Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

@Cornishclio you're absoutely right. I have great instincts generally about people, however I find it hard to be assertive. I'm very hard working and I started this degree with a very strong desire to succeed in the legal field.

I'll take this as practice for my future career

*@alreadyinchristmasmood * If you normally don't have any issues with being assertive I think it might just be because this is a new setting and maybe initially you felt vulnerable as more mature than most of the other students. Not unnatural but hopefully now you have been there for a while perhaps expand your friendships there. Age should not make a difference when you are all studying. Collaborate with the other hard workers who want to succeed rather than the lazy user who wants to get by on others hard work without putting any effort in.

@Cornishclio others have asked for notes too (random people) and I said no. I assume it's because I valued this "friendship" and I wanted to help. The she turned full CF and pissed me off

@alreadyinchristmasmood Sorry I have just seen you do have problems with being assertive. If you want to be a lawyer I would work on that. There are nice ways of saying no to people so don't think you are being rude.

I did full time uni whilst working part time and had three children under the age of three when I started.

No excuses, she’s just poorly organised and shit at time keeping plus she’s latched onto you who will do the work for her. Stop saving her a seat.

I think now you know she is a CF and not a real friend where it goes both ways you won't have a problem saying no next time she asks. Good luck.

OP - you are not mean, you are being taken advantage of. Just say you can't give her your notes anymore, but do expect her to fall out with you. Maybe she won't, but you have to not be worried. Feel the fear, and do it anyway!

She's basically just copying your work! She can't do that!

Have the invitations for the wedding been sent or have you just asked her verbally?

Could you start selling your notes?

@Motherontheedge1 verbally! No invitations yet (plenty of time left)

Definitely stop enabling this ‘friend’ - you are not her personal admin!

I had a situation with a ‘friend’ who was on a course that I’d already completed/ passed a few years previously and she was struggling on - I offered to help her with making notes for her assignments but noticed as time went on that she was almost basically expecting me to write her assessments!

At this point, I told her that I was not going to help her cheat as I’d worked very hard to do this course myself and managed fine whilst having young children (twins) and a freelance business!

Most likely, there will be some negativity from her when you stop enabling her, but to be honest she doesn’t really sound like a good friend. It’s not your responsibility to support her laziness.

Next lecture your goal is to sit next to someone you’d like to say hello to. I too like the I’m not comfortable with this anymore. It’s a good statement that can’t be portrayed as unreasonable. Definitely do it ASAP, before her holiday!

others have asked for notes too (random people) and I said no

So you can do it :)

Out of interest, do you get graded on a curve? If so, her performance in exams is directly affecting your grade.

Are you planning on being a lawyer, or just doing a law degree? If the former, look on this as good practice at dealing with clients!

Hi Op I get this. She knows that you are an intelligent, hardworking, reliable person. She has targeted you because she knows that you find it hard to assert yourself and you are very kind and moral. Do not have her to your wedding! Just don't send a formal invitation. If she asks and you are still in contact, say short funds meant you sadly had to reduce numbers.
You know that she is lazy and very probably manipulative, especially about how her DCs make life hard for her. She sounds awful!

Already - I urge you to rethink any habits that aren't serving you, even if they seem hard to get out of (like saving seats and providing notes). Flexibility is your friend. Distancing yourself from MumOf5 will provide space for others, who are possibly put off at the moment, because you're paid off with her. Now you know more about her, use this information. In a few years you'll look back on this time and probably not be too surprised by who's making strides in their career, and who's making excuses. Who you align yourself with now could have lifelong impact. Avoid the negative types, seek out those who will challenge you to push yourself forward. You won't get this time back. Make the most of it.

Write up a set of fake notes and give her that.

Paid off = paired off

@Geppili I completely agree. Not sure what got into me when I invited her to my wedding (it's not a child free wedding, we love children and want people who have no childcare to be able to bring them, but their 5 "lack manners", as she usually says about them. i actually didn't even consider that, I only realised when pps here have raised it🤨)

if you've not sent her an invitation yet then you've not invited her. don't be worrying about that.

You people have encouraged me to do the right thing here. What makes me furious is the fact that once I stop giving her stuff she'll pester other people for it & she'll keep getting away with it. Well, at least it won't be me.

Omg her and 5 badly behaved and poorly looked after DC at your wedding!!!! No!!!!
I reckon you asked her because she somehow made you feel obliged to include her and you are very trusting and warm.

And she'd be late

You definitely need to say no, and don’t apologise when you say it.

No invitation means no invite so don’t stress about uninviting her.