To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

Or noone to share life and death medical decisions aboit your dc with.

Smotheroffive seriously get off questioning usernames, you’re starting to come across as deranged!

She has it very easy if you ask me. She needs to walk in my shows for a day or two. I'm a single parent to a child with challenging behavioural difficulties. My kids dad doesn't want to know so 100% of parenting falls on me. My parents have both passed and most of my other family live miles away. Your friend needs a reality check if she thinks her life is hard. Plus it's not just about being a single parent. I know couples who through other circumstances also have things tough.

Smotheroffive seriously get off questioning usernames, you’re starting to come across as deranged!

Thats really offensive, and untrue.

I asked one user a genuine question about her user name and it seems to have generated a lot of hostilities.

At a loss to understand why, or why the problem in answering, thats all. Nothing deserving of all this

Your friend needs a reality check if she thinks her life is hard

Why? Why can’t her life be hard if others have it harder.

I could reel off a list of people who have life harder than you. Except it isn’t a competition. Everyone has their challenges and it’s dishonest to pretend otherwise.

@Jennywren2978

Everyone has it tough. Why try to grade it?
I'm sure there are people who have it tougher than you. Does that mean you are not allowed to complain?
Of course not.
We should be supporting each other not devising hierarchies of misery

I really don't think we should judge anyone as "having it easy" or thinking we know anyone else's situation fully.

Posts like yours, OP really upset me.

I don't actually find the logistics and practicalities the worst part. It's hard - working, all domestic duties, the mental pressures and the financial burden. But, you get through it because you have to and actually you end up feeling really quite proud of yourself for doing all the things that traditionally take 2 people. I don't say this often enough, but I am proud of myself that I do all of these things alone and I do it bloody well.

This isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is not having the other person there who helped to bring your child into the world. Share their achievements, reminisce about their first word, first steps, how cute they are when they mispronounce things.
Who love your child in the same way you do. No one else can replace that.

Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to watch your child open presents on Christmas morning or their birthday, and not have another adult to exchange little glances with, to share the joy.

My child is taken away from me for 104 days a year. Every year. It sounds dramatic, but that's exactly what it is. I don't want that. I didn't ask for it. Yet I have no choice. Can you begin to imagine how that feels? The child I carried for 9 months and birthed and nursed. Taken away from me whether I like it or not.

It's fucking heartbreaking. And your post is horrible.

I do feel for you PP as it does all fall on your shoulders and for what it's worth, you sound bloody fantastic x
I do know a few who call themselves single parents but have partners who share the load of a weekend and also co parent with their ex's 50/50. That is undeniably easier than someone who truly is on their own.

@OhILoveYourHairLikeThat Slight derail but I just wanted to give you a huge virtual hug. You have articulated exactly how it feels, I could have written your post myself. It is hard, bloody hard, for all of the reasons you have stated. Give yourself a massive pat on the back, you’re doing a fab job

What should I call myself then? A divorcee with children?

ExH doesn’t pay a cent and in fact I have to pay him maintenance. Does that change things? Where’s your line?

@OhILoveYourHairLikeThat You have it 100%. Hugs for you. But I agree that's how it is.

I'm just making the point that a woman/man who are truly on their own have it harder than someone who has a partner who can share the load. I don't think someone who has their partner round 50% of the time when their kids are there are truly 'single parents'. It doesn't compare to someone who is alone raising their kids, no financial support, emotional help or practical help, all of it being on their shoulders.

But I don’t HAVE a partner! What part of ‘single’ don’t you understand?

But I don’t HAVE a partner!

Same. I haven’t had since we separated and will never have.

But apparently I’m not a single parent because DD sees her dad 10ish nights a month

@OhILoveYourHairLikeThat

I agree, this thread is like something out of mean girls and leaves a bad taste. Hugs to you. 🤗

Thats what I am saying, if you don't have partners you are single parents.
Yet those who have new partners there most of the week alongside their kids, I wouldn't call that single parenting.

I meant new partners rather than ex's if that makes sense.

@VulcanRay spot on. I’d hate to do all the hard work and miss out on the chilled fun times.

you never know what’s going on behind closed doors.
It’s like Instagram, you only show the good times. The crap behind the scenes is never displayed. Or when it is it is with those that they consider consider themselves close to.
Having a great support network doesn’t make up for the stuff you loose when you are single.

I would never ever say my single friends have it easier. No way!!!! My goodness. My friends struggle. When their kids have a tantrum. There’s no one to back then it take over. When the parent is ill there is no one to help. There’s no real alone time. Every hard bit of life she deals with alone

I can’t even believe people think this

@formerbabe just for clarification I am watching reruns of Benidorm and got my name from there - I used to be Whoseagooddoggie but it was getting boring!

Definitely some people get so hot headed about this subject. Depending on how hormental I am I probably do too. The ones that really piss me off are, going on experience, a sahm whose hubbie works a 9-5. He provides everything for her and at the time their one child, yet at a playgroup one morning she loudly pronounced how she feels like she is practically a single parent. I didnt slap her cos as an actual single parent although I use the term sole parent, I didnt have the energy to slap her what with being up all night for weeks on end with teething twin boys. I think this was about a week before I went back to work after maternity leave and it was only when I went back that I felt pity for her cos at least I got a break even if it was going to the office!!

Same single parent group a few years later and I clearly looked like my ducks were in a parallel line. One woman with a hubbie and a boring marriage went from feeling sorry for me, cos ye know, the kids had nobody to call daddy etc to being jealous of my 'carefree' life and decided to leave her husband. She then got an almighty bang of reality and realised that my facade was just that. I would never break down and cry about how hard life is/work is/parenting is/lonliness is to anyone who was not a friend of years so she blamed ME for allowing her to think singledom was better when she asked him back and he declined. He continued to pay mortgage and bills and take kids every weekend. She then met and moved someone else in and to this day tells everyone how hard her life is. She also only works term hours and term time and has shared custody with the loveliest man and is now telling people that I am a sad dried up old cow who will never find a man - cos ye know, thats what validates you!

And if you (general) feel aggrieved or similar because she has free time. Talk to your partners to do their equal load to give you free time. It’s hardly hers or those in similar situations fault that some people in couples settle for a live of imbalance within their relationship.

she blamed ME for allowing her to think singledom was better when she asked him back and he declined

I know!!! Apparently I made it look fun and easy. What did she expect like when I saw her once a week at a kids group ffs? Of course I was smiling - my kids were off on the floor playing instead of whinging in my face!!!!!!!! But anyway... guess thats what happens when you get your kids to bed for 9 and have 2 entire hours to entertain yourself with tans, nail polish etc LOL I always looked good on the outside which clearly dimmed her lights :D