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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM upset she won't be a grandma to a girl

179 replies

GoWhistle · 25/10/2019 20:48

NC so this doesn't follow me around - my DM phoned today to tell me DB is expecting his forth healthy boy (scan was done this morning) DB and I don't speak but I wish his family well.

After telling me the news, DM said "I'm just gutted you won't be giving me the opportunity to be a grandmother to a girl" and she started crying. I reminded her that she has three lovely grandsons and another on the way. She replied saying she would have loved a granddaughter and continued crying. I said I had to go and ended the phone call.

She knows DH & I are infertile after years of heartache, AIBU to think she's being somewhat tactless? Or am I only seeing it from my POV?!

OP posts:
diddl · 26/10/2019 14:52

Maybe she isn't wrong to feel like she does.

But to voice those feelings to Op is just unforgiveable.

Has she told her son that she's pissed off at him for only fathering sons??

She's not worth the headspace, Op.

leomama81 · 26/10/2019 15:18

*Maybe she isn't wrong to feel like she does.

But to voice those feelings to Op is just unforgiveable.

Has she told her son that she's pissed off at him for only fathering sons??*

Absolutely this. No one can help how they feel but she is wrong to a) associate it with her daughter and not her son b) blame it on anyone at all and c) voice it to her daughter having fertility struggles.

I have always imagined having a daughter and I am about to give birth to a son which will almost certainly be my only child for various reasons. I have had my moments of sadness about that but I would never raise it with anyone and my mum would never raise it with me (because it's nature!!)

lasttimeround · 26/10/2019 17:46

Poisonous cow. That's really nasty. Sounds like shes a nasty piece of work generally and you have been bullied into normalising awful behaviour. Take a good bit of distance from her. And have a read of resources around narcissistic mothers. You have one and shes done a number on you.

Try this test. Tell her her comments were thoughtless and hurt your feelings. If she blows a gasket, you have your answer. If she apologises and does not fo it again shes ok.

EKGEMS · 26/10/2019 17:49

I'd have said "Why the hell did I get an insensitive old crow like you as my mother?!" and hung the damn phone up on her

Booboosweet · 26/10/2019 18:07

I am sorry but she is a narcissistic bitch to have said that to you. I would give her a wide berth if you can!

Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2019 18:22

GoWhistle "Since the infertility diagnosis, I have been thinking about moving away. DM lives very close by, still in my hometown, which has a lot of bad memories; perhaps a fresh start somewhere far away is what DH and I both need."

YES, move far away and see as little as possible of her. She is utterly crap, yes, maybe she can be nice at times but that's actually pretty controlling to be nice sometimes and horrible other times.

Counselling is more than CBT, CBT is just one type and it doesn't work for everyone. Good luck, you deserve better.

Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2019 18:24

She is entitled to feel any way she wants to feel. To share those feeling with you, is utterly crash, cold, insensitive... and not a little wacko.

Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2019 18:25

crass (showing no intelligence or sensitivity).

TimeforanotherChange · 26/10/2019 18:29

I think that's so awful, OP. I would have to write her a note or text to say, 'I just wanted you to know how utterly shocked I was that you were cruel enough to cry down the phone to me and complain that I hadn't given you a little granddaughter. It was appalling behaviour, given that you know how desperately we would have loved children and the years of infertility and heartache we have suffered. I really cannot believe anyone could be that insensitive. It is particularly unkind coming from my own mother. I would like some distance from you for a while, please'.

At least call her out on this OP.

Greyhound22 · 26/10/2019 18:34

Wow. How vile.

My DM pissed me off when I told her I was having a boy after years of trying for a child. She said 'oh' in a really disappointed way as she wanted a granddaughter (she already had a GS). That was nearly 6 years ago and I'll always remember it although she adores him now.

But for your DM to say it to you is horrific.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 26/10/2019 19:07

@Italiangreyhound Flowers thank you.

I'm on my second third gin, looking at Rightmove. Instead of cooking for DM and her husband, as planned. It feels good! The idea of a new start, and seeing DM less, fills me with a sort of lightness. I will seek counselling, too. I want to get some perspective and start to feel less guilty all the time.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2019 19:13

GoWhistle I wish you the very best for the future. You deserve better!!!

septembersunshine · 26/10/2019 19:27

Tbh she is a horrible vile mother to you so no doubt she would be the same to any granddaughter. Christ, she is horrid to every one. She is a bad apple op. I am so sorry. You sound so sweet. If I were you and had this family I would relocate at least three hours away and start again. Fresh start. I wouldn't give them my new address and I would call twice a year for a catch up, if that. I know she is your mother but she is no mother at all. Just some horrid vampire sucking out your joy. Take care of yourself op and live, live, live. Take your one precious life and make it the very best and happiest you can xx

cptartapp · 26/10/2019 19:30

I have two sons and my DB has one. When my lovely healthy nephew was born my DM admitted she was 'gutted' it wasn't a girl. She even once tried to hug my reluctant two year old and sighed 'oh for a little girl'. She's dead now but I never forgave her for that. And I've never forgotten.

SummerHouse · 26/10/2019 19:33

I wonder if she was crying for you? Another grandchild on the way bringing her empathy for you to the forefront?? Massively tactless self absorbed empathy that is ....

LeftoverPizza · 26/10/2019 19:37

She sounds horrible OP

AnotherEmma · 26/10/2019 19:48

I'm sorry your mum is, and was, so vile Sad Flowers

I'm glad you cancelled the plans to see her today and intend to get counselling. I strongly recommend the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. You might also find the Stately Homes thread helpful.

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 26/10/2019 19:49

Have an unmumsnetty hug.

FelixFelicis6 · 26/10/2019 19:54

Definitely move away, get some psychotherapy to try & help (though your horrible mother seems to be the cause of all this).

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2019 20:24

Are we sisters?? I could imagine my mother saying the same sort of thing to me were I in your situation. She’s as subtle as a brick. I know it won’t be any consolation, I’d just like to let you know it may not have been pointed and accusatory as it sounded.

What I have learnt about my mother (who is highly narcissistic) is that she struggles to see anything from anyone else’s POV. Coupled with this, she doesn’t actually see me as a person in her own right and therefore struggles with the concept that I have any feelings, which differ from hers.

I imagine your mother to be similar. She definitely doesn't see you as a person in your own right. If she did, she would never say this to you even if she thought it. Thus it follows that as you are her, she would see it as fine to lament the loss of her potential to have a female grandchild with you. After all from her perspective you are her / her shadow and think the same as her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/10/2019 20:29

I now reread your OP and it’s much worse than I thought. I thought she was saying she was disappointed generally of not having a GD (which is insensitive enough knowing you have trouble conceiving) but she actually was disappointed that YOU won’t be giving her a GD - that’s shocking.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/10/2019 20:30

And I’d go to small claims court for the money you lent you “D”B. It’s not there is a relationship there at all anyway.

Oodlesandpoodles · 26/10/2019 20:32

Call her out on it, either in text form or email.

State that she has made you feel incredibly bad and that she needs to get over herself.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 26/10/2019 20:39

And I’d go to small claims court for the money you lent you “D”B.

I just couldn't do that; I've made peace with the money being gone; it was from my savings so at least I'm not in debt from it...I'm more upset from his rejection. I'd have loved to have been an aunt, I'd have spoilt them rotten and offered babysitting/help as needed.

I think what hurt most was when DM found out about DB cutting contact with me after the loan, she then gave him a significant cash gift. She's never offered me a penny (not that I'd take it) but maybe her view was that I must be financially fine to lend it, and DB must be in dire need. But I know it's her money to spend as she wishes!

OP posts:
JenniferM1989 · 26/10/2019 20:40

You have definitely not been over sensitive. See when people act like such twats and basically have ME, ME, ME stamped on their head, I would really love to smack that big ME on their forehead one by one!