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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/10/2019 09:54

AIBU?

Of course!!!

You must be honest with him. If sex is that important to you, then be clear that you are having it elsewhere (and let him decide if he still wants to stay married to you) or end it with him.
Cheating is the worst option.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 25/10/2019 09:54

The fact that you haven't had the decency to tell your husband suggests you know you're in the wrong.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 25/10/2019 09:54

I have an affair partner because I am in an identical situation to the OP, and I miss having someone desire me sexually as much as the physical aspects of the act.

From OP's post it is JUST the sex though. In every other way the relationship is wonderful - so presumeably her partner is in other ways a loving and affectionate man with a very low libido.

NCforthis8478 · 25/10/2019 09:55

@54TequilaPilates, I always feel sorry for the OP's husband rather than the Op on those threads.

Lovemusic33 · 25/10/2019 09:57

You really shouldn’t have married him, his sex drive was never very high and it was always likely that things would get worse after marriage?

I don’t think I could stay with someone who didn’t want sex at least twice a week, it would mess with my mental health and make me feels unattractive and worthless, I need the closeness of sex from a partner.
I can see why you are upset and why you are looking elsewhere but it is unfair to cheat on him. You need to sit down with him and tell him that you need a healthy sex life or you are leaving.

EarPhones · 25/10/2019 10:00

It doesn't sound like a very loving marriage. You might get away with it for a short term but do you want kids with him? Would you see your FWB while raising your kids with your DH? No one will come out happy with lies and deceit.

NoProblem123 · 25/10/2019 10:00

YABU

He won’t talk about it so he clearly doesn’t want an open relationship.
You say he is lovely in every other way so why do you want to treat him like this.

AngelsSins · 25/10/2019 10:03

TequilaPilates Double standards exist EVERYWHERE in life, but MN is literally the only place I’ve come across where theyre more often in the woman’s favour, so it’s hard to get worked up about. I doubt there is a single men’s forum where a few men police the others and make sure they’re always being fair to women!

HaveIgoneMad · 25/10/2019 10:03

YABU and utterly selfish, I can sympathise with you having a higher sex drive and the lack of sex is understandably incredibly frustrating but that doesn't give you the right to hurt another human being. The fact that you are lying about it means that you know full well that your husband wouldn't like it and would be crushed. Nobody expects you to stay in a sexless marriage - you leave the marriage if you can't cope with the lack of sex.
Yes divorce is painful and messy and not straight forward, but cheating is one of the worst betrayals you can ever do to a person. If your husband finds out and ends the relationship, you clearly feel no guilt you will walk away and move on to another relationship emotionally unscathed. Your husband on the other hand could have trust issues that will follow him through every relationship he has afterwards, he might obsess over everything he did that caused you to leave (he has every right to refuse sex nobody is entitled to sex from another person!), cheating is so emotionally damaging but the only person you are thinking of is yourself, not to mention the risk of potential spread of STI.
It is a shame that your husband isn't willing to talk to you about this, but then that shows a communication issue and so the marriage clearly isn't all that wonderful anyway despite you saying it is.
You need to tell him that you are sleeping with another person, you need to give him the option to carry on with the marriage with you sleeping with other people or to end it. You don't get to decide that for him; he is either happy with an open relationship and from the sounds of it he most definitely isn't or you leave. Nobody is stopping you from leaving, nobody has forced you to stay in a sexless marriage, you on the other hand have cheated on your husband and that is the difference you had a choice in this situation whereas he didn't.

easyandy101 · 25/10/2019 10:08

Thread's an eye opener Shock

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 10:08

AngelsSins

But the double standards on here are so blatant, and even more to the point, denied.

If it's a woman not wanting sex the husband is labelled a sex pest, abusive and is coercing her to have sex. Has anyone accused the op here of that?

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 10:11

Judging by the opinions on here, once married you have a right to sex. If your partner won't co operate you then have the right to put their health at risk by having sex outside of the marriage.

Cannot wait to see that advice given when it's the woman not wanting sex.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 25/10/2019 10:11

A vibrator doesn't even come close to sex. People suggesting this as an alternative to the OP's FWB clearly have very low sex drives themselves if they think mechanical stimulation is an adequate substitute.

And yet men in a similar situation are told to masturbate (without porn of course).

SuchAToDo · 25/10/2019 10:12

Op if he doesn't want to have sex or has no desire to have sex then of course he should have to feel that he has to (imagine the replies on here if it was a woman saying she only wanted sex twice a month but her husband wanted it weekly and was cheating on her because she wouldn't have sex with him....people on here would tell the partner being cheated on to LTB)

Op if you want to save your marriage, stop cheating on your husband,...convince him to go.see a Dr (if his sex drive and desire for sex has disappeared that suddenly maybe it's something medical)...if it's not medical then go for couples mediation or therapy to try and talk through it in a safe mediated way....

As the current way of him closing down and you cheating is not working and is the road to divorce

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 25/10/2019 10:13

@TequilaPilates I agree with you, and I hate it. I would give the same advice to both men and women. And I don't always agree that the man is a sex pest. I actually feel sorry for them most of the time.

PennysPocket · 25/10/2019 10:13

YABU.

Tell your husband you want an open relationship due to having no marital sex life. He can then decide what he wants.

You can dress this up all you like but the fact remains you are cheating.

SuchAToDo · 25/10/2019 10:14

*shouldn't have to feel

dontdoxmeeither · 25/10/2019 10:14

I see your dilemma.

But you have to give him the choice. Had you said "he agrees our drives are different and is happy I have sex elsewhere" then happy days.

But he doesn't know. That's completely different. I feel you need to tell him straight, give him the option. If he agrees, great. If not, then you have a decision to make.

flashbac · 25/10/2019 10:18

FFS this is cheeky fuckery.
If you were a bloke posting this you'd be done for!

Mumofone1862 · 25/10/2019 10:19

OP you can't say the only thing wrong with your relationship is the sex drive. You are having an affair.

Married couples can have differing sex drives, my husband wants it way more than me but he doesn't have an affair, becuase he respects me and the commitment we made.

You do not respect your husband by sleeping with someone behind his back and that issue is a lot bigger than just a difference in sexual needs. The fact you seem to show no remorse for cheating and instead put your sexual needs ahead of his feelings/health and your marriage shows that you have issues that need addressing. (I say health as you could give him a STI as he thinks you are exclusive and so may not be as careful as he would if he knew you are having an affair).

Densol999 · 25/10/2019 10:20

This happens a lot more than you'd realise. My friend has a similar arrangement.
Its not something that would work for me but I can see her reasons and yours too.

SlightlyWizened · 25/10/2019 10:21

I haven't seen much double standards on this thread. Most posters have said OP is BU and cheating is never acceptable.
Perhaps MN is more sympathetic to women because most posters are women.
From what I have read time and time again on here is that women do more of the housework, organising, childcare, have heads full of all of that and more, including wildly fluctuating hormone levels post babies and then have their male partner hassling them for sex. Not the case here.

NCforthis8478 · 25/10/2019 10:22

For people harping on about the STI risk, cheaters (and I am one) are far more meticulous about protection than single people.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 10:23

For people harping on about the STI risk, cheaters (and I am one) are far more meticulous about protection than single people.

Well aren't you wonderful, your DP is a lucky guy/gal Smile

princessTiasmum · 25/10/2019 10:25

I think as sex is a part of marriage you have a right to a sex life, male or female, or don't get married