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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM upset she won't be a grandma to a girl

179 replies

GoWhistle · 25/10/2019 20:48

NC so this doesn't follow me around - my DM phoned today to tell me DB is expecting his forth healthy boy (scan was done this morning) DB and I don't speak but I wish his family well.

After telling me the news, DM said "I'm just gutted you won't be giving me the opportunity to be a grandmother to a girl" and she started crying. I reminded her that she has three lovely grandsons and another on the way. She replied saying she would have loved a granddaughter and continued crying. I said I had to go and ended the phone call.

She knows DH & I are infertile after years of heartache, AIBU to think she's being somewhat tactless? Or am I only seeing it from my POV?!

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 26/10/2019 09:01

Your mum is horrible. How dare she put that on you. Flowers

ForestDweller27 · 26/10/2019 09:10

Gosh I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. My OH’s Nan is a bit like this with his DM. Has there been a fall out over you not talking to your brother? It could be she is trying to punish you for this.

peardrops1 · 26/10/2019 09:13

Your mum is vile, OP. I'm really sorry, because you sound lovely and it must have been really difficult growing up with her. I want to say cut her out of your life, but I know it isn't always as simple as that.

diddl · 26/10/2019 09:17

I wouldn't even give her an excuse.

Just that you have to cancel.

She sounds worse & worse with each post.

If she was a friend you wouldn't put up with it & wouldn't bother with them any more.

So why put up with it from your mum?

She should actually care more & imo be held to a higher standard than her friend.

Her love should be absolutely unconditional.

She's so awful that how could never seeing her again be any loss to you at all?

SmileyGiraffe · 26/10/2019 09:22

I'm sorry that your family are fucking vermin. Just concentrate on having the best life you and DH can have and forget that pack of bastards.

PeterRouseTheFleshofMankind · 26/10/2019 09:26

Jesus, I was ready to advise you to tell her to get the fuck over herself before I got to the bit about your infertility.

How can someone be so selfish?!

I would seriously consider just cutting contact with her altogether tbh.

Bellringer · 26/10/2019 09:27

Tell her to grow up. Sorry for your trouble

ConfCall · 26/10/2019 09:44

She’s a spectacularly vile person OP. Think about cutting contact, for your own sake. Start by cancelling today. This is such an unhealthy dynamic.

MillieMoodle · 26/10/2019 09:47

YANBU, especially given your situation. She will have four beautiful grandsons.

My DM is desperate for a granddaughter. When we had DS1 she was happy but made it clear she wanted a granddaughter. When we had DS2 she was very disappointed that he was a boy. We had been trying for a year for a second child and were over the moon when he arrived safely. They are now 8 and 3 and there are still comments about not having a granddaughter. She even suggested we should have a third child to see if it was 'third time lucky'. Aside from the fact that we can't afford it, my last pregnancy was very difficult, and I feel I'm too old, she offers absolutely no help or support or babysitting! She basically wants us to have a daughter so that she can tell people she has a granddaughter. She is very annoyed that my cousin has had three girls!

CatsOnCatnip · 26/10/2019 09:49

You don’t need an excuse, just tell her your upset and angry at her and if you really need to spell out EXACTLY why, then do! What a silly woman.

CatsOnCatnip · 26/10/2019 09:49

*you’re

TheMaddHugger · 26/10/2019 09:50

Massive ((((((((madd Hugs)))))) GoWhistle💐🌺💐

Original poster
GoWhistle · 26/10/2019 09:55

I've just text her to cancel today, it feels so much better knowing I don't have to see her later.

Since the infertility diagnosis, I have been thinking about moving away. DM lives very close by, still in my hometown, which has a lot of bad memories; perhaps a fresh start somewhere far away is what DH and I both need.

OP posts:
candative · 26/10/2019 09:59

Perhaps OP your mother being in your life is holding you back emotionally. I suspect moving away might give you a new lease of life and make you a lot stronger. You've got a good bond with your husband so you are not alone. Maybe you need to focus on positive people in your life, I'd reduce contact with your mum for sure, you don't owe her although you might think you do,

cathpinc · 26/10/2019 10:01

'Yes, it's a shame, Mum - maybe you should have had more children, though? But you didn't. Oh well, don't blame yourself too much.'

Tistheseason17 · 26/10/2019 12:31

Moving away sounds like a great idea.

RainbowAlicorn · 26/10/2019 12:42

Yes move away OP, a fresh start for you and your DH is exactly what you need. Your mother is a grade A bitch. Please run as far away from her as you can as fast as you can.

SilverySurfer · 26/10/2019 13:04

That is shocking. I couldn't have children and if anyone had said that to me back then, even my DM, I would have removed them from my life. So sorry you had to deal with such selfishness and stupidity. Flowers

Majorcollywobble · 26/10/2019 13:20

Sensing you a sincere message of support . Flowers
You are obviously a lovely forgiving person . Not just to your mother but also your brother and his wife . It’s been interesting with each post you’ve made that you are sharing and hopefully shedding much of the nastiness of the past .
You have loaned your brother and his wife money - their reaction is not one of gratitude but of entitlement and animosity that you dared to mention it was forgotten but wanted a relationship with them .
Regard them as so much doo doo on your shoe you lovely girl .
At first it seemed your mother was being incredibly insensitive and thoughtless - now it’s clear her attitude is toxic and narcissistic in the extreme . Both her and your brother dislike being in your debt and respond with nastiness .
Thank goodness you have a wonderful husband. A cat would be a better mother than the one you were given .
Don’t change the way you look at life - stay the sweet person you are but as you have started to do already put distance between your mother and yourself to protect your relationship and your peace of mind x

WellVersedInEtiquette · 26/10/2019 13:21

I would like to second the counselling. I genuinely think it would help you. X

incognitomum · 26/10/2019 13:41

Moving sounds like a good plan.

MsRinky · 26/10/2019 13:52

I honestly believe that getting away from your utterly poisonous mother would do wonders for your GAD. You poor soul.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/10/2019 13:52

An icy cold breeze? Grin. I think your husband sounds great. I am so glad you have him Smile.

I am also glad that this thread is helping you to see things more clearly. I would definitely recommend very low contact with your mother. Regarding your brother, it seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in that case.

busybarbara · 26/10/2019 14:08

She’s wrong for making a big deal out of it with you but she is absolutely not wrong for having those feelings.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 26/10/2019 14:35

she is absolutely not wrong for having those feelings

That's why I thought I might be unreasonable, as she's entitled to be upset about not having a grand-daughter. But she does have a son, daughter and grandsons, (she re-married too) and me being childless is not my choice so I still think it perhaps wasn't a nice thing to say. I'd rather not be blamed for something I can't change, and her keep her feelings to herself, even if that's selfish of me?

I'm feeling ridiculously sorry for myself today, and I think I just broke my little toe after bumping into the (very solid) dining table leg.

I'll go give my head a wobble. After getting a grip. :(

OP posts: