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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM upset she won't be a grandma to a girl

179 replies

GoWhistle · 25/10/2019 20:48

NC so this doesn't follow me around - my DM phoned today to tell me DB is expecting his forth healthy boy (scan was done this morning) DB and I don't speak but I wish his family well.

After telling me the news, DM said "I'm just gutted you won't be giving me the opportunity to be a grandmother to a girl" and she started crying. I reminded her that she has three lovely grandsons and another on the way. She replied saying she would have loved a granddaughter and continued crying. I said I had to go and ended the phone call.

She knows DH & I are infertile after years of heartache, AIBU to think she's being somewhat tactless? Or am I only seeing it from my POV?!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/10/2019 20:46

Your mother is horrible and the root of all of your anxiety.

The second you get away from her for good the better.

She is a poisonous old cow.

AnotherEmma · 26/10/2019 20:50

"We were split up as siblings when we were young because our parents divorced"

Am I right in thinking that you lived with your mother and your brother lived with your father?
Do you have a relationship with your father at all?

It's impossible for us to understand your mother's motives, as she's clearly very dysfunctional as a parent, but I wonder if she might feel some guilt about letting your brother go while you stayed with her, hence giving him money. I might be wrong of course and I expect there's a lot more going on. But whatever the explanation it's certainly about her, not you.

user1498572889 · 26/10/2019 20:54

What a thoughtless thing to say. Does she have form for this sort of thing?
I agree with the poster who said “stop speaking to your mum and start speaking to your brother”.

AnotherEmma · 26/10/2019 20:55

RT FT OP's posts

Echobelly · 26/10/2019 20:56

Shocking if she actually put it as 'you won't be giving me', as if it was your choice! I thought this might be about the OP only having boys or having chosen not to have kids (and it would be bad enough then).

I think the best response might be to wait a few days and then say something like 'Mum, do you realise that what you said the other day was really hurtful to me?' - at least give her a chance to perhaps say 'I'm sorry, I got carried away'.

user1498572889 · 26/10/2019 21:03

Sorry OP I went from page 1 to page 7 without realising it.
Your mum is nasty and thoughtless. You should move away. Family is not everything especially when they affect your MH. I cut contact with my nasty father after trying to have some sort of relationship with him for years. It was such a relief and I never regretted it.

1Morewineplease · 26/10/2019 21:06

I’m sorry but your DM has been incredibly thoughtless. I don’t have anything else to say as it’s just nasty. I would be inclined to reduce my contact with her and if she asks why then I would tell her why.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 26/10/2019 21:12

Am I right in thinking that you lived with your mother and your brother lived with your father?

It's complicated - we were all together until DM left the 'family home' when I was 8, then DF threw me out when I was 11, he never liked me (said I was a bad apple). I stayed with a friend until my DM was found a few weeks later (I hadn't seen her since she left) and then I moved in with her and her then-boyfriend, so I didn't see my DB from age 11 until I was an adult.

DM didn't see DB (her DS) from when she left, until I facilitated contact with them both after I'd got in touch with DB. I hope all that makes sense.

Our Dad - no contact at all since I was 11. When I asked if he wanted to meet with me again (via letter) I had no reply. DB when we did speak confirmed DF wanted no relationship with me and considered himself to have no daughter.

Maybe because I know how awful rejection feels, I just find it hard to consider doing the same to anyone else.

I thought this was how 'normal' families were until I was a lot older.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/10/2019 21:14

Oh my goodness. What bastards. Both your parents have treated you horribly. And your brother didn't fare much better.

I'm glad you have a DH, he is your real family.

Flowers
Original poster
GoWhistle · 26/10/2019 21:22

Thanks so much AnotherEmma, maybe you're right and I need to stop thinking about family in blood terms.

I'm lucky that my MIL is lovely, too. When DH & I married she wrote a lovely note to me; thinking about it, we could move closer to her! She'd love that :)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2019 21:31

GoWhistle I said before my son is adopted, but I didn't say that my MIL and FIL are like parents to me now as mine are dead (old age - I am older now!).

Friends have become my family. I do have a lovely sister but we don't see each other that often. I am a big fan of making your own family from people you like to be around. We have people in our loves who are like aunties and uncles to the kids, and their kids are like cousins. It didn't happen over night and I'm not under any illusions it is family, but they are friends who we depend on.

There are even some elderly friends who are a a bit like grandparents in that they know the kids and seem to care.

I very much believe in building the family you need from the people who are available to you (and being in good relationship with them). It does take time but it doesn't take blood!

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 21:41

I would have thought she'd have given her son money in the hope that he would pay you back with it.

Iloveacurry · 26/10/2019 21:42

Your family sounds absolutely awful. Please move far far away from your mother, please!

Your brother and father, well no great loss there. Take care x

Micsam89 · 27/10/2019 00:48

What a horrible woman. You are definitely NBU. DH and I are childfree by choice, this devastates my mother. It drives me insane when my mother brings it up, it is not her right to expect me to make her a grandma. Same with your mother Flowers

yoursworried · 27/10/2019 01:04

Oh my word this is an awful thing to say to your infertile daughter. And pretty offensive to the brother who has 4 boys - how lucky she is to be a grandma at all. I'd struggle to remain in contact for a while after this

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2019 03:09

You sound very principled. Make sure your desire not to hurt others by rejecting them isn’t leading you to reject yourself and your needs. I think when your father called you a bad apple he was projecting. You’re the only good one in your entire family.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 27/10/2019 03:43

Some DMs are just never happy, mine told me "she would try not to be disappointed" when I told her my oldest was a boy - between me my siblings she now have 7 DGS! Please just ignore her

WhinyWa · 27/10/2019 03:58

How much was the loan to your brother?
Does he feel like you got the better end of the deal as a child and this was his punishment to you?
They all sound selfish, your mother sounds mentally ill.

Seahorseshoe · 27/10/2019 04:03

I don't think she thinks it's your fault she's not having a granddaughter, I just don't think she thinks of anyone but herself. In other words, I don't think she was bashing you, but being extremely thoughtless. Yanbu, op.

My DSis had 6 daughters in a row, in the days before people knew what the sex of a baby was before it was born, the "it's another girl" telephone relays were met with much laughter in our family. They are all an absolute blessing, each one of them different.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 27/10/2019 07:22

How much was the loan to your brother?

£5k from me, he said he needed a new car and his washing machine had broken. I had started saving for a house deposit a year previously and felt awful I had money sitting there that could help him. He said he'd pay back £150 a month but after the bank transfer he stopped speaking to me.

My DM gave him ten times that amount. I assume she felt guilty because of the years she didn't see him so was 'making it up' to him? I'm really not sure why she told me, I think if have rather not known! Confused

OP posts:
buzzkills · 27/10/2019 07:25

She is v unreasonable - LTB

WhinyWa · 27/10/2019 08:04

He stopped speaking after.
I dunno how these people can live with themselves.

Adversecamber22 · 27/10/2019 08:21

My mother was on a scale similar to yours, DS has said how much happier I am since she died. I was incredibly low contact with her for many years. My MIL has been more of a mother to me than mine ever was. If you can relocate I would recommend it, I did in my twenties and it was a very good decision. I’m glad you have your DH and MIL.

RightYesButNo · 27/10/2019 08:23

Like @AnotherEmma, I’d really recommend you check out the Stately Homes thread for ongoing support. While as you said, OP, it’s not “normal” to have to feel like this about your family growing up, SO many people do know what it’s like to have family members who make it clear that their love is either conditional or that they haven’t any at all, in the way one would hope families would, and many of them are over on that thread.

It sounds like you’re on the right track, having a wake-up call that you don’t have to do this anymore. You’d can leave! You can move closer to lovely MIL (if you want to)! Despite how your mother has treated you, you will no doubt feel some guilt about doing so, which is what support and counseling are for: to give you that extra lift so you can finally be free to do what’s best for you.

Good luck, OP! Flowers You can do this. Even if your mother is awful, even if your brother is worse, even if you have GAD, even if it’s been a truly rotten road until now - you are capable of this, and more.

Comtesse · 27/10/2019 08:33

Hi OP I second the recommendation for Toxic Families by Susan Forward. There will be a lot in there that you recognise. To get any clarity on this I would also agree with previous recommendations of psychotherapy and think about someone who specialises in attachment theory. Your family sound spectacularly awful, every single one of them. It is not your fault but this kind of abuse will have affected you a lot. Yes move away, and give your DH a hug he sounds great. I too have a better relationship with my MIL than my mother. Flowers to you