To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

I did not see that thread but I do think there are different types of single parent - some have the help of an ex and it is amicable which is the best scenario. Arguably having a toxic relationship with an ex could be worse than not having an ex around at all. I am totally alone in parenting and cannot imagine having to add arguing about money and custody with an ex on top of the pressure of parenting alone to be honest.

I did not see that thread but I do think there are different types of single parent - some have the help of an ex and it is amicable which is the best scenario

Of course there are. But it doesn’t mean that those type of parents still don’t need support, that’s my point. Nor should they be told they should suck it up because they have it so good, you know?

@Smotheroffive

That doesn’t come across as a genuine question at all. It just makes you come across as a bit obnoxious.

I'm similar to your 'friend' op, except I have 4 DC so it's obviously harder for me

A supportive ex and great DGs are absolutely not the same as having a partner- remember, like most SPs- we've had a partner at some point.

I don't think I have it tougher than anyone else but my struggle will be different to some. I do get lonely even though I have great friends and family, when I'm ill I have to sort out the DC until I get help, the utilities, food shopping and paying/arranging/taxiing clubs are all me. Every dinner, homework, bath, bed is all me whether I want to or not I have to do it and then when they're all sorted I'm on my own. It really is the mental load and if you're not a SP but experience or feel the same as me, then that's not right.

I don't disagree, I think all parents need some kind of support!

Thats sad Jaques. Very sad, and very reflective of this OP frankly.

One thing that has occured to me when musing over this thread is something so fundamental which I have heard single DMs being very distressed over, hits at the heart of being alone, if DM dies. She has sole responsibility, and many of the breakups I've witnessed are with X's that do as mentioned upthread, take all the 'play time' with none of the responsibility and have issues paying maintenance, hiding money etc, which is a whole other level to deal with on top of being lone parent.

So, is this the person that DC should be with upon theoss of their DM, or when DM is sick, and DC can only go to foster, also a reality for many SMs posted upthread.

These are very grave decisions that a lone parent has to tussle with and wonder how on earth to resolve and just can't.

So they don't go to hospital, risk their own health, etc. These are the worst of situations of being a lone parent which as a part of a couple isn't a thing.

What's a babe formerbabe

Genuinely, what is a babe? An infant, baby?

What's your point?

Well she’s the one who has been part of a 2 parent partnership and now she’s doing it in her own and she says it’s harder. Surely this makes her the expert on the matter. I am sure it doesn’t help having friends who seek to judge her rather than understand her.

TimeForNewStart Why? Is it an insult to call someone babe? Or to ask why that label?

I feel weird referring to an adult woman poster on a thread for mothers as a babe. It feels weird to me, so I ask what does it mean to her, shes using the label?

Please explain your accusation of it being obnoxious as you're the one throwing insults about.

So they don't go to hospital, risk their own health, etc. These are the worst of situations of being a lone parent which as a part of a couple isn't a thing

Yes that's true and terrifying if they have no extended family who will help.

I have a partner but would think twice before seeking medical treatment that would mean I'd have to go to hospital for an extended stay, unless I had no other choice...yes, I have a partner, but if he doesn't work, we are screwed...so if he needed to take extensive time off if I was ill, we'd be in trouble.

Why didn't you answer. I thought my point was clear.

Its a direct question. Are you not comfortable with it? It's your name. Its not unusual for people to ask about others usernames and I've clarified again, despite being called an offensive term.

@Smotheroffive

It's totally irrelevant... people use all sorts of words in their usernames...there's a poster on this thread call blowandgo...Jacques is followed by hammer...why not enquire after their choice of username?

Most people will be able to decipher the meaning of my username.

@formerbabe you contradict yourself you said you'd love a weekend free implying the lady the OP speaks about has more free time than you, however you could have a whole weekend and leave your dp with your dc but you choose not to, something a single mum can't do!
I don't have any family support and have had to work pt to work around school hours, was ft when could use ft childcare. It's hard there's no doubt about it but if night upon night I knew it was just me then I know I would find that much more difficult than simply knowing there's someone to lean on. I do think single parents deserve a lot of support.

I work in DD's school, yes childcare wise it is easier but I travel to work with DD, for the first part of the day I look after her whilst working, then my class come in and DD goes to her class, at the end of school she comes to my classroom as my class leave, I then look after her whilst finishing up the days work, we travel home together and I do all the normal dinner, housework etc.

Between her getting up at 6.30am and DH getting home at 8pm the only time I have had without either her or another child is when I've been on the loo, and even then its 50/50 if a colleague is going to ask me stuff while I pee. When DH gets home I take the dog out just to get 20 minutes where no one talks to me, your friend can't even do that.

Add in if she's a teacher there is lots of working outside of school hours so she'll be doing that whilst looking after DC, if she's support staff the pay is really crap (usually about £9 an hour, term time) and there is often still a bit of working outside of school hours. Its not the worst set up ever but its also not as easy as it sounds.

So you can't answer then?

So what about JacquesHammer, blowandgo, et al.

I have considered many user names and sometimes I ask.

This time I feel.weird and asking someone whos called themselves that, why call yourself that?

Can't you answer?

however you could have a whole weekend and leave your dp with your dc but you choose not to, something a single mum can't do!

They can if they have an involved willing ex or grandparents who would be happy to babysit.

Of course, if they have neither of these, they are in an impossible situation.

Jacques is followed by hammer...why not enquire after their choice of username?

Family Guy. It’s from Family Guy.

I was married to a husband who pulled his weight.

I’m now a single parent but with an amicable relationship with my ex. He has DD 10 nights a month.

The latter is harder by a long shot. It should be permissible for someone to make comment on their own situation without people saying “oh but x would be worse”.

I think it could be very lonely. As others have said you don’t have the shared mental load. You don’t have someone there to cook you dinner after a long day or do bedtime because you just need 5 mins ‘space’. I wouldn’t judge. We have have different things which are difficult in our lives. I would really miss my children at the weekend and having family time.

Can't you answer?

I can but I won't because it's irrelevant.

If you're so offended by the word babe and can't bring yourself to use it, then just call me former

At the next Christmas or birthday time, make a donation to the poor in her name. If she complains, tell her that these are people much worse off than her.

It should be permissible for someone to make comment on their own situation without people saying “oh but x would be worse”.

Only if they don't talk about it constantly!

who are you to say how hard she finds it? It's all subjective. If you were really a close friend, you'd just provide her with the support she is asking for.

And agree, the hardest thing about being a SP is bearing all the responsibility yourself, having no one to share it with. Frankly someone taking the kids for a couple of days, doesn't replace someone sharing all the parenting. Keeping you company. Supporting you.

I find it so irritating when people start with competitive hardship.

@JacquesHammer I was on that thread under a different username and left it when it got like that. Some people seem to have this idea that those whose ex partners are decent involved fathers should be constantly thankful about how good they have it.

You see it all the time on threads about child maintenance where women are asking if their ex is paying enough. There's always the ones who say "you should be grateful you get anything at all, I get nothing."

I refuse to be slavishly grateful to my ex because he is doing what should be the norm and parenting his child.

Yanbu. I am a lone parent. I have zero support from ex, family or anyone else.

Your 'single parent' friend has it far easier than most single parents IME.