AIBU: people trying to scare me/put me off breast feeding

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I’m pregnant and due in January. Due to a traumatic pregnancy loss in second trimester previously, and a MMC before that, pregnancy has been tough and I’m trying not to put too many expectations on myself for labour/birth/feeding etc.
On the subject of feeding, I’ve said all along I want to try and give breast feeding a go, and if it doesn’t work out or I don’t get along with it, I won’t put pressure on myself to carry on. Seems like an open minded approach to me. But since I’ve said I’m going to give it a go, nearly all of my friends who are doing it or have done it have just gleefully told me stories of how awful it is.
Painful, difficult, stressful, bad for your mental health, you’ll never sleep again, it will ruin your relationship, you get no support etc etc
A couple of them are actively saying I should just skip to formula because it’s what they wish they could do.
MIL and DM have also said they don’t think I should breast feed as I’ve struggled with anxiety this year and why put more pressure on myself.

It’s made me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed about a decision I was feeling quite positive about initially (and I’ve really struggled with the idea of planning for newborn as I still can’t quite let myself believe it wilL happen!).

AIBU to feel this way and think they’re being a bit unkind? AIBU to think giving it a go is the best way forward and going from there?

I’m probably feeling worse because I have a stinking cold and SPD so I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine anyway

I'm breastfeeding and here are my two cents:

• Hurt a lot for a couple of weeks, now it's easy and nice (I was sceptical of people who told me this during those first two weeks!);
• I worried a lot about whether I had enough milk at different times of day. It was and is fine.
• turns out baby had a massive undiagnosed tongue tie found at 8 weeks when he became fussy. All sorted but watch out for it even if they're gaining really well as people tend to dismiss it so long as baby is gaining weight
• I expressed during the day, and later after baby had gone to bed to feed am expressed bottle of milk as the last day feed which DH could give (break for you!)
• during the tongue tie debacle we ran out of expressed and gave baby formula for last feed. I was surprised how reluctant I felt about it given I've always genuinely thought fed is best. It was great and we still usually use formula for the last day feed as it takes expressing pressure off me. Make sure you really truly are ok with giving formula of breastfeeding doesn't work/ you need some back up. It's FINE!

Good luck!

Breastfeeding has never been hard for me, from the beginning. I never gave much thought to it before had my first, don't convince yourself it's hard before you've even tried. If it is too hard, stop, and don't feel guilty about it.

Also second the benefits of one handed feeding! I'm feeding now!

FWIW (given the variation in babies and many other factors, not much!) mixed fed baby is a pretty decent sleeper and at 13 weeks has started a phase of 9 hours night sleeping without needing is and about 11 hours from last day feed to first day feed (he's being woken by wind/bowel movement after 9 but goes back to sleep again!)

Please do some research as it’s impossible for staff to dedicate hours helping you establish breastfeeding. It’s always so much more helpful when people have actively looked into how to breastfeed.
Also do some colostrum harvesting from 37 weeks so you have some expressed breast milk to give baby when breastfeeding is inevitably a struggle initially.

I breastfed both of mine. My first I really struggled with for about 6weeks but then it all fell into place. My second she latched on within literally 1 minute of being born...I was so relived! For me the pros were that you could be anywhere and just feed. I didn’t have to think about what I needed to take out or how long I would be (other than nappies etc!) Also once I mastered feeding lying down in bed I used to snooze through a feed.

My advice to all new parents (I'm 20 years in):

Follow your instincts. You know what's right for you. Gathering other opinions can be helpful but recognise that they're less important than your opinion.

Choose and buy one book only for each stage of parenting. All the books have a different approach and it's easy but unhelpful to get drawn in different directions, especially in the early years when sleep deprivation can make you doubt yourself.

That's it! And congratulations.

I'm currently breastfeeding my 4 month old DD. It was a bit all encompassing at the start but the way I see it is that is mother nature's way of letting you have a rest. Don't think about the cleaning/washing up/cooking etc, that can all wait. Im a midwife and so i have quite a lot of experience with BF but nothing prepared me for the overwhelming positive feeling i get from BF. The first couple of weeks were tricky but manageable if you accept help and don't push yourself too hard. In the weeks leading up to the birth I made sure I had a lot of snacks available for the first few weeks and put some in my bedside drawer for night feeding. Maybe try and see if your hospital does an antenatal breastfeeding class you could attend. Many areas also have breastfeeding cafes which are great for socialising. Good luck OP.

The comment you had, OP, about bottle fed babies sleeping better is a load of tosh - either that or someone forgot to inform our DS!

He ended up bottle fed as I was having problems, didn't have a great midwife and he was ill with a heart condition when he was born so everything sort of imploded and I never really got in the rhythm.

The good points about bottle feeding was that we could take it in turn to feed and, because of DS's heart condition he was on little and often so having a rota break was great.

BUT, whoever was on duty had to warm the bottle; every bottle had to be sterilised and, because of the little and often, we had stacks of bottles! Going out for the day was like a military operation (which it is with any baby but you add a ton of bottles and it's like a D-day landing!)

If we underestimated travelling times and didn't take enough cartons or formula DS had to wait for a feed.

And DS didn't sleep more than 4 hours a night without waking until he began pre-school at 3 years old. He used to get up at 4am when he was a toddler! Nightmare.

Give it a go. If it works, great. If it doesn't (as my breast feeding counsellor said to me) don't beat yourself up - baby gets fed either way. I used to get looks when I pulled out a bottle - couldn't give a monkey's do-dah. My baby was growing, he was well nourished and we were happy - job done.

Ignore the nay-sayers. Every woman and every baby is different. Work out your own routine and enjoy it.

Good luck!

Cringing at the people saying it’s easy to sleep whilst breastfeeding, just have a doze as baby feeds. You do realise the risk of SIDS?

It was a doddle, always there, no faffing with bottles, sterilisers etc., did both of mine until after their first birthday, really missed it afterwards!

Remember, people enjoy sharing their bad experiences, think Monty Python Four Yorkshiremen sketch, those of us who breezed through from conception are usually criticised for 'not understanding' the problems!
If you do have problems, as my daughter did, don't wait for the 'professionals' to advise you to stop, do what you feel is right for both of you. My daughter struggled for weeks and when she decided to give up her 'professional' said she should have done it sooner but that she wasn't allowed to give that advice!

Cringing at the people saying it’s easy to sleep whilst breastfeeding, just have a doze as baby feeds. You do realise the risk of SIDS?

From the lullaby trust website:

FAQs: I am worried I might fall asleep while I breastfeed my baby at night, is this ok?

Breastfeeding reduces the chance of SIDS, so we would always try and help you work out a way to continue breastfeeding in the safest way possible. If you feel you might fall asleep we would recommend you prepare the bed as described above so it is safer for baby if this happens. Make sure you know the advice on when never to bed share so you know when to take particular care. It is really important that you do not accidentally fall asleep with your baby on a sofa or armchair. If you think you might fall asleep on a sofa or armchair, put the baby down in a safe place to sleep.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Breastfeeding worked for me, and once you have it sorted its really useful and much less hassle when out and about. But! It can take at least two or three weeks to get right, which probably will be difficult emotional weeks anyway, because newborns! I think people see lovely pictures of breastfeeding and forget that is the end point not the beginning. If you accept there will be a learning curve, and do some reading about how to avoid the common problems , you might have more success in the long term. My first time bf I got hideous mastitis and was in pain etc but did have good support from dh and I also visited a bf support clinic at my local hospital who helped me with ways to hold the baby. Good luck! All the best.

Cringing at the people saying it’s easy to sleep whilst breastfeeding, just have a doze as baby feeds. You do realise the risk of SIDS?

Safe and planned co-sleeping is not a risk. In a safe place, in a safe position, with no risk factors such as tiny perm baby, drunk mother or existing conditions, you can sleep with baby next to you feeding on and off all night.

On SIDS and bf: I had a moses basket on a stand right by the bed so I could hoike them out to feed, put them back down without too much getting up and down. You don't have to co-sleep, there are lots of ways,

There is so much good advice on here and measured views from both sides, I feel a bit overwhelmed. Thank you so much for all the supportive comments - crazy to get more support and advice from strangers on the internet than in real life.

Thanks to the posters who have emphasised how important it is to keep an eye on your own mental health during the journey, and to those who have said not to underestimate how emotional I might feel if it doesn’t work out/I decide not to.

I will save this thread so I can look back at it and ensure I am stocked up on nipple cream and shields. I will also search out local support groups. I’m on the fence about attending standard antenatal classes at the moment - both my counsellor and birth trauma midwife agree that it could potentially be a serious anxiety trigger for me - so having all this info is really invaluable.

You’ve all given me a bit of a boost and made me feel quite confident in my decision, but with a few additional things to bear in mind/consider and be aware of at the same time.

My formula fed DS was a terrible sleeper! Stick to your plan OP and see how you get on. Ignore the naysayers and try and avoid or minimise conversations with them about feeding. Those that are mothers made their own choices and you should too. Good luck with it.

I did it. DS latched on ok from the beginning more or less. I found it a natural thing to do and fine to breastfeed in public as long as wearing the right clothes. DS seemed to love it and grew very quickly, from being a very low birthweight.
As a relatively lazy person I liked that I didn't have to make up formula, or but it, and that it encourages sitting around quietly with baby. And that you don't have to get out of bed for night feeds.
When it was time to give up, 11 months for me, and he started biting and chewing my nipple a bit; ouch!, it wasn't much of a hassle. He went onto bottles/ cups easily.

I think people are out of order for discouraging you. Do what you feel is best for you.

When my midwife came around she asked where baby slept and I dutifully showed her the cot, in our room, no extra blankets or toys etc and she said “Why? You’re breastfeeding and it’s much easier if baby is in with you as long as you do it safely”. I was all but that’s what we do now.

I was nervous about breastfeeding, my mother had struggled and suffered pnd, she was keen to protect me. In the end it was fairly straightforward and I fed 2 babies for around 20 months each. Of course it was a bit restrictive, but actually they're tiny for such a short period I really didn't mind that much. It was brilliant to not have to worry about bottles, my babies were super content and being able to immediately comfort them, being able to soothe them without getting up in the night.
People bring their baggage to parenting advice, it's generally more about them than you. Your outlook seems really sensible. Good luck x

Congratulations!

I would say do not take any notice of what anyone else thinks.

The best you can do is give it a try and feed on demand. I breastfeed both my children and I can’t imagine not breastfeeding. It is a new thing to learn for you and baby but if there’s no issues like tongue tie there’s no reason you can’t have a straight forward time with it. Tongue tie is something that can be sorted by the way.

The comments about sleep are stupid - babies sleep patterns are all over the place for a long time , it doesn’t matter how you feed them.

Just give it a go , go with the flow and take it a day at a time. If you give birth in hospital there will be a midwife or similar who can help if you have problems with the latch to start. Honestly you will be fine. Don’t listen to anyone else.

People are so diverse in their views and experiences and because it is tied into the emotion and hormone charged time of new motherhood they are also opinionated. Try not to overthink it. You may find it easy or you may find it hard. What will be will be.

But if you do want to give it a go, read up about it and go to classes as it’s not a easy as just swapping the bottle for the boob.

Try if you want to, I've always liked breastfeeding. Use loads of lansinoh cream, nipples very a bit tired in the initial month or so. No need after that though. I've no idea what they mean about you not getting support if you're breastfeeding; you'll get support or not, nobody normal's going to make that contingent on how you feed the baby. Get the latch right, and keep asking for help if it hurts because it shouldn't. There's a huge difference between the slight ache of early nipple overuse and bad latch / thrush / mastitis. If you have emotional difficulties then be very prepared for the hormone crash on day 4/5 after the birth, pretty much everyone gets grumpy and cries a lot, but forewarned is forearmed, your DH can be primed to remind you it's hormones and ride it out. Enjoy your newborn, some people struggle but for us it was a wonderful and special time that I'll remember forever with a kind of warm joy I'd never truly known before.

I found breastfeeding very easy and painless from the first feed on. I actually thought I was doing it won't because it didn't hurt - having heard all the same negative comments you have throughout my pregnancy from colleagues who FF. Pain is not a given. Best of luck for labour and BF.

it's interesting how in some circles you will get for breastfeeding and in others you will get for not. in my life had a i refused to BF people would definitely have judged (quietly, politely!) me for it.

fwiw i breastfed my first for 20 months and at no point was it anything other than minorly. uncomfortable or a problem. it's portable, free, no extra work of bottled etc involved, no one ever gave me a second glance BF in public, i enjoyed spending special time with my DS, everyone's experiences are different - mine were very positive so don't believe it's a horror show and if you want to give it a try then do it with your head held high.. you never know you might help a future mother who is feeling judged to give at try too!!

Good luck OP. Do what you want and see how it goes. I breastfed both my DS’s until they were 18mths and 12mths old. I found breastfeeding my first DS difficult for the first couple of days but once we both got used to it we were fine. Yes it’s tiring, you don’t/can’t get much help from your OH unless you express but you can get support in other ways. OH looking after the baby when baby is fed and you need a nap, OH taking the baby out for a walk whilst you nap etc. I was lucky and both DS’s and I took to it all fairly well - I understand it’s not the case for everyone and would never judge anyone who decided on formula. I think the main positives for me were that I just needed to wop a boob out when baby needed feeding (no p*ssing about making bottles when I’d had about 20mins sleep in 24hrs) and cost. Just needed to feed myself and not pay for all the formula feed. I feel sad that you’ve had such negative views from those close to you. Go with your gut feeling and work from there