped a lid I had to start the whole washing and sterilising palaver all over again) and the being certain the mix was the right proportion also worried me - I used to say the number of scoop I was on out loud to reassure myself I’d done the right number of scoops, I was very aware that making mistakes with this can be harmful to baby. I didn’t trust ex at first to do bottles as he has FAR too laid back an attitude to such things, it was only after hv had spoken with him and I felt he really “got” that he had to be careful and not cut corners that I was able to trust him - I’d noticed him when making up bottles doing things like wiping snotty nose on back of hand or not levelling scoops with a knife/properly counting so it wasn’t totally my anxiety/ocd he was a bit lax.

And I hated the amount of planning necessary for being out of the house with bottles because they’re only safe x amount of hours even in an insulated carrier. It felt very restricting whereas with bf I could go out on a whim just grab the changing bag (already packed - I had a habit of replacing anything used while out as soon as I got home rather than waiting until I wanted to go out again) and not have to worry about when we got home again.

Where I was fortunate was I was living overseas when dd was born and bf in public was very much a non issue and totally normal there in a way it definitely wasn’t here! At least then (admittedly almost 19 years ago now and I have noticed things are improving) if anything where I was living at the time ff was frowned upon especially of very young babies - I don’t necessarily mean that’s right either but just saying it was a different culture.

I was quite determined to bf as I and many of my family members and exes family too have loads of allergies and it’s meant to be particularly good for babies with that genetic predisposition. I cannot know for certain of course if it was the bf but dd certainly has far fewer allergies than any of us, they’re less severe and a few she grew out of before she was even 2 years old.

My sister couldn’t bf at all her milk never came in with any of hers, which she found hard to come to terms with sadly, and I’m afraid all hers have lots of issues with allergies to the point of regularly needing hospitalisation (includes allergies to things which are incredibly hard to avoid).

Anecdotal I know but just something I’ve noticed.

Regarding sleep - I’ve only the one myself but I’ve looked after a LOT of babies including lots of overnights and I would say that ff babies sleeping better is a myth too. I would say it’s about the same for each method and what most influences sleep length and quality is a combination of baby’s personality/natural affinity for sleep and the bedtime routine, a calm relaxed but not overly long bedtime routine seems to work best.

Some baby’s are night owls, some are larks etc just like adults. This kinda buggered me as I’m a night owl and dd is very much a lark! So it FELT like she wasn’t sleeping enough because it killed me being woken for the day really early every day BUT she would settle for the night early too.

Parenthood is very much “best laid plans...” I ‘made up my mind’ to be as far as possible a relaxed not routine tied mum - dd soon put paid to that! She demanded a routine and created hell if it wasn’t adhered to! I now know that may have at least partly have been due to her having a disability which wasn’t diagnosed until she was 12, there were certain factors with that which in hindsight explain a lot!

You sound as if you have a good attitude to it all, but I agree with pp bf takes a certain amount of perseverance and bloody mindedness, generally a trait that is a con for me but in this instance proved useful. My mother calls me a ‘stubborn cuss’ 😂 affectionately I’m sure!

I think such traits are sadly especially useful in the uk where bf rates are so low and especially so past I would say 6 months which is ridiculous when certainly it’s very much recommended for at least a year and great if you can do longer too. I’d wanted to do at least a year but sadly the universe had other ideas.

Good luck with everything.

Oh and meant to say too that I think mixed feeding is very rarely mentioned too, I’ve a few friends/family who this worked for, best to establish bf/milk supply first but once you have this can also be an option.

Right. That's shit of them and I hope I can make you feel more positive about it.

I have two kids. Couldn't feed my eldest but I don't think that was just me, I think it was to do with her SEN. But I actually didn't want to and only tried because I knew I was meant to try, I felt pressured.

Felt like a failure because I didn't even manage to pump.

When I carried my second kiddy, I decided I really really wanted to try feed her myself. I knew it could be hard because of some issues I identified the first time round plus she was expected to have tongue tie, and my chronic illnesses would likely make it difficult.

Gave birth, she had her tongue tie corrected the day she was born (which many aren't lucky enough to have) and I developed a way of sort of flicking my ridiculously soft boobs into her mouth.

I had to be selfish, I spent a lot of time laying in bed with her at home, feeding her on my side. I did eventually express, and at four months I stopped altogether because my chronic fatigue was really bad and I didn't feel I could hold her to my breast in the night anymore.

I didn't at any point say I HAD to feed her til a particular time. I took it one day at a time. I attended a breastfeeding group within walking distance of my home. I had made Two other friends who were in the same position, our babies were all born in the same month. Neither of them judged me for stopping when I did. One stopped a few months after and the other stopped when hers was around 2 I think.

It was empowering, and it didn't matter that it wasn't forever.

I do believe that if it makes you feel like shit and it hurts all the time and it makes you miserable that it's fine to stop because continuing when it's never right for you in my opinion isn't worth causing yourself upset which your baby can sense.

Do what you want to do and ignore your friends. Everyone's experience is different. I'm proud of what I did. I've also learnt not to beat myself up over not feeding my eldest. It's the way it is, and both my kids have grown and thrived.

You do you. And shame on your friends.

Ignore the idiots - yes, BF can be hard but it can be bloody wonderful too. I miss it!

Please don’t let them put you off doing what you want to do. You might find it hard in the beginning, but you might not, you might feel it’s well worth carrying on until it becomes easier, or you might not. It’s all totally up to you though. I feel lucky that I managed to breastfeed both of my DC, one for 3 years and one for 6 months. I found it a lot easier when I could breastfeed them back to sleep, and when out and about, when they’d hurt them self etc. I had one brilliant sleeper and one terrible, then being breastfed it’s formula fed didn’t seem to make any difference.

Cluster feeding also doesn’t mean there’s not enough milk, that’s what needs to be done to bring supply up.

This.

My midwife described it as the baby putting their order in for next weeks milk

People just love to scare you. Unfortunately lots of women don't get the support they need which leads to these stories. Eurgh the right support breastfeeding absolutely is fine. Not easy, but what is? Many women around the world manage it. I second getting hold of a copy of the positive breastfeeding book. It really helped me by talking through what was normal. It hasn't been easy but nowhere near as bad as I expected.

Kellymom is an excellent resource.

Research what is normal. So many people have no experience of bf and expect bf babies to behave like ff- they don’t, at all.

Sadly this (frequent feeding, cluster feeding, night feeding past 6 weeks, feeding 1/2 hourly) is often interpreted as “not enough milk” and people give up. Then you give an easily accessible, hard to digest formula feed and they conk out for the prescribed 4 hours- “proof” they were starving.

Bf babies digest quicker so they feed far more. Even more when they are growing and need to up your supply. It’s normal. But people will tell you it isn’t. All the time. And it takes quite a bit of confidence to ignore them and not start worrying...

I did bf my 3 however I did used to give one bottle of formula at bedtime as I really needed a break to get on with other things (no family help, moved to new area) and cannot get more than a few drops expressing. Just to let you know that combination feeding is also an option if things don't work out the way you planned. Also second a pp about Kellymom being a great resource.

I didn't attempt to bf DC1 due to all the negativity plus I felt absolutely overwhelmed by all the visitors whilst juggling being a new mum. With DC2 I bf in hospital as I had no visitors that time but cracked when we came home. Due DC3 and determined to give it a proper go. I'll regret it otherwise. With DC2 she transitioned well onto formula so if I was you just give bf a go knowing that if it doesn't work out you'll be absolutely fine switching to formula.

I found it tough the first few weeks and decided I would carry on until six weeks and then stop. Still breastfeeding now at 11 months! I love that bonding feeling when he snuggles into me for a feed.

Only you know what’s right for you.

Sounds like you have the right attitude towards baby feeding..I too had a rainbow baby earlier this year and didn't actually believe it until the day he was born..I am breastfeeding and the beginning was tough..I was going to stop million times but I was told not to stop on a bad day..so I carried on day after day and suddenly around 8 week mark everything just got easy..he is nearly 7 months now and I can honestly say for myself that breastfeeding is the best thing I have ever done in my life, never I experienced anything more rewarding..however saying all this your attitude is right..you will see how you get on and take it from there..wish you all the best x

Ignore everyone. Your labour and bf experience will be different because you and your baby are different. Ypur approach is perfect and very oprn minded. The feeding forum is great on here if you need some practical advice. Prepare yourself for clusterfeeding- read about it so you know what is normal. Try and enjoy the rest of your pg. I know it is impossible after what you've been through, but do try.

Congratulations and I think you have a very healthy attitude.

One thing to remember when you have a baby is to everyone will try to tell you what to do, ignore them and do what you feel is best.

Do try breastfeeding, yes it can sometimes be challenging but so can all parts of parenthood. There is nothing like looking down at your growing, breastfeeding baby and know you did that.

I think the best thing to do re. cluster feeding is give in to it! Get comfy, Mumsnet on your phone or book on your Kindle, don't worry about how long you're there. Have drinks and snacks in reach. I sometimes got a bit stressed with the first one during the cluster feeding stage. With dd2 I just went with it. Try to get feeding laying down cracked early, it's much nicer to just cuddle up in bed with the baby.

Do what you want. I really get sick and tired of hearing about breast feeding vs bottle feeding. So glad my own dc are no longer babies.

I read that the long term benefits of breast feeding are only just coming to light. That their is positive health advantage in adults that were breast fed as babies.

I only managed 13 weeks for each of mine. I gave it a go, but had I realised the longer term implications I might have persevered. This was 20 years ago and breast feeding was encouraged but going onto a bottle was also the norm.

Give it a go, you might find it really easy! Plus it will save you loads of money on formula.

Your plan of seeing how things go sounds great. I'm not sure if anyone has said anything about this but there are some great Facebook support groups for breastfeeding (and also Can I Breastfeed In It? Facebook group which is for breastfeeding friendly outfit ideas!). Maybe a different support network is what you need, just whilst you are getting started.