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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

276 replies

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 04:29

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

OP posts:
NewName73 · 24/10/2019 13:56

We are lucky in this country to have a huge range of different restaurants/cafes/pubs/takeaways offering lots of different types of food generally at a high standard and at a huge range of prices.

My parents' generation did not have this, and going out for a meal was a treat enjoyed only on birthdays and anniversaries. Nowadays people feel entitled to eat out when they feel like it, and that's surely a good thing.

My point that we should choose where we go to eat according to our budget has been twisted into "restaurant apartheid" which I think is very unfair.

Just for saying that I think the cost of service should be counted in as well as food in meal - whether through a service charge or a tip.

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 13:58

@Butchyrestingface No the restaurant doesn’t add a service charge

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 14:02

No veal either!

Well, I can' t remember what I had (it was some 20 years ago). But it was bloody lovely and definitely not pizza! 🤣

Am looking at the online menu now. It must have been something cannelloni or lasagne (not quite as exciting as steak). Sad.

So maybe the MW worker thinks cannelloni at PE tastes better than cannelloni anywhere else?

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 14:03

@Butchyrestingface No the restaurant doesn’t add a service charge

In that particular situation, I personally would always leave a tip unless service was shite.

However, I'm not a MW worker and my position might change in those circumstances.

IfNot · 24/10/2019 14:06

Totally agree NewName . I used to eat in nice restaurants quite a bit, now if I want to eat out its at the local pub because I can't afford anywhere posher. It's hardly apartheid, it's just what my economic situation allows. (And yes, now and again I buy the barman a drink.) I'd be mortified to be as stingy as some of these people!

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 14:06

Well I think the cannelloni probably tastes better at the River Cafe than at Pizza Express, but I can't afford the River Cafe, so I go to Pizza Express. Where I'm not depriving a waiter/waitress of their service charge. That's not apartheid, just common sense.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 14:10

Where I'm not depriving a waiter/waitress of their service charge. That's not apartheid, just common sense.

You're not depriving them of something that they are automatically entitled to. It is CONVENTION to tip waiters, that is all. It is not convention to tip other min wage workers and they have no expectation of such. I don't understand why MW workers in restaurants should be seen as ENTITLED to tips any more than many other MW workers (who receive none).

Why one MW worker should base their decision of where to eat on the optional tipping of another MW worker who probably earns more than them through tips is beyond me. And yes, I consider it to be a form of social apartheid and putting people in their place.

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 14:10

If you aren't a MW worker, why are you making judgements on their behalf?

My DS has been a MW worker and he knows when he should leave a tip.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 14:10

rookiemere, it's was OP's friend who PAID, not the OP. OP was being treated/paid for.

I agree that the friend shouldn't be in a rush to offer hospitality again though.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 14:11

Well I think the cannelloni probably tastes better at the River Cafe than at Pizza Express

Great. But someone who likes the cannelloni at Pizza Express and can afford to pay for the listed food price should get to go there.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 14:12

If you aren't a MW worker, why are you making judgements on their behalf?

Because I have BEEN a MW worker many times in my life. I certainly made judgements on my own behalf then!

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 14:13

But as you acknowledge yourself, and as this thread so clearly illustrates, the system is confusing!

If your fictional MW worker wanted a curry instead of a cannelloni, would you suggest they deduct the service charge from the local Indian restaurant before paying the bill?

Both meals cost about the same.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 14:22

Oh, I see the bit about OP hosting friend to stay at hers for a few days, that's what you meant, sorry.

Zeldasmagicwand · 24/10/2019 14:29

It tells you a lot about someone who is mean to staff working in a service industry. I think your friend was unbelievably rude and obnoxious and I'd be very clear that I was judging them for it.

Aprillygirl · 24/10/2019 16:25

Obviously not confused my point which I presume wasn’t clear is don’t use the hourly rate as a justification for not tipping.
If you’re tightwad enough not to leave a tip just own it.

Tell you what you tip my child who works for minimum wage at a retail store and I'll tip your waiter son.

AgadorSpartacus · 24/10/2019 17:35

Grin Ok.
If that makes you feel better about not tipping then fine. Whatever squares it for you.

Idontwanttotalk · 24/10/2019 17:49

"A dumb move on her part but one borne of social awkwardness I think, not malice."
I don't think it was borne out of social awkwardness. Why woud she feel socially awkward if she'd already put a tip? Why would she feel it necessary to pick up both her and her friend's tip? I agree it wasn't malicious but it was really idiotic behaviour and, in taking it into her own hands, has shown that she is controlling.

Aprillygirl · 24/10/2019 17:58

grin Ok.
If that makes you feel better about not tipping then fine. Whatever squares it for you.

I take it that's a no deal then Sad
By the way I didn't say I don't tip. I do but only for exceptional service.

NailsNeedDoing · 24/10/2019 18:42

personally I don't think tipping is necessary in this country where we have minimum wage.

Would you not leave a tip if there was no service charge added to the bill?

I might choose to if I particularly liked the server, or I could see they were working especially hard, but equally, I may well not bother. It's not the obligation you seem to think it is, it's a personal choice made in recognition of good service.

RightOnTheEdge · 25/10/2019 10:07

I work as a barmaid/waitress and I'm fascinated by how weird people can be about tipping and what strong views people have.

I never expect a tip, I just see it as a really kind, nice thing for people to do if it happens.

As for Oh, and to the PP who said you shouldn't leave a tip if you are on minimum wage, I'd say, you shouldn't eat out if you can't afford it.

I'd hate to think that someone would be put off going out for a treat because they were worried about leaving a tip. Or would leave a tip if they are struggling with money.

Sorry, to answer the OP though your friend was BVU just because it wasn't a very funny joke.

Nearly47 · 25/10/2019 17:50

That was so mean. I will tip whatever I have as long is not only pennies. It makes a huge difference for waitress wages... I've been there in my student years. I don't tip on the card however because don't really trust restaurant owners to give the tip money to staff

cabingirl · 25/10/2019 17:57

It's 20% minimum for tips now in the USA

willowmelangell · 25/10/2019 18:03

Not funny. Not a joke. I always leave cash for the waiting staff.

KenzoBaby · 25/10/2019 18:09

You left the tip on the table for the wait staff and walked way. At that point, it became legally their money.

Friend picked it up = stealing from them. Exactly the same as if a passer-by picked it up and pocketed it. (which is why I always hand it directly to the staff)

Coyoacan · 25/10/2019 18:17

You left the money for the waiter/waitress, so when she picked it up she was stealing, IMHO.