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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 25/10/2019 09:22

they are owed that conversation and the choice of opening up the marriage or ending it

Yes but he is not willing to discuss this or work to rectify the problem, effectively telling her to put up and shut up.

Is there a reason you aren't considering modifying your own libido

Confused This is bizarre.

SlightlyWizened · 25/10/2019 09:22

I feel for both of you. However he should be willing to discuss it and try things to resolve it. You shouldn't be cheating.
If nothing changes then you need to make a decision-talk to him about you having extra marital sex or dissolve the marriage.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 09:24

I have never seen on a thread where it's the wife who no longer wants sex anyone accusing her of being either gay or asexual. It is always declared to be the husband's fault - he has become unattractive due to not doing more than his fair share around the house, not being more considerate, not being romantic enough, not planning lots of treats to show her just how much he lives her...and on it goes.

Maybe it's the ops fault? Maybe she doesn't do enough around the house, maybe she needs to be spoiling her husband more, maybe she needs to be romancing him more.....

Derbee · 25/10/2019 09:26

Is there a reason you aren't considering modifying your own libido?

Why on earth should the OP do this further? Her DH is happy to have sex every other month or so. She wants a lot of sex, and has already modified her needs to once a week.

Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. Everyone is entitled to want the sex that they want, whether it’s none, or daily.

Oakmaiden · 25/10/2019 09:26

For some people, being fucked (or fucking) IS an emotional thing too.

And that is why "outsourcing" and lying about it is wrong. It is not just a functional chore that needs undertaking, it is an emotional transaction.

OP is having an emotional need, as well as a physical one, provided by someone outside the marriage because her husband is unable to provide that for her. I don't think that is necessarily wrong, but I can see all sorts of problems ahead because OP is almost certain to form a strong emotional attachment to her FWB. And then is becomes an emotional affair as well as a physical one.... Messy.

Either way, I think lying about it is wrong. OP needs to tell her husband what is going on. I suspect the reason she won't is because she knows it will devastate him and destroy the marriage. But, I guess that is the choice she needs to make. Is regular sex more important to her than marriage to this particular man? If it is, then leave him. If it isn't then stop having extra marital sex.

The very fact she is lying about it means she knows it is not OK.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 09:27

Maybe she doesn't do enough around the house

Yeah because it's a well known fact that men's sex drives are directly correlated to the amount of housework their wife does! Hmm

deydododatdodontdeydo · 25/10/2019 09:27

I'm astounded at some of these responses.
I've read this situation 100s of times on Relationship forum, but reversed, and the answers are always:

HIBU for trying to pressure you into sex.
Nobody has a right to sex.
HIBU for going elsewhere, he is a cheating cunt and you should ditch him.
Get yourself health checked, he may have picked something up.
You are entitled to not want sex, he is entitled to want it but he should leave.
He wants to have his cake and eat it - nice safe marriage and extra marital affairs.
YANBU or selfish by not wanting sex.

These answers are given time and time again in the reverse situation.
I've never seen anyone suggest the woman is breaking her marriage vows by not wanting sex ffs.

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 09:27

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FizzyIce · 25/10/2019 09:27

I think instead of screwing around behind his back you just need to say in no uncertain terms that things need to change or you will leave .
It doesn’t have to be a conversation,just that so he can think about it and if he chooses to do nothing then that’s your decision.
I couldn’t look my husband in the eye knowing I was banging someone else and think you need to do both of you a favour and end it

AngelsSins · 25/10/2019 09:27

The only thing wrong with the relationship is the lack of sex?!

What a fucking joke, there’s a lot more wrong, your husband is married to a liar and a cheat. If you’re so sure you’re doing nothing wrong, then tell him what you’re doing. But you won’t, because you’re also so painfully selfish that you won’t give him a fair choice as to if he wants to be with a liar or not.

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 09:30

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JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 09:31

She stated that ending the marriage would be a nightmare financially. I’m not the only one who picked up on that

It could mean nothing other than complex? Or a nightmare for him, she may be the higher earner. I would have described our financial split as a “nightmare” simply because there was a lot to consider for various reasons.

The marriage is over in all but name

Not necessarily. A discussion is needed obviously.

By continuing it, she is gradually building up entitlement to marital assets fraudulently

Again you’re assuming he’s the higher earner?

The financial aspect is largely irrelevant, especially when we know no more than a few word quote.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 25/10/2019 09:32

think you are very naive to think that our problems are an either or situation.

Not really. If you told him that you were regularly fucking someone else would he stay with you?

You have all of the information you need to decide whether to stay in your marriage. He doesn't, because you are keeping it from him.

It's unreasonable of him not to discuss the issues, absolutely. But the answer isn't to shag around behind his back.

This really is one of the rare times I think you'd have a very different response if the sexes were reversed.

1950swallpaper · 25/10/2019 09:33

You want the best of both worlds. A comfortable marriage with a lover to fill the gaps your husband cannot fill. Sorry but I honestly think it is either accept infrequent sex or leave him and find someone who suits you better. Long term deception is not nice.

lynsey91 · 25/10/2019 09:33

You are totally in the wrong. Cheating is never ok.

You need to speak to him. If he will accept an open marriage fine, if not you leave.

If you truly loved him and, perhaps more importantly, respect him, you would not cheat on him

penisbeakers · 25/10/2019 09:39

Jesus fucking Christ.

You are cheating on your husband. If this was a bloke posting he would be slaughtered. You are clearly not compatible sexually so you have to tell him you want to seek sex elsewhere with his full consent, or you split. You are being absolutely dreadful. Grow up.

Littledidsheknow · 25/10/2019 09:40

but am I expected to be in a sexless relationship because my husband doesn’t want to have sex?

No, you're not. You can leave. You're being selfish and deceitful.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 25/10/2019 09:41

Either leave or invest in some good sex toys - what your doing now is extremely unfair to your poor husband

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 25/10/2019 09:43

If your relationship is wonderful in other ways, as you say, could you not make "arrangements" that don't involve infidelity? (ie, buy a vibrator).

If it is just a mismatch of sexual drives, it seems a shame to risk throwing your marriage away.

If you had said he was emotionally cold as well, I would say "go for it", but as you say other aspects are good, it may be the wrong thing to do. I would say that if you aren't prepared to leave altogether, then don't be unfaithful.

SoupDragon · 25/10/2019 09:44

he is not willing to discuss this or work to rectify the problem

Then I think she needs to be straight with him "I love you and love being with you but if we do not find a middle ground on the sex front I will look for a FWB"

He does need to know though. As another poster said, he doesn't have all the information needed to decide whether he wants to stay married to the OP. The choice isn't all hers.

I can't imagine many people telling a man that it was OK to have another woman because of a lack of sex at home.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 09:45

deydododatdodontdeydo

Exactly. And then people have the cheek to say that double standards don't exist on MN.

Nearlyadad · 25/10/2019 09:47

Yes YABU to sleep with other men because your husband won’t sleep with them

NCforthis8478 · 25/10/2019 09:49

A vibrator doesn't even come close to sex. People suggesting this as an alternative to the OP's FWB clearly have very low sex drives themselves if they think mechanical stimulation is an adequate substitute.

I have an affair partner because I am in an identical situation to the OP, and I miss having someone desire me sexually as much as the physical aspects of the act.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 25/10/2019 09:51

In my opinion, sex is very over-rated anyway!

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 09:54

NCforthis8478

Yet people are very happy to tell the husbands on threads where the wife doesn't want sex to just use his hand instead.

Regardless of what is or isn't a replacement for sex, having an affair is never the answer.

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