Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

[DianaMitfordM]

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

I really think you should tell him. Tell him you love everything about your life except this, and it's non negotiable. If he's OK for you to have a discreet FWB relationship elsewhere then you will happily stay in the marriage. If not, then the marriage is unsustainable as he refuses to address the issue.

Personally I can;t imagine FWB working long term. I;d get emotionally involved with anyone I slept with regularly and would start to fantasise about a full life with them. But everyone is different and if you know you can compartmentalise happily with his blessing, why not.

But as others have said, the fact you can't discuss it and the fact he refuses to do anything about it are symptomatic of deep problems in the relationship which both of you are down-playing.

Why don't you just ask your DH if it is unreasonable for you to be having sex with someone else? He doesn't have all the info to decide whether he wants to stay with you. What are his views on lies and deceitfulness?

Would it be okay if you found out he was having sex with another woman?

If you don't feel guilt then I'm not sure what kind of '...... path' that makes you.

You are both being selfish. Him to suddenly change after marriage and refuse to discuss it and you to cheat on him when you clearly know he wouldn't be ok with it, because he has shut down all discussion on the subject. He is not ok with an open relationship, as most wouldn't be.

If he wouldn't be ok with it if you told him, then of course your relationship doesn't work in every other way, because either one person is so frustrated they want to cheat, or the other person is being cheated on.

You categorically do not work.

Can you suggest marriage counselling to discuss it with a third party?
How would you feel if he was doing this to you?
Yes it’s cheating and what happens if things start to get tricky with the guy you’re sleeping with?
If sex is ultimately more important then all the other amazing things you have in your relationship then you will have to leave.

Do you think that the reason why he won't discuss it is because he already has an inkling that you are already sleeping with someone else and whilst he doesn't want it acknowledged openly he's prepared to accept it?

I'm not trying to make excuses for the op but I have read about scenarios where one partner turns a blind eye to infidelity and accepts that as a component of making the marriage work.

Is the FWB a mutual friend? Is he discreet, are you extremely careful (both in terms of protection and people finding out)?

Life isn't black and white and whilst it's not a textbook definition of a good marriage, it's not to say it doesn't work for everyone.

But I think you should be honest with yourself OP, is this something that would even work long term? Are you finding yourself starting to emotionally check out of the marriage? If / when over the years your sex life with your husband dwindles to one or twice a year, or never, is it still a relationship worth having?

As you may just be better off ending this marriage and finding someone you both love and have a physical relationship with.

NCforthis - really? My friend died from contracting HIV from her cheating husband. She was mid-thirties with 2 kids, who will most likely be orphans before they reach adulthood. I guess it was worth it for him to get his rocks off?

Do you STI check before and after every single sexual encounter? Especially before having sex with your spouse - every single time? How do you know your FWB / lover is not also having sex with others without your knowledge? Do you STI check before and after every single sexual encounter to make sure? Do you use extra precautions with your spouse? Are you aware that no precaution is 100% safe? Do you not think your partner deserves the right to control over decision-making around their own sexual health? Do you not think your spouse's fully-informed consent to a sexual relationship with you is important?

FFS.

You’re cheating OP let him go and find someone who wouldn’t behave like this.

Op, you say your DH is 5 years older than you, and you are in your 40’s. He may very well have erectile dysfunction, a low testosterone and low libido, or a any combination thereof.
If he is avoiding sex through performance anxiety due to the above, then he really needs to see his GP. Erectile dysfunction can be an early warning of coronary heart disease, diabetes, neurological conditions etc and needs investigated and treated.
Men can get terribly defensive and stubborn where their ego is involved or they fear their masculinity is under threat. This may be why he avoids any discussion that might lead to him having to admit he has a problem.
There are other possibilities of course. He may be asexual or gay, and simply wants a housekeeper or platonic flat mate. But if so, he has horribly exploited you and married you under false pretences.
You have two options, I think.
One is to maintain the status quo. Have a friendly platonic house share with DH and meet your sexual needs with your FWB. The risk is you may develop an emotional attachment to the FWB.
The second is to tell DH that he discusses his sexual problem and seeks appropriate treatment or you divorce him.
This is high stakes poker, and although it seems to be the preferred option of many PPs, it sounds as though you don’t want to risk the probable outcome.
I sympathise, OP. There is no easy solution, and I don’t think we on MN can really help you decide.

I agree with @Nerfballs.

OP, you should leave him. Stop wasting his time and risking his health.

formerbabe why is it bizzare to suggest modifying her libido? People wanting to match their sex drives in order to improve their relationship is not rocket science....

Either the DH could try medication to increase sex drive or the OP could try medication to reduce hers. If they wanted sex the same amount of the time the OP says the relationship would be perfect. Why not just make that happen?

You sound like your DH is a wonderful friend tbh, but you aren't compatible as a couple.

I have "a lot in common intellectually and we share a fantastic sense of passion and humour for life" with my best friend, but he isn't someone I would marry. Anyway, he's gay but that's neither here nor there.

Sex is obviously important to you. Either your DH agrees to your FWB relationship or you stop the FWB relationship and your DH agrees to work on your sex life together. If you can't do either of those things, then I really think you have to call it a day and move on.

Do you have children with your DH? That would make me want to stay together if things were otherwise fine, but I would have to have my DH to agree to the FWB or else work on our relationship. Lying to him and going behind his back will kill what you have with your DH. He may not give you the option to stay together if he finds out you've lied like this.

A vibrator doesn't even come close to sex. People suggesting this as an alternative to the OP's FWB clearly have very low sex drives themselves if they think mechanical stimulation is an adequate substitute.

Again I’ve seen it said that the man can just have a wank if his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him.

JFC.

This thread is a mess.

To PPs:

How exactly does someone "modify" their libido?

Also, no one is entitled to sex.

Further, it is not a basic need. You will die without food. You will NOT die without sex.

OP, you can't diminish your level of responsibility by using "FWB". Regardless of how you dress it up, you are having an affair.

The situation is shit, and your DH is an arse for not discussing it with you. However, that doesn't give you the moral high ground here.

Your marriage is crap - falling apart before it's even really begun. He won't or can't fulfill you either sexually or emotionally (because let's face it, your self esteem will be suffering and you probably don't feel all that desirable, causing you to seek external satisfaction with OM), you're shagging someone else without his knowledge or agreement, and neither of you are communicating honestly.

Whether he has married you under false pretences or not, you have the opportunity to do the right thing: tell him about your affair and give him the option to leave, or tell him and leave yourself, and find someone you are actually compatible with.

Marriage is built on love, trust and communication. You're knowingly hurting each other which doesn't sound much like love, you're cheating so he blatantly can't trust you, and there is no communication.

What exactly do either of you get out of this sham?

hooki there are several medications available to reduce sex drive. That is how you can modify your libido.

M3lon NO! Really?! I stand corrected. I also wish someone had told me that when I was in my twenties. I would have gotten myself into far fewer predicaments

The rest of my post stands though.

Do you have kids op?

depending on how old you are they might not have been available at the time.

I'm in the other camp...looking for decent working aphrodisiacs...or possibly counselling. I hate the idea of intimacy since giving birth and don't really see a way out atm.

anyhoo....not relevant!

M3lon at the risk of highjacking the thread I felt similar from the beginning of my first pregnancy. I'm 14 months post partum with my second (having had sex about 3 times between the pregnancies) and just rediscovering mine. I've found that both the pill and breastfeeding made it worse. Be kind to yourself.

What is it with all these threads lately from women who want validation for cheating on their husbands, and more to the point, getting that validation here.

Last night I even saw one from someone wanting a threesome and posters were advising her where to go to find one. . The cynical part of me wonders if these are actually men with the same questions, but that they are posting as women because they know if they posted as men the responses would be vastly different.

Can you imagine a poster coming on here saying that her husband was having an affair and the reason he gave was that it was because they didn’t have sex? Would posters be telling her that he’d done nothing wrong because she wasn’t putting out? Somehow I don’t think so.

Obviously the world is never black and white, and sometimes sexless relationships do lead to affairs. But that doesn’t make them justified.

I haven’t had sex with my DP for ... erm.... a while, mostly due to health issues and more latterly because I just don’t have the drive any more. If he decided that he no longer wanted to continue the relationship because of it I would understand. But if he went outside the relationship and had an affair for sex and then tried to justify it by saying I was lovely in every other way I absolutely wouldn’t.

I guess I find it hard to judge you because his unwillingness to compromise is a bit weird. I would be happy never to have sex again, but my husband wants it every other day. So we seem to have got to once a week which works. Problem is if you can't leave you will have to accept it. Try and get him to attend marriage counselling. Is it a virgin/whore issue or a mother issue? Some men dislike sex once their partners are mothers. Also, errr, what about vibrators?

In my opinion, sex is very over-rated anyway!

I don't understand these comments. Its only over-rated if you are not being satisfied surely? It's surely an each to their own situation. The OP wants to have sex and does not think it's over-rated clearly

FWIW, I think you should tell your DH of your arrangement. At least give him the opportunity to try to resolve this or let you crack on as you are if he continues to be selfish about it

Would posters be telling her that he’d done nothing wrong because she wasn’t putting out? Somehow I don’t think so

I'd be saying exactly the same.

OP's DH isn't wrong for not wanting sex - nobody should have sex they don't want. I would support anybody who didn't want to have a sex life, however there has to be communication, one party in the relationship can't simply decide sex is off the table without engaging with the other to discuss why and what their options are.

I can see why the OP is so frustrated given his lack of willingness to examine the issue!

Diana, I haven’t rtft but i was in the same situation and am now waiting for he final part of my divorce to come through.
He allowed an open relationship for a while, but all it did for me was highlight what I so badly wanted at home but couldn’t have.
His constant rejection wore me down so much, my confidence was st rock bottom.
Like you, mystbxh buried his head when I tried to talk, which in the end spoke volumes.
Ending it has been the best thing for myself. Reading your account brought back all that hurt - mine also turned off the intimacy tap once married. It’s such a kick and it’s utterly unfair to marry you knowing you’re a sexual being then unilaterally decide sex is off the table. You should be a partnership.
His refusal to discuss this shows you how much regard he has for your happiness - as long as you shut up about your deep feelings of sadness and rejection, he’s happy. Is that the man you want?

why is it bizzare to suggest modifying her libido?

She already has reduced her expectations.

Of course there are double standards here, however there are other factors...

When a partner (usually female here) is posting about their (usually male) partner having a higher sex drive, those posts are full of details of their experience. Often this involves experience of sulking, coercion, emotional blackmail, groping and random sexual touching without consent, sex while they are sleeping etc. Of course in those situations, the OP is told their partner is out of order.

Those women who don’t want sex because both their partner is lazy and inconsiderate are advised that things would be improved if their partner took on more of the mental load. That advice would apply to both sexes if men were the ones carrying the majority of the load but that’s rarely the case.

Obviously it’s rare for someone to post details of doing this sort of thing themselves. We have no idea if OP engages in this sort of behaviour, yet the majority of posters have still criticised her actions.

I’ve seen one male poster who came on to post about his wife not wanting sex. He knew she posted on MN and would see it. He said that she did try and have sex with him but she was like a corpse and it wasn’t satisfying. He got ripped to shreds by most people too.

It’s easy to say it’s double standards but there are reasons behind that.