To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

@Smotheroffive exH has conveniently moved to another city, too far away for the kids to reasonably get to school.

I've really prided myself on maintaining a good relationship with exH, but I've just realised that he's, well, not all that.

Oh goodness @Daddystilllost

So sorry, thats really upsetting to hear.

Does your illness keep you from joining in with play groups and other activities where you could meet other DMs?

I know you wouldn't be able to go out in the eve without setting up babysitting, but you could go with your dc to weekend activities, or after school play dates and meet ups?

I mean, you might not be able to manage that and ita not an ask for any details on your health, just thinking ways round you could get out in the community more. Have you tried your nearest children and family centre?

Do you have enough support for your heakth matters, or maybe there are groups out there for your particular healh issue with dc too?

This can be changed for you hopefully and your weeks not look so bleak and lonely. Did you lose your partner? (from your username)

Sounds like she has a great set up. Im a sole parent who works full time all year round so everything is on me - all childcare, mortgage payments, activities etc etc. No outside help as no family or friends nearby and I am the only one to mind a sick child and somehow work at the same time. She really has nothing to moan about but I know another single parent where I am and she does the same - moans that her life is far harder than anyone elses. Always.

If he's moved away from his dc, then he's moved away from them. Theres absolutely no requirement of you to accommodate that and have your dc leave home every weekend. Thats a big upheaval every weekend. They need to hang out at home, just chillin. It can make every week very pressured for them to have to leave every weekend.

No, he doesn't sound all that to expect his DC to do this every single weekend!

but why that constant need to pretend that another parent have help at all during the week, just because they are part of a couple?

So because some people in relationships spend time alone or don’t have much help, single parents should not discuss what their single parent status means to them or how it makes them feel, or the difficulties they personally face? Why does this forum persist in trying to silence single mums who are finding life difficult? Why do single mums have to constantly justify themselves only to be told that others have it hard why so think about them or you’re self-absorbed and don’t have it hard anyway cos the ex coughs up £100 a month in maintenance and sees the kids every other weekend?

@Smotheroffive Thanks. Yeah he's been missing for years now.

I've tried groups but in my area they're all full. Plus the only day we're available is Sunday and with groups being primarily in churches that's obviously a no go on a Sunday! My daughter really enjoys going to grandmas for a sleepover on Saturday lunchtimes. Besides, no groups on a Saturday either.

I can't see any change unless something becomes available on a Saturday morning or a Sunday.

There is a coffee morning at school on Thursday mornings for an hour which I always attend. Sometimes I'm sat on my own, other times I get to have a nice chat with some of them, you just never know x

Anyone with DPs or friends that can help out, make everyones lives easier or harder.

Single parenting and dual parenting is made harder or easier by others helping, having different work arrangements, etc.

Some SPs have it a lot harder than other SP. Some dual parents have it a lot harder than others too, but they work together, there are two to parent, two for the dc to take homework to, or be to read to by, or to do baths, share food shops, make dinners, etc. If you're in a shit relationship that effectively makes you a single parent struggling on alone thats not a relationship, some are sadly in that boat.

Shut indoors alone without any other adult help, conversation, interaction, support, closeness, taking solitary financial burden and responsibility for everything is very very different,no matter what job you do.

The job and the extended family can make a huge difference to all families SP or not.

I’m with you op. I am a single parent to 4 (two with disabilities) I am totally alone. Ex is absent haven’t seen him in years. Doesn’t pay a penny in maintenance, have no help from family so never get a break. Then I know single mums whose kid lives with the ex 50/50 and only have one child. Saying how hard they have it and how exhausted they are.

It’s not a race to the bottom. What you may see as ‘easy’ (50/50 cafe etc) may be a huge struggle for someone with severe depression say.

Why can’t we all just worry about our own lives instead of trying to contest who works harder, who struggles more etc etc.

She has to arrange ALL the child care, she has to make sure all bills are paid on time, she has to clean, wash, cook meals, do bath and bed times ALL alone. She is the one who is with the through the night when they are ill initially before she can get any help. She is the one probably takes them to parties, after school activities, entertains them all summer long. She is the one who deals with arguments and discipline at times playing good cop bad cop. So YES the father should have them on a wknd to give her a break he created half of them.
So yes she doesn't have it easy it's very very HARD. You are one person doin all of this ALONE. YABVVU!!
What happens when she's ill and struggles to cope alone, do you know how hard is it to ask family or an ex for help??
Until you have been in her situation and done it all yourself you will never ever know ! Posts like this wind me the hell up.

N yes I am a single parent too.

And oh if you are moaning about her telling you or sharing her struggles, your a crap friend !! You should b supporting her !!

Thats very sad, I'm so sorry, thats a lot to deal with, her DF going missing.

We have a lot on during the week after school, even in just going to nearby playgrounds after school, and lots of Saturday morning clubs too, some where parents are involved and others not.

Swimming clubs, reading groups at libraries, are you into any activities like knitting, or reading where you could join in a book club? Just some ideas obviously you know your health limitations and whats available to you. If you have support for your health issues maybe they have some ideas?

Just some thoughts. I hope you can get your week a bit more connected to others and involved in enjoyable activities.

I'd hate to not have my kids every weekend. She only gets to do the morning routine and after school. Sounds crap.

What happens when she's ill and struggles to cope alone, do you know how hard is it to ask family

Not for everyone. The op said she had two sets of willing grandparents.

My personal view from what I've observed is that two sets of willing, helpful, nearby grandparents is far more of a practical help than a partner, even if the partner pulls their weight.

I'm not a single mum but I have little family support. Sometimes if one of my dc has appointments I need help with my other DC and the school run ..my oh works longish hours...leaves at 7.30am and gets back at 7.30pm. I would have to use the schools breakfast club or tea club as I had no one to pick them up. If I'm ill, I still do the school run as it's ridiculous to expect my oh to take a whole days leave to do two twenty minute school runs...if I had a helpful grandparent down the road, I could ask them to do it and give them their dinner.

PumpkinP I'm really sorry you're struggling, but others might be a lot worse off than you, should they tell you to stop moaning and get a grip you have it easy? No. Moan about your lot if its hard.

Its hard for couples with DC, it's the end for some, they can't manage home and family once dc come along, it places a huge pressure on couples. Just because there are two it isnt magically easy, but its got to be harder being alone with DC, no matter your circumstances.

Families with dc with SN have additional worries, financial load, emotional and physical burden, SP or dual.

Being a SP and doing it alone has to be hard taking all the burden of responsibility and being the only adult in the house, so tied to the house not being able to get out.

My first thought when DS was born was “shit, how do single parents do this!”

YABU.

YABU and acting like a jealous cow. Leave your oh and see how easy her life is.
What a horrible thread, you should be ashamed. If you aren't happy with your life do something about it. Don't put others down to feel better yourself.

I know my friend who moans and she does not have it harder or can claim to. The certain friend who I’m referring to has had 4 holidays this year cos her ex had the kid whenever she wants. It’s frustrating then hearing them say how hard they have it.

It’s frustrating then hearing them say how hard they have it

EVERYONE has things they find hard. Everyone has the right to moan about it.

Close friend who you are bitching about?

My brother came out well of a separation to. His work hours are extremely flexible so he can pick up the kids and work from home a lot, sees the kids 50/50 through the week but has two weekends out of the month free which he spends with his partner who he met months after he split from his ex. He said himself he is very fortunate

I think it's irrelevant if she's got it easy we should be supporting women that are single and managing to work and manage their lives and that of their dc. It's hard and society aren't always the kindest about it all. I have struggled and I'm married. Her life actually sounds better than mine but when I'm ill I know someone will be there to take over from me. Her rainy days will be tougher than that of someone who has a dp imo.

we should be supporting women that are single and managing to work and manage their lives and that of their dc. It's hard

It's hard for some and probably not that hard for others. I don't see why just the label of 'single parent' necessarily means life is automatically tough. Everyone's circumstances are different.

In over a decade of being a mum, I've had two nights away from my DC. I'd absolutely love a childfree weekend.

@formerbabe ok fair enough

@formerbabe ok fair enough sorry posted early... I too have zero childcare just about manage a job but probably have to quit for summer and I find it incredibly difficult but I do think it's harder being alone and not having anyone there to simply moan about everything to or simply know someone's there for you. I have a dh so I'm able to spend the night away without wondering how I'll manage childcare for that one night etc that's what I meant.