To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

Hmm

By some posters’ definitions, there is no such thing as a single parent unless you live alone and 500 miles away from the nearest human

Genuinely, what is a babe? An infant, baby? seriously is this how we debate now?!

I think if your critical thinking skills can't stretch to interpreting my username, there's pretty much no hope.

By some posters’ definitions, there is no such thing as a single parent unless you live alone and 500 miles away from the nearest human

I think all certain posters are pointing out is "single parent" and "coupled parent" arent blanket terms that respectively mean "difficult life" and "easy life"...there are additional considerations into what makes someone's life more of a struggle

This thread is super useful for updating my ‘who is a massive cunt’ spreadsheet i must say.

YABU, lone parenting is tough, regardless of how easy it appears on the surface.
Every weekend without the kids it hard, 6-8 weeks of constantly being with your child through the summer with no other adult coming home in the evenings is the pits.
No one to hug you at the end of the day when the kids have taken 2 hours to get to sleep and you're too exhausted to even make dinner is soul destroying. Now try this every day, plus maintaining your home and a full time job.
Try not being able to leave the house once you got the kids bathed and in bed, god help you if you run out of toilet roll or milk.
You are alone every evening, barely anyone wants to date you because you are a single mum to young kids, or they think you're only worth a hook up - the stigma is real.
You're solely responsible for all bills, childcare and everything even if you are on deaths door. Anything that goes wrong, there is only you to sort it.
Being alone at Christmas is no fun, you miss out on every other birthday, easter, NYE, you have to beg to keep the kids on weekends to take them to family events.
When you earn a small but full time wage you are often not topped up by any/many benefits, you miss out on the free school meals because you get an element of working tax credit for example.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
That being said, it can feel a damn sight easier than when you have a useless dick of a husband/partner/manchild in the equation.

My dd (10) saw a friends mum on school run and said why does she always look tired - a big discussion then erupted about having children, working, running a home. We concluded friends mum has a husband to help but we never know what goes on behind closed doors and what stresses individuals are under. So if a 10 year old can understand this concept adults should be able to.
As a single parent whom is disabled with 3 dc 2 primary one secondary and one of which is disabled to an outsider I have it hard (and at times it is) however I'd never say its harder than my neighbour who has a husband and similar age children because I don't know what she's going through. I'd also say as someone who has had lots of hurdles to overcome I take stress a lot better than some (I can see this is occurring with my disabled dc he seemingly copes with stress better than his peers because he's delbt with more than most adults have already and may also be down to how he sees me deal with things).
I think just being a parent is stressful single or not. Some parents will always make out that they have much a harder time than others - it's probably more to do with their personality than their circumstances.

madamButterface

perhaps start with the OP, who loves to bitch about her close friends.

IMO there are single parents eg parents who happen to be single and lone parents eg people who parent alone with no financial or practical support from the other parent.

Lone parents don’t get weekends off, don’t get maintenance money, have all of the responsibility and get disparaged by society to boot.

Lock up the absent parents who refuse to support their dcs!

and get disparaged by society to boot

You think single mothers are exempt from that?

Single mother = shocking
Single father = isn’t he amazing stepping up

I thought I’d stepped in to the twilight zone with all the incessant questioning surround a fairly innocuous username

I don’t think hardship is something that can be measured. You never truly know someone else’s circumstances and you never truly know how that person handles hardship either. I’m married and DH is more than an equal parent, my 2 year old DS is a dream most of the time but I still find being a parent fucking hard

Seriously though, what about the married mother whose DH is seriously ill and she is his full time carer as well as being a parent? Or the married mother who is being abused by her husband? There are surely no hard and fast rules to who has it tougher!

@formerbabe you're being facetious now, as I mentioned I have no family, the OP mentioned the lady has an ex who has her dc. You then commented to say wish you could have a weekend off the back of that. You still can. You choose not to. That was my point. A single dm as you've rightly pointed out has to go and ask someone else to babysit outside of her home. That is much more inconvenient than a dp who's sat next to you most of the time and whom you know their schedule well enough to know when is best to go etc.

I’m a single parent. I’ve had other single parents say to me that I don’t have it as hard as they do as I only have 1 child.

I just replied that I didn’t realise it was a competition.

OP; Just hoik your judgey pants out of your arse and be a friend.

It's not a competition! Lose the hair shirt and birch twigs OP

Sincerely, a put upon single mum.

A single dm as you've rightly pointed out has to go and ask someone else to babysit outside of her home. That is much more inconvenient than a dp who's sat next to you most of the time and whom you know their schedule well enough to know when is best to go etc.

Of course a single mum with no ex or extended family has it worse.

However, let's say you have a husband but no extended family. One of your DC has a hospital appointment that clashes with the school run for your other dc. Your husband is working and can't get time off...what the hell do you do? Whereas a single mum with four willing grandparents can ask one of them to pick up the other child.

Yes I know my dhs schedule...he's out the house 7.30-7.30 five days a week.

Helpful (presumably retired) grandparents as described in the op are probably around all day.

Your husband is working and can't get time off...what the hell do you do?

Use breakfast club or after school club as you said you would earlier...?

All this creating of scenarios is nonsensical. If someone says they’re finding life the hard the kind thing to do is commiserate and offer an ear, not seethe about how they shouldn’t because others find it worse.

I mean, it would probably make me roll my eyes. I'm a single parent, I work, I'm doing a masters, my DDs dad has no contact with her at the moment and no maintenance is paid. So basically, I'm permanently knackered and stressed!

I work with another single parent who's DDs dad has her regularly, pays a good amount of maintenance and she's allowed to bring her (older) child into the office in the holidays. I was having a bit of a moan about holiday club and she said oh I would never pay for holiday club, I don't want my benefits being messed around and I don't think it's good for the children. 🙄 I did think that was a bit of a pointless thing to say to me; my DD is not going to holiday club because I have multiple other options that I'm disregarding.

But I think it's weird that your friends have conversations whereby they compare how hard their lives are. It is what it is so I don't see the point in doing that. I'd rather just get on with it tbh and hope for easier, less exhausting times in the future.

When my best friend, who is in a stable relationship and is a SAHM, complains about something - I don't think, god what are you complaining about? It's all relative. I should never ever feel fed up, then, as people in Africa are starving.

All in all, she sounds a bit annoying, but you don't sound very nice either.

I think if your critical thinking skills can't stretch to interpreting my username, there's pretty much no hope.

This is beyond rude.

I simply asked you what it meant, what you mean by dwscribing yourself as babe

It was a simple question. Why on earth all the affrontery? I don't get it

Have I stumbled upon some hornets nest, in whih case why use that name, if you are so ashamed as to not be able to answer it!

BTW I sincerely hope you are not BTW, so ashamed I mean,but you can choose any name.

It was just a question, which you refuse to answer and instead be nasty at me for asking

I simply asked you what it meant, what you mean by dwscribing yourself as babe

I'm not.

Does your OH have no responsibility for your dc formerbabe ?

What is all this?

Is it the case that even in dual parent families some are absenting their duties permanently to the other?

I guess so.

But regardless, ho hum. Its not about who has what job, or who has what extended family and friends or who has what money, there is a distinct difference between those with both parents taking care of their dc, dual parenting, and those that do that in isolation, single parents.

Inside the home, on their own, not about those that pop in and out, the number of people who actually do the daily stuff inside the home, bearing the mental emotional and physical load of house, duties and dc.

Does your OH have no responsibility for your dc formerbabe ?

I do the vast majority as he's out of the house for nearly 12 hours a day and I'm also a sahm...both DC are at school. If I need extra help, he will do anything I need him to

She seems to have it easier than a lot of parents, lone or dual. On the surface, that it.
Each situation is different.

Something can look easy on the outside, but the reality can be completely different, different people also cope differently in challenging situations.

I’m a lone parent (there has never been another parent), I’m NC with all but one of my family (not my choice).

I have a well paying job so my finances aren’t a problem, my son is well behaved and very social with my friends.

But what people don’t see is the pressure to provide on a single wage, the frequent meltdowns, the really hard days when he’s in pain (hard to see physical disability) or the effects of childhood trauma.

I dont think women should shit on other women because they haven't had it hard enough.
If your friend says she is struggling, why cant you take that at face value, and, God knows, maybe even offer a little support?
Why try to minimise or dismiss her feelings by pointing out the one inevitable group of people who have it shittier than she does?
Like that is something to be grateful for.

Try only having your children for company when you come home after a long day. Day in day out and tell me that is easier than having someone else in the house to share the load or having someone else to talk to whenever you feel like it.