DM upset she won't be a grandma to a girl

[GoWhistle]

NC so this doesn't follow me around - my DM phoned today to tell me DB is expecting his forth healthy boy (scan was done this morning) DB and I don't speak but I wish his family well.

After telling me the news, DM said "I'm just gutted you won't be giving me the opportunity to be a grandmother to a girl" and she started crying. I reminded her that she has three lovely grandsons and another on the way. She replied saying she would have loved a granddaughter and continued crying. I said I had to go and ended the phone call.

She knows DH & I are infertile after years of heartache, AIBU to think she's being somewhat tactless? Or am I only seeing it from my POV?!

You and your brother need to stick together

I wish it was that way :( he's not interested in a relationship with me, sadly. We were split up as siblings when we were young because our parents divorced; DB and I reunited as adults and I loaned him a sum of money (it's family, I didn't pursue it back) but he swiftly went no contact with me. :(

I wrote a letter and told him I didn't care about the money and just wanted a brother, and the chance to know my nephew (he had one son at the time) but his wife text me to say they didn't want a relationship with me. I felt so utterly rejected I haven't made contact since.

This has highlighted how raw I'm feeling, I've buried it all for a while. I think I'm starting to trip over this carpet I keep shoving everything under.

Thank you all.

I'd stop speaking to her as well tbh

Your horrible mother and brother deserve each other. Does your mother add any positives to your life at all? She sounds like a right cow.

Burn that metaphorical carpet to cinders, these people are trash, they have no place in your life. Family is what we choose for ourselves, your female ‘parent’ needs removed from your life, she’s just damaging you with her toxicity, she can direct her whining over genitals elsewhere, you are an adult and are free to do whatever you want, join the Stately Homes thread in the relationships section here, read about narcissist mothers, fear.obligation.guilt, do not let that woman into your texts, emails, phone, doorstep, property or thoughts. She has done enough damage, and her other kid doesn’t care about you. Reciprocate that. Heal yourself, remove the scum.

YANBU. Her behaviour is genuinely appalling.

Fakkkkkkking hell. Mothers.

I'm really so sorry. Your mother and brother sound vile, and cruel, and selfish.

How lovely that you are not like them at all, you are kind and generous.

I hope that you and your partner have a loving, long, life together.

I'm so sorry your mum is so tactless and cruel.
I can't imagine how you must feel, especially as we are all saying the same.

She replied saying she would have loved a granddaughter and continued crying. I said I had to go and ended the phone call

FFS, she has a real problem, psychologically. But it's hers, not yours.
If you've had problems conceiving a child then she shouldn't be unloading on you. If I'm reading it right, then she wants you to produce a grand daughter. I have two daughters who are not inclined to have any children If they don't , then they don't. Knowing my daughters as I do, I'm fairly sure I won't be a granny in the next decade . My youngest daughter is 32. She's not feeling maternal yet

The amount of women who cannot have children who would love a baby regardless of gender is heartbreaking. This type of behaviour is appalling Op. never once did I care about the gender of my baby as long as he was healthy I was grateful

Well that is just shit and I am so very sorry OP.
I wish I had something insightful and helpful to say but I'm extremely glad there is so much support for you here and those who DO know what to say

I completely sympathise. I've had this from my Mum as well.

When told that we probably wouldn't be able to have children (DH's fault rather than mine) my Mum started crying because she said she wouldn't have any more grandchildren. My brother already has two girls and a boy.......

That was a few years ago but I had it again recently how sad she was that she will never have any more grandchildren. I reminded her that she had children and grandchildren so was in fact very lucky. I won't be able to experience either. I said that not everything revolves around her. Needless to say, no apology, it just fell on deaf ears.

I've made peace with the fact that we won't have children but I just cannot get over how thoughtless my Mum is at times.

YADNBU. She is a hugely insensitive and cruel person. If she mentions it again I would say "Mum, I am putting the phone down now." And then I would do it.

So sorry

"I always assume I'm just being over sensitive." Not at all.

I am in my fifties and both my parents are dead. My family is very small and my friends are the people who support me.

Honestly, find support and friendship away from this woman, she is not kind. I am so sorry about your brother. I hope your dh is kind.

Holy shit, what a cow. I assume that she is one of those people who makes everything about her.
Your NSDB and your NSDSIL sound no better. *Not So Dear

If she raises it again, the answer is "Did you mean to be so hurtful, you know we can't even provide you with yet another GS"
Or "If we ever decide to adopt, we'll be sure to make it a boy just to annoy you "

GoWhistle can you get some counselling, you need to rip that fucking carpet up and get some closure. I am so angry on your behalf.

I've had a lot of fertility issues but we did manage to have a birth and adopted a child. I've had a lot of counselling, some anxiety and stuff too, and the counselling really helped me. So I am saying this because I've seen it help.

But whatever you do - you believe in you, because you are a very strong person to put up with all this shit. And you do not deserve it.

Wow. So you won’t be “giving” her a granddaughter eh? Boo hoo. It doesn’t occur to her that your fertility issues might be more painful for you than her? That you having or not having children is not about fulfilling her emotional needs? I’m sure she is sad. She is also crassly insensitive. Exceptionally to you, also your brother. She has 4 healthy grandsons. Isn’t that something to focus on and be happy about? Nice for your brother. If she said that to you, I’d be pretty sure she has expressed her disappointment that he has had only boys and number 4 is also a boy. Way to rain on his parade. Nice.

I'm actually speechless!

Don’t stop speaking. Tell her exactly why this is hurtful to you, You might like to throw rude is as well if you plan on not talking to her.

Your mother sounds very self involved! I am childless (though have raised children but that's another story, for another day!)and have had a few people lament the lack of biological children for me- my response is super simple. Direct these very 'well meaning'(utterly tackless) people towards charities that sponsor children. So in your mother's case tell her to go a sponsor a girl child if she feels so passionately.

. There’s no sin or shame in her wanting something, A lot more filter and she’d be a narcissist. Who is to say( and I’m treading very very carefully here as I don’t want to cause you hurt) that if you could have had children they’d have been girls in anycase.

You sound lovely OP. Your mother, brother and SIL sound awful.

I actually think that saying you had to go and ending the call was probably a good way of dealing with it. Yes you would have been totally justified in having it out with her, but if she's that lacking in empathy and awareness I doubt she'd have taken it on board and you might have ended up feeling worse.

I wouldn't be upset with her for wanting a granddaughter but it is both out of yours and your brothers control. In particular when she knows you have gone through infertility it is all the more hurtful that she directed this conversation at you. Once you feel calm and able I would tell her how much her words hurt you.

You'd be better off without her, Op.

She has your brother, she wouldn't be alone.

I'm just reading through the replies this morning, I appreciate the support so much.

I am supposed to see her later but I feel reluctant to now, WIBU to give an excuse and not go? I'm not angry, just feeling raw and I know she's likely to mention it again.

I know it's good advice but sadly I couldn't point it out to her or explain why her words were hurtful; she would blame me by saying it's me being too sensitive and childish.

Growing up was hideous, she'd call me fat, lazy and when angry she'd hit me or throw me out the house, she laughs about her temper now. She can be really generous and nice too, when she's happy and all is going well she's lovely company.

So I know keeping the peace is preferable as she'll make it my fault if I say I'm hurt. Four-ish years ago I did her quite a big favour, but she was very rude and I told her (calmly and kindly) that I was there to help, not be treated badly. She hit the roof and told me I must have a nasty spirit/ghost attached to me to be so evil (she's VERY into woo, I'm not), I felt like a scared teenager again so I keep quiet now.

I know she's not a typical mother but it's the only family I have, and I don't have many friends as I've had GAD since I was a child which means I avoid a lot of things. I'm naturally quite friendly/outgoing, but I'm terrified of people and feel they'll think badly of me so I'm quite a hermit. I did try CBT but the anxiety is so deep rooted it feels like it's in the core of me.

My husband is wonderful and I'm very lucky to have him so I try to focus on what good things I have in my life. DH says when my mother walks into the room, so does an icy cold breeze. But I guess I just thought it's normal for husband's to not like their MILs?

Sorry for the essay - and yes, my stack-O-crap carpet of Ignorable Things is definitely too big to ignore now.