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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Anothernick · 25/10/2019 11:23

Good sex cannot be overrated - it is a truly heavenly experience.

I feel quite sorry for people who are unable to derive pleasure from it. They are missing out on an important part of life.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 25/10/2019 11:28

The cynical part of me wonders if these are actually men with the same questions, but that they are posting as women because they know if they posted as men the responses would be vastly different.

It had occurred to me too.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 11:32

There's no point in advising someone lying so comprehensively to herself.

Your posts are a total joke - describing this person as wonderful, you are so in tune, he is so caring etc ...

...and in the next breath you describe the way he's basically totally deceived you regarding sex, and 'shuts you down' when you try and discuss this vital issue which is so upsetting for you.

But you have a BRILLIANT relationship and he is WONDERFUL.

You even sympathise with Ulrika J's situation and call the guy 'fucking selfish'!

There is no point in you posting. You will continue having an affair because your H is shitting all over the idea of what marriage should be, while on the other hand convincing yourself that he is BRILLIANT until you can't bear it any more and you split. The end.

Derbee · 25/10/2019 11:42

In my opinion, sex is very over-rated anyway!

This isn’t helpful. This just means you don’t have very good sex. But that’s not constructive advice to someone who is used to having good sex.

We have great sex, at least 4 times a week, and neither of us would be ok with it suddenly decreasing, and then stopping.

Shortfeet · 25/10/2019 11:44

Op , I don’t think you are doing anything wrong.

Derbee · 25/10/2019 11:45

Actually, she is doing something wrong. You don’t get to have an open relationship with only one of you knowing about it. That’s wrong.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 25/10/2019 11:46

Deffo not unreasonable, it isnt fair on you and you have tried to be open xx

antisupermum · 25/10/2019 11:50

OP, I think you have this very nearly right. It's not like you're a sex addict, being incredibly demanding of your husband; you're asking for sex a couple times a month. If your DH can't be bothered with even that small amount of effort then I do feel you are entitled to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

I think that you should be telling him it's happening though; I don't think I could carry on with the double life for very long. Plus I think the sneaking about would eventually lose it's excitement and become quite exhausting.

If he won't discuss it, then I think you can just fire out the statement along the lines of "well don't be surprised if I look elsewhere for what I need, if you are not willing to even attempt to resolve this as a couple". It may ignite him to communicate on the matter or he may ignore it and be content with that possibility. But the point is, if he does uncover the truth, he can't say he wasn't warned!

Jinxed2 · 25/10/2019 12:09

Imagine if a man posted this!!!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/10/2019 12:10

Am I the only one to have a little snigger at the title..

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t (sleep with other men!) Grin

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 12:21

YABU because he doesn't know you're sleeping with other men behind his back.

Yes you have your reasons and you obviously posted here to alleviate your guilt.

The bottom line is that you are choosing to stay in the relationship knowing all the facts from him but you are not giving him all the facts so that he can decide if he wants to stay in the relationship.

I think you're not telling him because you fear he would leave you.

Therefore YABU because you are trying to have your cake and eat it. Tell him. Just say you're sleeping with someone else and does he want to talk about it.

But don't try to blame him. It has been solely your decision to cheat. You could have walked away and been free to sleep with whoever you want so you must take that responsibility firmly on your own shoulders.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 12:25

I don't think there's double standards. In all relationships it should be absolutely fine if one half of the couple doesn't want sex on occasions or for a particular period of time...so after childbirth for example, or if you're very tired, stressed, run down, bereaved etc. However, a situation where even in the honeymoon period of a relationship, one partner is barely interested or forces themselves to be culminating in a virtually celibate marriage with no attempt to discuss or rectify, then quite honestly, man or woman, it's selfish behaviour.

NerrSnerr · 25/10/2019 12:31

Would the people who think the OP is doing nothing wrong still think the same if she gave her husband Chlamydia?

kateandme · 25/10/2019 12:31

You're not having a friends with Benefits you having an affair Op.
You say he's deceived you or you feel lied to about what you thought marriage or him or the partnership would be, so do tell me what part of cheating on your husband is what marriage should be? double standards? I cannot imagine if a man has posted this he would have had his b* on a string.
Yes he should communicate.no it not compatible in ur sex needs.but NO WAY does that mean you can have an affair. Or an open marriage that he doesn't know about.

Notodontidae · 25/10/2019 12:31

Diana, you have asked for advice, while already taking action in the form of infidelity. I cant see how the relationship can continue now, and should end before children become involved. If there were no problems while you were dating, then something has happened. Is DHs job so stressful and debilitating that he has no energy, is his blood low on iron, is it a medical reason or have you become unattractive. If you loved him, surely you would have explored the reason for his lack of libido. Your posting now seems like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

BarbedBloom · 25/10/2019 12:39

YABU. I ended a relationship in very similar circumstances to you. Almost no sex and a complete refusal to discuss it. I was totally fine if it was for a period of time and my partner was willing to communicate about it and we could work toward a resolution one way or another. But the truth is for me sex is what separates a relationship from friendship. Even when I was single I would have a one night stand when I needed to because I like sex. It isn't even about the orgasm as I struggle with that bit.

If you decide to remove sex or limit sex severely in your relationship and refuse to discuss it then you need to accept that many people could not accept that and it leaves you with an open relationship or divorce. I would say that to a man or woman in the situation. However, I also don't agree with cheating, though I can understand how it has happened.

You need to give him an ultimatum really. Discuss the situation so you know where you both stand or it is over. I found that I began to resent him over time and all the lovely things he did didn't matter as much as the one thing he didn't, knowing how desperately unhappy I am.

I say this to both sexes when they post, no one has to have sex they don't want, but if you shut down sex permanently without discussion then you are either heading for affair, open relationship or divorce with many people.

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 25/10/2019 12:46

A pp mentioned an unwillingness to compromise.

A person with little or no sex drive expected to compromise in having sex when the desire isn't there is not the way to go and us morally wrong.

Even on the other hand suggesting they go to doctors to get it sorted us also unfair as it suggests they are defective and need fixing.

I think it's simply incompatibility and needs resolving properly without deceit and without making them feel like there is something wrong with them as an individual as it's the relationship that's not working

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 12:46

YABU to decide that your behaviour is a healthy, adult response to your marital problem.

You are abusive, leave him and give hime the chance to find someone more compatible.

blackcat86 · 25/10/2019 12:46

You should end your marriage because if you're cheating you're clearly not invested in it, you and your DH are unlikely to find more of an emotional and sexual connection if you're invested in other men, and you seem to want sex on a plate from your DH without making an effort with each other. Wheres the talk of romance, of connection as a couple, of your commitment to each other, of emotional support. It sounds like you want your DH to just lay back and think for England on your behalf. Life can be stressful and complicated so if your marriage was otherwise great I dont understand why you cant use masterbation when your DH isnt wanting sex. I dont really see how you can compare yourself to a woman who hasnt had sex in 8 years because you're only having sex once a month. Your DH may blossom in a relationship with someone who genuinely values him for who he is.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 12:49

Even on the other hand suggesting they go to doctors to get it sorted us also unfair as it suggests they are defective and need fixing

I don’t believe the OP has confirmed but if one of the issues is erectile distinction, then I think suggesting a trip to the doctors is reasonable not because the end result would be “yay now we have sex”, but because it can be indicative of underlying health issues!

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 12:49

Clearly distinction should be dysfunction.

I would imagine if he had erectile distinction there’d be no issue!

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 12:52

Discuss the situation so you know where you both stand or it is over

Yes but then she would lose the cushy relationship she adores so much.

This is why men cheat and OP is no better just because she's female.

Because they don't want to lose the other % of the relationship which is so precious. The kindness, companionship, faithfulness, financial help, security, comfort, fun, commitment, engagement, laughter, family, love, compromise, support and everything else that comes from a partnership.

OP is the same. She's just a cheat.

She is willing to gamble all of the above in exchange for sex.

But if he finds out and ends it, it will be tears, blame and empty promises.

It's the same old script.

RhiWrites · 25/10/2019 12:55

Yes I am free to leave. But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex.

That and the fact he refuses to discuss it and you’re having an affair.

M3lon · 25/10/2019 12:57

soup but that the point! She has reduced her actual sex frequency...not reduced her sex drive/libido and is hence unhappy.

She could actually reduce her drive and then be happy with the amount of sex her partner wants.

Schwesterherz · 25/10/2019 12:58

Really? What's so wrong about a bit of give and take in sex? I value my husband's happiness, sex makes him happy and just because I don't want it, it's not like it's being asked to stick my head in the toilet, is it. Can still be nice just to see his pleasure.