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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM upset she won't be a grandma to a girl

179 replies

GoWhistle · 25/10/2019 20:48

NC so this doesn't follow me around - my DM phoned today to tell me DB is expecting his forth healthy boy (scan was done this morning) DB and I don't speak but I wish his family well.

After telling me the news, DM said "I'm just gutted you won't be giving me the opportunity to be a grandmother to a girl" and she started crying. I reminded her that she has three lovely grandsons and another on the way. She replied saying she would have loved a granddaughter and continued crying. I said I had to go and ended the phone call.

She knows DH & I are infertile after years of heartache, AIBU to think she's being somewhat tactless? Or am I only seeing it from my POV?!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/10/2019 21:35

I wouldn't call it tactless, it call it being a nasty, selfish bitch. Sounds like she"s the sort of person who aims to hurt people with her words. She wasn't getting what she wanted so she felt annoyed, so she thought she'd hurt you to cheer herself up. I'd drop contact with her too.

Catsandchardonnay · 25/10/2019 21:38

Not just insensitive, also downright nasty and completely selfish. I would go NC for that. What a vile woman. So sorry OP for all you’ve been through - your infertility and your poor relationships with your mother and brother. I hope you have a lovely DH and nice friends to make up for it. Flowers and (((hugs)))

INeedAFlerken · 25/10/2019 21:39

"Gee, mother. We would have killed to be parents to a boy or a girl. Can you hear yourself?"

So sorry, OP. Your mother sounds incredibly thoughtless and selfish. I would pull her up on it.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 25/10/2019 21:40

Everytime I've sought comfort from her I usually end up feeling worse so I don't try to anymore; I lower my expectations and do my best to put a filter up.

I'm so, so shocked at the replies here if I'm honest; I've never felt understood before. Thank you for making me feel less alone, I always assume I'm just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
RueCambon · 25/10/2019 21:43

Geez!

Id feel free to take a step right back for a good long while.

Your infertility is not her pain!

PlasticPatty · 25/10/2019 21:44

No, you weren't oversensitive.
It's all about her, to her, isn't it?
What a horrible thing to say to you. At least it was probably said from self-pity rather than from a desire to be nasty to you.

leckford · 25/10/2019 21:49

Why would anyone cry over this - bizarre!

Bluerussian · 25/10/2019 21:52

You are certainly not being over sensitive. What your mother said was rotten, totally insensitive. I hope she is sensitive enough to realise that by now and is sorry.

I don't know how you and your mum are going to come back from this, frankly.

Tistheseason17 · 25/10/2019 21:53

Is there any possibility that actually she is sad for you being infertile more than sad for herself?

I think I'd have to check and ask something along the lines of, "yesterday, Mum, you said you were upset because I could not give you a granddaughter - is this becase you are really sad for me that I am infertile and you are sad that I won't have the same opportunities you had to have children - or sad because you won't get a granddaughter?

TBH - you know her best. If it was my mum... well, we're NC so it's surprising I am actually putting forward another perspective! Grin

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/10/2019 21:53

What is that someone said? "My grief is not your train- get off"

I think you have been more worn down by her behaviour over the years than you realise. I obviously don't know either of you but that is how it comes across.

thisneverendingsummer · 25/10/2019 22:04

@GoWhistle

OMG your mother sounds awful. Sorry to say that. I would be giving her a very wide berth.

Sometimes, I think we all question ourselves occasionally (as to whether we're doing a good job,) as a mother, I know I do occasionally. But when I hear about mothers like this, I KNOW I am a good mother. I would never DREAM of behaving like this!

Hope you are OK. Flowers You and your brother need to stick together. And give your mother a VERY wide berth.

Original poster
GoWhistle · 25/10/2019 22:07

I think you have been more worn down by her behaviour over the years than you realise. Thank you so much for your posts - you might be right. I try to accept her how she is, she's not been...a typical mum, I guess I could say, very much does her own thing, always has, but I have no other family at all so I hold on and hate conflict. (DB is a long, sad story - I've tried hard there).

God, reading that back makes me feel pathetic.

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 25/10/2019 22:08

How DARE she blame you for something which is a totally offensive position in the first place (being disappointed about her grandchildren) and make it about her ? How dare she say that to the person who has endured such heartache over fertility issues?!

I would be boiling!
FlowersCakeBrewWine OP.

But if it is worth it I would challenge her with this and tell her how hurtful to you she has been, and horrible about her forthcoming grandchild.

Boysey45 · 25/10/2019 22:09

Very nasty,its nothing you can control.

leomama81 · 25/10/2019 22:12

It is a terrible thing to say. I cannot begin to imagine my mother saying anything about me not giving her a granddaughter and that is without me having infertility struggles. It goes way beyond insensitive, it is narcissistic and downright cruel.

I am so sorry OP and I hope it gives you at least some comfort to know that your feelings are absolutely 100 percent normal. A virtual hug to you x

Nancydrawn · 25/10/2019 22:13

My guess is you've been trained well to avoid conflict.

I wouldn't speak to her for a long while. Just ghost her, really. If you can't stop the conversation and say, "Why in the world would you say that to a person who can't have kids?" then just don't say anything at all. Let her phone calls go to voicemail, don't respond to texts, and stay out of her way.

You don't owe her a response.

I'm so, so sorry your family is treating you this way. I can only hope that you build your own friendship-family who can provide some of the warmth and emotional stability your mother seems so clearly to be lacking.

flowerstar19 · 25/10/2019 22:13

Oh OP, you poor thing, that is unbelievably tactless and downright cruel of your Mum Sad

Bluesunglasses · 25/10/2019 22:13

My god that's heartless of her

Serenity45 · 25/10/2019 22:14

I'm really sorry you've got such a nasty self-centred cunt for a mother OP. absolutely not you being over sensitive! Sounds like you were remarkably restrained to end the call as my language wouldn't have been pretty...

My generally nice MIL almost went down this path many years ago, always talking about "when the babies come" and getting emotional (We are her only chance at grandkids). I was nearly 40 when I met DH and we knew chances were slim but did TTC quietly for a while. Honestly? I shut her down every.single.time. Sounds really harsh but it worked. Different when its your own mum though

Foodtheif · 25/10/2019 22:16

Could she be expressing that she’s sad for you for not being able to have children, in a clumsy kind of way?

PlasticPatty · 25/10/2019 22:17

God, reading that back makes me feel pathetic
No, it doesn't. I understand completely.

RolytheRhino · 25/10/2019 22:18

Ouch. I'd text her back to say that she should choose her words more carefully in future. There's not really an excuse for what she said

PlasticPatty · 25/10/2019 22:18

Sorry, I read 'feel' as 'seem'. You're entitled to feel any way you like. Blush

Elodie2019 · 25/10/2019 22:19

If she starts again shut her down:
'Mum, you have 3, soon to be 4, healthy grandchildren. I'm not listening to any more about it.'

getyourgrooveback · 25/10/2019 22:30

Ah OP.

She's out of line. This may be your normal but it isn't normal. And you shouldn't have to deal with that. I'm sorry.

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