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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 25/10/2019 13:02

After this thread I don’t think any woman can complain that her DH had an affair as he wasn’t getting enough at home ever again.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 13:02

After this thread I don’t think any woman can complain that her DH had an affair as he wasn’t getting enough at home ever again

Don’t be daft.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 13:05

I do wonder if this type of situation is harder for women than men because the media and world around us feeds us a narrative that men are permanently up for it ... therefore it's a double kick in the teeth for a woman if her husband won't sleep with her.

Just a thought...

TatianaLarina · 25/10/2019 13:05

Don’t be daft.

It’s many of the replies on this thread that are daft.

Anothernick · 25/10/2019 13:06

@schwesterherz

Exactly. I take huge pleasure in satisfying my DW, it makes me feel incredibly close to her, sex is less enjoyable for me if I think she is just going through the motions to keep me happy. But it would be far worse if she didn't want to keep me happy, and I wouldn't dream of refusing to satisfy her because that is my duty as her DH.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 13:08

It’s many of the replies on this thread that are daft

It’s one thread. There are 1000s of posters on MN. Why do the responses from one set of posters on one thread mean other people can’t post?

MN isn’t a homogenous mass.

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 13:17

I wouldn't dream of refusing to satisfy her because that is my duty as her DH

Let's just be crystal clear on this. No-one has a duty to provide sexual gratification to anyone else.

TatianaLarina · 25/10/2019 13:19

Riiight.. rhetorical comments aren’t meant to be taken doggedly literally.

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 13:19

Wow.

Ok, I’ll clear up some ridiculous assumptions from some posters.

I am a woman.

I am the higher earner. DH would be the one gaining a hefty settlement should we get divorced. But that’s not the reason I am staying. I genuinely love him and as PP have said, it is soul destroying not to be sexually desired by your husband.

He isn’t gay. One of the things I struggled with was knowing he had an incredibly active sex life with his ex. Opposite to us, they had nothing in common except for sex. He says it’s because he was younger then.

I have said to him many times in the past couple of years that I needed to have an open relationship if our sex life remained unfulfilled. He ignored and buried his head in the sand. So finally I did it and started sleeping with a friend. But what’s the good in telling him? It will only hurt him.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 13:19

If you don't tell him what's going on then it means you know he wouldn't be happy about it or accept it.

If he wouldn't be happy about it or accept it, but you still want to do it then you should leave.

You're well within your rights for this to be a dealbreaker, but you are trying to have your cake and eat it too.

It's not just the action, it's the lying too.

If you love someone then you wouldn't think you'd do something you knew would be the end of the relationship.

Yes he absolutely needs to take on board what you tell him you want and need, but not giving him full disclosure on this means he isn't able to make an informed decision.

It sounds like his self confidence will be shattered if he finds out and you surely wouldn't want to make someone you love feel that way.

FWIW I couldn't be in a relationship where sex drives were so mismatched as I need the intimacy and closeness that sex brings to me not just the physical act.

So if I was incompatible with a partner in that way and there was no compromise that they and I were both comfortable with, I'd leave the relationship.

TatianaLarina · 25/10/2019 13:20

Fairenuff beat me to it.

No-one has a duty to have sex with anyone. That is an idea men invented 4000 years ago so women would fuck them without complaint.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 25/10/2019 13:21

if telling him will only hurt him then why the f are you doing it?

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 13:21

Sorry I phrased this poorly:

If you love someone then you wouldn't think you'd do something you knew would be the end of the relationship.

What I meant to say is:

If you love someone then you wouldn't think you'd do something you knew would hurt them so much.

TatianaLarina · 25/10/2019 13:23

I have said to him many times in the past couple of years that I needed to have an open relationship if our sex life remained unfulfilled. He ignored and buried his head in the sand. So finally I did it and started sleeping with a friend. But what’s the good in telling him? It will only hurt him.

I’m not convinced this is genuine.

After 2 years you give an ultimatum, suggest separation, you don’t fuck someone else.

hookiwooki · 25/10/2019 13:23

OP, it's not an open relationship if he doesn't know about it. That's an affair.

JaquesHammer Erectile distinction Halloween Grin

ThreeLittleDots · 25/10/2019 13:24

I needed to have an open relationship if our sex life remained unfulfilled. He ignored and buried his head in the sand

Your needs don't trump his. You are abusive. Let your husband go - I'm really pleased he'd get a decent settlement out of you with a decent lawyer, though you've not been married long so perhaps not. You certainly would NOT have any high ground due to infidelity.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 13:24

@hookiwooki

OP, it's not an open relationship if he doesn't know about it. That's an affair.

Spot on.

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 13:25

But what’s the good in telling him? It will only hurt him.

So as long as he doesn't find out it's ok?

That is how you are justifying sleeping with men behind your husband's back?

Alrighty then.

Just for fun, what would happen if he did find out. Would you hand him a plate of blame.

Fuck me.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 13:26

Erectile distinction

I’ve just texted my FWB to congratulate him on his Grin

NerrSnerr · 25/10/2019 13:26

But what’s the good in telling him? It will only hurt him.

It would mean he could get checked for STDs and be able to make an informed choice about his sexual health. If you're dishonest enough to lie about having sex with another man you're dishonest enough to lie about whether you use a condom.

Fairenuff · 25/10/2019 13:29

It would also allow him to check out of this sham of a 'relationship'.

But I reckon that's OP's real motivation for not telling him.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 25/10/2019 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pixiefalls · 25/10/2019 13:31

Imagining the responses of this was a man posting. He'd be asked if he was doing enough around the house or advised to pay for a spa break for her, but under no circumstances, take a lover

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 25/10/2019 13:31

Diana,

Fwiw, I understand that it might hurt him but he needs to know, so he can decide what, if anything, he wants to do about it.

My DP has asked that i tell him when I'm attracted to someone else. He knows that i have two lovers, and although he doesn't want the intimate details, he does want to know that I'm safe, satisfied and happy. He wants that for me, and because he can't give me that he's happy to know that someone else can - he wants me to be happy.

Does you DH want that for you? You need to talk to him. If he won't talk then you tell him what you're doing. No action by him is action. Remember that.

57Varieties · 25/10/2019 13:32

If you’re not happy with your sex life, and he won’t improve it, YANBU to be unhappy with this.

YABU to fuck other men behind his back