Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

Is she planning on an actual career in law? She's in for a shock if so.

When I was in college- age 18- there was one girl, who was much more organised than the rest of us.

Come exam time - we would all copy her notes to study from. One guy would copy her notes, and then I would copy his copy etc.

I never even thought to ask her if she was okay with it. The general consensus in the class was "Abby will have the best notes, if you missed a class , get hers".

Hmmm. This makes me think from her side now. She never said that she wasn't okay with it, but who knows.

I would say to her that you have heard stories about plagiarism having serious effects, and so you want to stop sharing notes

@timeisnotaline she has a cleaner who also does the ironing & someone who cooks for them. I'm not calling her lazy for this, me and future husband have a cleaner too, we try to value time more than money. Don't get me wrong, we live way more than average, but we both work a lot... And I love uni and I want a career in this field but I work a lot during the semester too, whenever I have time I go ahead with my books (2 full shelves of law school books already-love to read❤️)

Thanks everyone again, I am impressed by your kindness

Kids are a bit different to a job but they aren't an excuse. She's taking the piss out of you.

I myself am 31. I have no degree and no a-levels. I did an OU part time course two years ago to be able to attend full time uni this year. I am now trying to get a history degree. Full time. With kids and a part time job with a husband who works away. It is hard. It is so demanding that I am seriously doubting my ability to get through all three years but you know what? I'm not asking other people for notes nor rocking into class late. Ive made some friends older and some younger but I don't ask them to do my work. I have however noticed a few people that do what your friend does. They have already got in the habit of borrowing other people's notes and turning up late or skipping lectures. Or even more annoying the ones that turn up and sit in the front row then spend the whole time rudely messaging one another on Facebook messenger during the lecture rather than paying attention and then asking on group chats for information they missed.

Starting your CF friend no. You don't need to explain. Just say no.

@DanceItOut Just want to tell you you're an absolute rockstar and you'll do fine! Best of luck with your degree! Do you have any great life hacks that help you be more organised?

What is it like to go back to study law at a later age? I would be interested in doing it myself

@angell84 I absolutely LOVE it! To be fair it's actually easier than my first degree (though the first one was demanding too), but my mind is sharper, I'm more focused, I understand things quicker and life experience in general helps me. With everything except being assertive of course If you want to do it, do it!!!

I'm sure she'll be all confrontational, and lecture me

Check your thinking about this. She is not your boss nor your mum!

She can start being confrontational and you can walk off. Literally roll your eyes and say "I'm not doing this." then turn and walk away. Think flounce. You can flounce.

You don't have to listen to anything, you can even talk over her. She starts and you say "Nope" over the top of her words and then you flounce or, if trapped sitting somewhere hard to move away, look away and refuse to even acknowledge she's speaking. Play Candy Crush.

I'd keep the original "No" quite short too. Sod explanations (which make it into a negotiation in a CF's mind). She asks for notes and you say "No, sorry, I've decided I am not sharing my personal notes with anyone any more."

If you are afraid of confrontation or are a bit of a doormat that's your danger point. You'll not know what to do next and might start verbal diarrhea that reduces what you just said.

Personally, I think the easiest way to save yourself from that is to give the "No..." in a light tone as if it's nothing (it actually isn't a big deal to hear No for non-CFs) then immediately follow up with an unrelated question before she speaks "Are you going to X's party on Saturday?" "Did you watch the rugby?" "I'm thinking about putting up some Christmas decorations. Do you think it is too soon?" Or an immediate exit statement like "No..."+ "I've got to go do X now, see you later. Bye."

If she does moan at you at another time then mainly avoid but good phrases to use are "Poor you", "Yes, that does sound hard, I'm sure you'll think of something", "Ah that's a shame." "Ah well, could be worse" "So what are you going to do?" You are enveloped in the Not My Problem field. You can offer neutral slightly bored non-specific sympathetic noises but that's it. Like she were moaning about her diet or gym routine.

@alreadyinchristmasmood maybe I will! Do you do an apprenticeship after it? How many years is that? How many years altogether until you qualify. Thanks for the info

Sit right at the back...
I’ve been warned about sharing my notes - haven’t you? Strange...
Avoid
Make nice friends

@TowelNumber42 I had to screenshot this, goes straight to my favorite pictures album on my iphone. Thanks so much for typing that

@angell84 I'm in Europe and I know for a fact things are different in the UK... so not sure what to tell you.

Actual I like towel way of a light No and move on and if she wants to flounce then let her as problem solved

Plan B- www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00XLPA0FG/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

And sit at the back. Is there anyone else you can recruit to run interference so she can't chase you out of the lecture theatre?

@WaningGibbous I can't stand in the back, I wear glasses and I need to properly see and hear (no hearing problems but you can barely hear from the back). Ohhhh, I'd be beautiful in that hat. Totally my style

If she tries to bring God into it, hand her a piece of paper which simply says 'Thessalonians 2, ch3, v10'. And walk off.

(To save you looking it up: For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”)

YANBU. She is leaching off you. Just give her a clear warning, from tomorrow I won't be saving you a seat or sharing my notes.

Imagine if you both end up getting a 2:2 or 2:1 or a first or whatever, and you know she did it all off your notes. It's juts not fair.

Glad to help. Good luck.

Keep a little outrage in the back of your mind. You say No and if she tries to pressure or guilt you, make damn sure it has the opposite effect within your own mind.

It is rude, manipulative, selfish and downright unacceptable for her to give any response other than something like "Oh, OK, I understand, I'll have to organise myself a bit better, ha ha! Thanks for all the times you helped me out. Much appreciated."

Let the words "Cheeky cow" and "oh fuck off you wanker" rattle around your mind.

Great advice TowelNumber, and others.

@Wonkybanana this has to be the best comeback I've ever heard. Where can I find you so I can give you a glass of ?

@TowelNumber42 You seem amazing, really. Are you usually assertive? Have you always been like this or is it practice?

@Italiangreyhound you're absolutely right and it's already frustrating that she has an academic award. It's money, after all. Of course, she does the "studying" for exams, but without my notes not sure she could do it.

@Wonkybanana glass of . Somehow my emoticon vanished away

I've skim read the last posts so apologies if I've missed the same post from someone else, but could you text her saying

"Running late - can you save me a seat please and laptop battery is dead and no lead so I'll need your notes! Thanks!"

See what comes back. Any excuses and you are released from further duty.

You might need to work on your assertiveness if you want to be a lawyer if you can’t even tell this cf to do one.
She sees you as a mug.

"Will definitely raise it with her on Monday, I'm sure she'll be all confrontational, and lecture me about God, and how you are accountable for your actions not othersgrin I believe in God too, but I go by "do no harm but take no shit"

God is not into people cheating off each other and taking advantage of each other.

You could give her the "Matthew 5:37a... and my answer is no!" (NIV - " All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’")

If she weasels her way through to a degree, how will she cope with using it in a future career? Maybe she hopes there will always be some poor sap to prepare her court briefs for her? (My niece is a barrister, and I've seen how fast she has to wade through loads of information, concentrating all the time.......)
If you start to weaken, remember that you are saving her from herself.
As other PP's have said, don't save a place, and tell her you've been warned off about plagiarism; you needn't explain that the warning came from Mumsnet rather than your tutor....
I have also notices that CF's get very touchy when you turn the tables and ask them for a favour in return......