Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

You people have encouraged me to do the right thing here. What makes me furious is the fact that once I stop giving her stuff she'll pester other people for it & she'll keep getting away with it. Well, at least it won't be me.

OP if you stop giving her the notes and if you also stop saving her a seat in the front row, the rest of the class will notice. I bet they can see exactly what she is doing and will not give her the time of day, much less, their notes.

TELL the tutor.... he needs to know this stuff.

My MIL had 5 kids, job and studies at uni, all without complaining, she just got on with it and was never late... Your "friend" needs to get her head out of her arse and put the work on. Maybe she should be more organised but that's not your problem. She sounds like those type of mothers that think that people without kids have it easy and can't ever be as tired as her

@Geppili Just the thought of it gives me a headache. I don't want to put myself through this, there will be enough stress as it is. 🤦‍♀️

Exactly, she is draining your precious mental and emotional energy!

I would be very wary of sharing notes that you have written up yourself. The uni I went to frowned upon it and came as close to equating it to cheating. They saw the line between sharing notes etc and cheating to be a very blurred one where you may be at risk of having to answer to accusations of cheating if you were both to submit work that seemed too similar, given that you said she uses your notes a lot. Do not leave yourself exposed to this sort of scenario and potentially having the quality of your own work undermined or uncredited where it could be because she can't be arsed to do the work herself.

Late to the thread, but are you giving her the notes for the full lecture, or just the fifteen minutes she's missed? Maybe try starting with that, then when she asks for the rest do a wide eyed "oh but you were there for that part, surely you took your own notes?". Wonder what her reaction would be.....

@42andcounting full lectures!!!! She's even asked for the whole semester once. She's missing most of it, and when she comes she's late.

Good luck on Monday - she is indeed the CF, not you!

OP you've learnt a lesson. I went back to study as a mature student and I found there were a plethora of other CF mature students who are on the loom out for someone to use like this to cut corners.

It's much worse than when you're an undergrad as there is more of an unwritten code with students that have just come out of school that the relationship should be reciprocal.

Where as some older mature students have no shame and will ask for your notes, for you to read their essay and feed back etc. You just need to have boundaries and say no, I always used to use Plagiarism as the reason (which if they're using your notes could happen if you both closely follow the terminology you write in your notes). If you say no the fyrst time you don't tend yo get asked a second time.

Don't worry about the wedding invite - she may well drift away from the friendship anyway. You can always say "I'm really sorry, we've had to cut down on numbers". I would never consider myself invited until the invitation was in my hand /inbox anyway - I'd certainly never hold anyone to a casual verbal invite

Judging by the responses on this thread perhaps you can see that other people won't just give her their notes. There's a good chance that nobody will. You need to tighten up your boundaries christmas because you let her take advantage of you for a long time, way more than is normal.

Oh god I remember doing this once at uni- it was lazy ness, disorganisation and being stressed and a bit depressed but I knew I’d gone too far when I asked to copy a woman’s something (it wasn’t notes, I’d forgotten what it was but similar)

I’m amazed your course is so manual- even when I attended in 2000 we had the lecture slides uploaded to some kind of portal, I’d assume now it was all online- can’t you just direct her to that? Out of interest What would she get from your notes that’s so insightful she’s getting top marks and winning awards? Aren’t they just notes?

She targeted you! This is definitely good practise for your future career!

@Passthecherrycoke the materials online are quite useless-they try to make a point- law means a lot of individual study, case work etc. And a lot of books. So if you actually attend classes and write down what lecturers say (a lot of useful insight, it helps you a lot! She obviously has the lecture slides too, but they're just bullet points, the actual case work, specifics are done in class.

Will definitely raise it with her on Monday, I'm sure she'll be all confrontational, and lecture me about God, and how you are accountable for your actions not others I believe in God too, but I go by "do no harm but take no shit"

Tell her you feel she needs to get more organised and you feel you are holding her back by handing over your notes.

To be honest-I would be deliberately ‘off’ with her next time you see her and raise an eyebrow - look v unimpressed when she inevitably asked to borrow your notes. I’d then say, ‘Actually, no-this is becoming a bit of a habit really and I think you should make your own’ and then walk off!

Do 2 sets of notes and the one that you give to her absolutely nothing to do with the class

@fedup21 I was considering that. Now to be honest, I had a failed attempt before. She was late because she went for lunch while I sat there all day, no food. She was 30 mins late, I tried to say no and she pretty much begged. I think she believes she's entitled to my notes because of her "hard" life. Not really relevant but her husband is super rich and her life is great.

No that does not work for me.
You are late every time, that means you know your doing it, yet don't care.
Just keep saying no.
She can cause a fuss and it won't be you in trouble.
Repeat no.

Mean, 5 kids you have no idea.

Cut her some slack, no skin off your nose.

@scubadive thanks for your opinion. I never ever said it's easy, this is exactly why I would never have 5 children myself. However, in my opinion, that doesn't mean I need to do her degree as well as mine. I'm not her secretary or personal assistant.

What on earth would God have to do with it? Goodness she sounds worse and @scubadive I think the OP has cut this person more than enough slack. She is not turning up to lectures at all or if she does come she is late. Having 5 children does not mean she can opt out of all other commitments and expect someone else can do the work for her. What sort of lawyer will she make if she cannot even be bothered to turn up to class let alone do any work?

Good luck OP - with your degree, future career and telling this CF to fuck the fuckity fuck off (in the nicest possible way, of course).

Super rich husband is relevant. It means most likely they can afford a nanny, cleaners, babysitters, good quality take away food for a break from cooking.