To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

Why does there need to be some kind of analysis on whether her life is hard enough? She says she finds things difficult so why not just accept how she feels and leave it there? She is your close friend, so I would just support her and not question things. Everyone is different and what one person finds hard is completely subjective.

She is not with the DC s father formerbabe

Why can you not understand this?

She has noone to share financial responsibility and the responsibility for the life of her dc with, in all the forms that takes, as well as the domestic load.

GPs are not there in the house, in her bed for close physical contact, available through the night for tue sickness, nightmares, toileting, contributing to financials, decision-making, oh and on and on.

These are people that can pop in ans help out here and there.

They do not share parental or domestic responsibility or anything else!

I agree OP. There is such a range of parenting, that I find it very annoying if a parent is vocally demanding sympathy just because they are a single parent or whatever.

I’ve been a single parent, and it was rough. I had no support and Ex was rubbish. Every weekend off is more than most, and I would argue she is then only seeing her kids every evening week day. It’s a strange one and I think can make a parent a bit disconnected.

I wonder how many people "would love a child free weekend" when the children's father is using them to play happy families with another woman?

You formerbabe would need to look into your own relationship, circumstances and choices as to why you feel worse off than a single parent

I don't feel worse off than a single parent.

I'm making the point that merely being a single parent doesn't necessarily mean parenting is more exhausting and intense than it is for a couple.

There are many factors at play including how much help the ex is, finances, extended family support, sn etc

She isn't a single parent though? They have a Dad who is involved as well.
Co - parenting?

I am a single parent who co-parents with my ex.

Those two definitions aren’t mutually exclusive.

I know what you mean formerbabe, as I don't think ALL single parents have it worse than ALL parents in a couple. But generally speaking, would you not agree that it would generally be harder as a SP?

You said “she isn’t a single parent” ergo you’re applying your definition to her, which is of course quite different from saying “I don’t believe I’m a single parent”.

And right before the she... I stated for me!

*foodname No one has pissed on my corn flakes, calling someone a martyr because they haven’t had time away from their children is incredibly rude.

formerbabe

I said this further up thread....but why keep trying to silence single parents? Why are we not allowed to discuss our experiences and how we feel and the frustrations we experience without someone who isn’t a single parent telling us we are wrong? By suggesting my life is difficult - because it is - I am not in any way suggesting your life couldn’t possibly be difficult as well. So why do you feel the need to keep piping up and belittling my experience?

I don't feel worse off than a single parent.

I'm making the point that merely being a single parent doesn't necessarily mean parenting is more exhausting and intense than it is for a couple.

I agree with this, I have a few friends and a few family members who are in the military and whose partners are deployed over seas for 6-9 months at a time and get no support (except financially) during those times.

There are many factors at play including how much help the ex is, finances, extended family support, sn etc

No there aren't.

There are people who pop in and out helping here and there.

The one KEY factor that makes the difference is having the other parent with you and the DC, because noone else performs the role of a parent inside the home.

You are ignoring this.

You have made some.most odd comments defending yet decrying your situation, making out its worse for you in your situation, yet claim to be so happy about this.

It really isn't adding up.

@Sotiredofthislife

I haven't said anything about your life or your experience. Of course many single parents have a really tough time...I'm not trying to silence you, that's ridiculous. The op described a person she knows and their life and I'm responding to that.

Sotiredofthislife

I don’t think formerbabe is, I think she’s saying just because someone’s a single parents doesn’t automatically mean it’s a hardship.

I think it’s individual circumstances and how each individual is as a person.

I don’t think anyone wants to silence anyone up, irregardless of their parenting status.

You have made some.most odd comments defending yet decrying your situation, making out its worse for you in your situation, yet claim to be so happy about this.

I mentioned earlier there's a difference between easier and happier.

I think the term ‘single parent’ should be more critically applied. I’ve seen multiple posters with DH’s in the military (away from home for months at a time) brutally told they ‘are not single parents’ by divorced parents with 50/50 custody 🤔

‘Single parent’ means you do 100% of the parenting on a FT basis for long periods/all of the time!

If you share custody but Ex has DC less than 50% of the time you are a ‘resident parent’ - this is still very hard but you do get regular ‘time off’ which truly ‘single parents’ don’t get!

If you share custody 50/50 - you are a ‘parent’ and not really much different at all to those parents who are married/in partnerships!

So just to clarify, single parents shouldn’t feel able to talk about how hard they’re finding something in case someone has it worse, but also shouldn’t call themselves single parents?

DisneyMadeMeDoIt

Are you a single/lone parent?

Anyway, my main point was that I think extended family is key...almost as important as being single/couple.

I mentioned my widowed friend...she's a hero. You never ever see her without her DC as there's no one.

I know another single mum (acquaintance rather than friend) with four dc and you see her DC with their grandmother more than with her. She gets heaps of free time.

That post wasn't about easier or happier at all.

Its about not being with the father of your DC. No matter who else is there to help or not.

There are very key factors that set a lone mother apart from someone who has a partner.

In the military example, that might perhaps be as close as it comes, but I have experience of this and women know whats on the cards when entering into it, and when it comes down to it, it can be a very lonely, but also very well supported life with other military wives, and the father is still alive and active in the home, providing a home and fathering when home, sharing responsibilities (often at a distance).

They also go into the relationship never knowing if their partner would be seriously harmed or killed, a decision, a choice, as it is for the military personnel themselves.

If you share custody 50/50 - you are a ‘parent’ and not really much different at all to those parents who are married/in partnerships!

And another one. Why do you get to define what a single parent is? All your comments are unacceptable but the above is particularly wrong. Someone parenting 50/50 with an ex is still responsible for their child on their time and is still responsible for covering all their costs and everything else. As such, they are a single parent. But please, do keep defining us since it seems to make you feel good.

But all those other people leave and go back to their own responsibilities formerbabe

Its not that shallow, nor is it about 'free time' either.

Oh well

I chose to live close to support for when i or the kids are sick.

@angrybird123 that's a pretty glib comment. Not everyone has "support" to live close to. And on a teacher's salary I'm not sure you could afford to pay for it either.

It sounds like in the OP the single parent keeps saying how she has it harder than everyone else, and that's what's rubbed OP up the wrong way. If she was saying it was really hard, that's different to saying "harder than you". Can hardly blame the OP for making the exact same comparison the single parent is (not that I think she's necessarily reached the right conclusion)

Smotheroffive

Notwithstanding the fact that for society stereotypes, “military wife” = heroine, “single parent” = scourge.

What's a babe formerbabe

Genuinely, what is a babe? An infant, baby?

I haven't said anything about your life or your experience

You are attempting to silence any single parent who just wants a moan about being a single parent. I don’t have a difficult life compared with many single parents but there are things in my life that happen as a direct result of my being a single parent that I sometimes need to discuss or vent about. Just because other aspects of my life are easy doesn’t mean I don’t need help or support in a given moment. Nor does it mean that a married person should pipe up that their life is hard too and how dare I suggest things are tough. Your lack of insight is staggering.

A few months ago, there was a support thread started ostensibly for single parents to chat.

It fast became obvious what was deemed acceptable in terms of single parenting, and became a desperately unkind thread.