Is she a CF or I'm being mean?

[alreadyinchristmasmood]

Name changed as she might be on here and I don't want this to be linked to my usual username.

Here's my AIBU, I am trying to be as short as possible.

I'm 29 and I decided to go back to uni for my second degree last year. I met a girl who's a bit older than me and has 5 children (relevant). I work full time (though quite flexible) while doing my degree so life is a bit hectic, I feel shattered pretty much all the time. I go to uni to most of the classes (this requires a lot of effort) and take relevant and very organised notes (on my laptop). Some of the classes don't even have course material so it's just the book and what the professor says in class.

So this woman, let's call her X became my friend last year, in the first year of uni. She seemed really nice and I always kept her a seat next to me (always front or second row as otherwise you can't hear anything!) as she was always late (she still is). She kept saying that she's really busy with the children (she doesn't work) and asked for some of my notes which I was happy to help with.

Problem is now she's always late, rolls in 15-20 minutes after the class started and she sits next to me in the front row. She asks pretty much everyday for notes and I've been too ashamed to say no so far.

I realised she's taking the piss last week when she's been in town to have lunch (while I was waiting at uni for class, didn't eat anything in that day), came in 45 mins later and asked for my notes

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss. She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

AIBU? If I'm not being unreasonable how can I be assertive?

And, yes, you need to get more assertive! In the nicest possible way.

Just FYI, I am a 'nice' person and as I get older I get less 'nice' and more assertive because it's good to be nice to people who need it and deserve it, it's not good to be nice to everyone.

PS "God is not into people cheating off each other and taking advantage of each other." I mean God isn't into her taking advantage of you!!

Could you say the lecturers have noticed how she is always asking you for notes and they've requested you stop?

I agree it is awkward. If you don't want to lie, just say you don't want to give her notes anymore. You don't need to give a reason.

Oh, myriad of things have made me become this assertive. My work involves me seeing through shit to the truth, which helps keep me sharp. Quite a few ultra arrogant aggressive types there too from time to time to be seen off. Bonkers family members who must not be given an inch. Seeing how enabler/doormat family members allow bad behaviour to persist. Actual lessons as a teen on how to avoid being manipulated into crime or becoming a victim (long story related to where I lived and my parent's work): it mainly involved being gobby and being willing to be rude. At work when still a junior I was taught by an utter master how to use silence to great effect, fewer words are better than more with a pushy person, how rude it is to try to rescue others (you think of them as an idiot child) and the power of not jumping to someone else's tune "I don't need your approval". He taught me how to use a big bag of "Nope". Funnily enough, I had to be quite pushy to get to be his little helper and I'm so glad I did act like an over eager puppy. I ended each day feeling battered for ages though.

Edit your notes before you send them and send her acwateted down version, if she mentions it just say that now you really have a grip on the subject matter, you find that less comprehensive notes suffice.

Oops. I always asked for my friends notes as when you’re writing stuff down sometimes things can be missed. Maybe try asking for her notes as well to compare? If she’s not writing any at all and just assuming you’ll do it i might be upset. My best friend in Uni and I took all classes we could together SO we can share notes and be better students. Sharing notes is not plagiarism either by the way. Our profs encourage people to share as people write down different things

I would not save her a seat then at the end of a lecture just walk out and don't have a conversation with her.

If she has the cheek to message you for them just say no, I'm not comfortable with this anymore

Set up a find and replace a don a copy of your notes, find and replace every "a" with a space and every "r" with "ta" or something equivalent. Totally illegible 🧐

Does she get better grades than you in assignments? If she is a single parent maybe she's struggling and is leaning on you a bit too much. Being passive aggressive about it will only make you angrier. Before you end up hating her with a passion, I suggest arranging to meet for a coffee together and in a nice way explain how her actions are making you feel. Maybe she's completely unaware of how her constant lateness and note copying is making you feel.

*set up a find a replace on a copy

WTAF?!

My students aren't allowed in if they are late

Give her your notes...but crappy, basic, dumbed down versions. You know, the type of notes one might make if one was perpetually late to lectures and generally a bit of a lazy cow

Who cares if she’s funny with you. She can’t MAKE you give her your notes remember!

Just make a crappy list of bullet points, like she did, and give her those. If she mentions it say you've done notes in her style and "you just really had to be there for this lecture.." Then "sorry, I'm rushing today, got loads going on.." and sweep past her. She'll get bored or offended - either way she won't be as desperate to be your BF anymore and she'll probably have moved away from your friendship by the time of your wedding!

@alreadyinchristmasmood unfortunately not really. I took the time to set up a bullet journal before I started in September which I designed to specifically fit around my week with school runs, kids clubs, my lessons, and my deadlines. I have a little tally box on each week so that I can easily add a mark for each hour of independent study that I do so that I can look at it and know that if I havent done many hours of studying that week outside of classes that I need to skip some housework that night and get some studying done. So I don't think it's a question of being more organised but more being aware of where I'm spending my time so I know if I've let something slip. University is hard for everyone and even harder for those that have other responsibilities be that work, husband's, kids, caring for relatives etc. But education is important and it will be worth it when it's done. I wish you all the best OP, please don't let this other lady get an easy ride off of your hard work.

Mean, 5 kids you have no idea.
Cut her some slack, no skin off your nose

Give over.
She is coming in late every day just because op is giving her her notes. She went for lunch instead of going to a .lecture on time ffs!
She has a cook and cleaner at home! If she wants to study law she should have sorted all the timings out prior to starting not relying on someone else to do the work for her.
She isn't a friend she is using op and giving absolutely nothing back to the 'friendship. It's not ops responsibility to.carry some random through thier degree.

@RetreatingWeasels that is so impressive! Well done you. Wish I had an ounce of your work ethic

To the poster asking to give her some slack cos she has 5 kids: I have 5 DC, work and don’t have a cleaner or cook or rich spouse. She deserves NO slack as she’s a CF who takes and takes.
I would never dream of taking the piss like she is and use the excuse that I have five children

Don't worry about hurting her feelings. She is using you. Just say you are not sharing notes anymore. You don't owe her an explanation of anything. Also, you could actually get in trouble for players if you use similar phrases in essays.

I meant plagiarism

Just waiting for her reaction when the new, assertive op, springs into action on Monday.

I wouldn't even get into a discussion with her about it. "Can I have your notes?" "No, I don't want to do that". Walk away. Stop speaking to her and sitting with her. Job done.

@DanceItOut I can't bullet journal, I tried, but may I raise you a daily planner, a wedding planner and a notebook with all sorts of lists? Thank you very much for your time and kidness. Wishing you best of luck!

@TowelNumber42 I see a therapist (I only started recently, a month ago), and this is one of the reasons I went. She helped me a lot with being assertive (it seems like I only have a problem with "closer"'relationships, definitely not strangers), but I still seem to be stuck. I'm on my way of learning how to set boundaries too. I find it odd (my behaviour) as I've had a happy, loving family, I had acces to education and everything and my parents are definitely not doormats (you should see my mom!)... hey ho! Live & learn! Thank so much for your kindness and your time!

@katewhinesalot I definitely won't be that assertive (yet) to raise it myself, but I'm sure she'll ask for something pretty soon

Just don't make her a copy.
'Sorry, I don't have anything to give you.' With a blank expression.
Be glad if it ends the 'friendship '.

I don't want to help her anymore because I feel it's only me who is pulling the weight in this relationship and she's taking the piss.

If I was as organised as you there is no way that I would be handing over my notes.

She doesn't even say thanks anymore!

When she asks, say no and turn your face away and don't offer any explanation. She's being rude so match her behaviour.