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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

276 replies

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 04:29

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

OP posts:
rabbitwoman · 25/10/2019 22:00

I think it was a really mean thing to do. But if she's a good friend, and would not normally act like this, let it go. I am notorious amongst my pals for always being paranoid about making jokes that fall flat or are misjudged. But I am a kind, funny and reliable friend and if I do slip up, they forgive me ......

But threads on tipping always absolutely follow exactly the same formula. Some people tip and think that people who don't are tight and rude. Some people don't and say why should they? We don't tip nurses. But it's just a system that has come over from the USA and we don't have to tip waiters here because we have minimum wage laws. But waiters work so hard and are exhausted at the end of their shift. So are teachers. Repeat forever, on every thread I have ever read on tipping - surprisingly loads. Noone is really right or wrong. Sometimes I will tip. Sometimes I don't. When I eat out with pals sometimes they don't want to tip. But I will. Or vise versa. No big deal.

Wouldn't it be lovely if one day the government announced that tipping was no longer necessary, noone has to do it any more, and restaurants would just cover the staff wages from the cost of the food- maybe they need to change more to pay staff more to attract good staff and then service gets better all round?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/10/2019 22:04

Amen to that, rabbitwoman, I'd happily pay more for the menu knowing that waiting staff are being paid a fair wage for a fair day's work, just like everybody else.

I'd like to see NMW increased for everybody, not just waiting staff - and no more expectation of tipping anywhere. If somebody chooses to pay extra for the service they receive then fair enough, but not as the 'norm' any longer.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/10/2019 22:59

Is eating out especially cheap State side?

IME it's not so much that it's cheap IME - though it can be - rather that it tends to be pretty good value

Don't panic over the "40% tip is normal" though; as so often with these things, it has little to do with what actually happens and more with what the wait staff would like to happen Wink

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/10/2019 23:01

Sorry, too many "IME's" there!! Blush

caringcarer · 26/10/2019 00:17

I would not be inviting her to stay again.

threatmatrix · 26/10/2019 00:24

Stephminx
I’ll just let you know why your server gets tips. If they have regular customers they become their ear, listening to them drone on and on. Cleaning up the mess they have left on the table, removing nappies that customers put in bins, removing napkins that have had a nose blown into. Having people click their fingers at you, tug your arm when your carrying hot plates , dealing with their fads and allergies. Begging the chef to change a dish he has spent weeks creating. The list is endless.

BackforGood · 26/10/2019 00:39

I'm not a tipper, but I still think both your dh and your friend are incredibly weird in trying to dictate what you can or can't do with your own money.
Possibly your dh slightly less so as it could be considered family money, but your friend has absolutely no right to take the money from the table like that and should be ashamed.

Pretenditsaplan · 26/10/2019 01:39

It doesnt matter what on her views about tipping. You left money as a gift. She took that gift. Its theft. If she had of gone to a party where all the presents are left on a table would it not be theft if she decided to take a gift some one else had put there?

Catsinthecupboard · 26/10/2019 01:47

You did partly pay for your meal; she pickedup your money.

I would drop her as a friend. It wasn't funny and her actions hurt the waitstaff while benefiting her.

Basically, she was stealing. Not just a bad friend. But a bad person.

prawnsword · 26/10/2019 02:23

Wait staff have to put up with customers, humour them, accomodate all manners of requests, clean spills, get spoken to harshly if their meal is late etc...remember ever changing specials, a good waiter goes above & beyond & really cares about the patrons experience, ensures that they have a great night.

it’s a lot more mentally taxing than working the register at a check out, little conversation or expectations from customers to treat them like royalty.

Once you wait a couple of tables you realise how shocking The general public can be

Scott72 · 26/10/2019 02:56

I wouldn't tip unless I was in a country where is was required. Once tipping becomes widespread, you risk a system like America's developing which is both unfair and stupidly overcomplicated. If waiters aren't being compensated enough for their work, that shouldn't be the customer's concern.

Cantrememberpassword · 26/10/2019 03:09

She was not joking but winding you up, you seem to be a bit precious about tipping and really is not necessary in this country.

minesagin37 · 26/10/2019 03:54

Her actions were certainly not funny and she must have known it would piss you off as you had told her this already. Is she actually someone you class as a friend as I cannot picture any friend doing that to me?

phoenixrosehere · 26/10/2019 04:58

The tipping is not even the point and as it has been said countless times Tipping started in England and then the US adopted it. I swear some people just need to assume nearly everything they don't agree with these days came from the States.

Regardless if you agree with tipping or not surely it is very rude to take money given specifically for someone else.

Wonder what the views would be if a waiter wrote “I work at a restaurant and had served this table of two. They had left a tip and then one of them came back, picked it up and walked out. I’m not sure what to think. AIBU to ask would you do this and why?”

Joke or not, OP’s friend knowingly overrode her choice of tipping and took money meant for someone else. She could have just taken her own money or even joked that she had taken the money off and once seeing OP’s reaction told her she was kidding.

See countless threads on people telling others that you can’t dictate people on how they spend their money, yet this is acceptable for some because it was a “joke”. 🙄

prawnsword · 26/10/2019 05:19

When worked in a bar in Mayfair during the obligatory Aussie working holiday visa back in the day, people used to often buy a drink & day “and one for yourself” to shout you a drink. It must have been a fairly common custom because can recall becoming annoyed at this practice because I wanted the tip money for a bloody loaf of bread & milk! Never once got to shop at WAITROSE every penny counts! Not sure if this is still a thing.

cannockcandy · 26/10/2019 12:08

I wouldn't find your friends "joke" funny either but I would draw a line under the sand with it. Next time hand the money directly to the wait staff.
My partner is a chef and I've been a waitress and those tips can make a huge difference.
Mine, back in the day, rescued me from a dangerous relationship.
My partners have paid for all our sons big christmas presents this year and are going to pay for our food too.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 26/10/2019 13:21

it’s a lot more mentally taxing than working the register at a check out, little conversation or expectations from customers to treat them like royalty.

Having done both (and a number of other minimum wage jobs as well) I can tell you they are hard work but in different ways. Wait staff dont have the monopoly on difficult minimum wage jobs.

My partners have paid for all our sons big christmas presents this year and are going to pay for our food too.

I'm happy that you're able to use this tax free money or are you the rare exception who fills in a tax return for tips to pay for Christmas. But other minimum wage workers just have to use their day to day wage.

MissConductUS · 26/10/2019 17:52

Tipping started in England and then the US adopted it. I swear some people just need to assume nearly everything they don't agree with these days came from the States.

I've noticed this too. Source of all evil and all that. Grin

chrisie16 · 26/10/2019 19:31

Most waiting staff earn minimum wage and make up their wages from tips. I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's not funny, it's a form of bullying. And greedy. I have enough, but want more. You don't know every one's story. At least that person is working, not claiming benefits. People on here make me cross. Holier than thou, and apparently earning huge amounts. They have cleaners, gardeners,, etc. Try doing it yourself, just yourself, on minimum wage. And take away the tips.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 26/10/2019 19:41

At least that person is working, not claiming benefits. People on here make me cross. Holier than thou, and apparently earning huge amounts. They have cleaners, gardeners,, etc. Try doing it yourself, just yourself, on minimum wage. And take away the tips.

You dont know that they're not claiming benefits, in fact if they are on minimum wage and dont declare their tips (I've never encountered anyone that does and have known many people work in service as well as doing it myself) then they likely are claiming top up benefits. And many people on here do only earn minimum wage without any top up from tips, or at least have done in the past.

Sweetpea55 · 26/10/2019 19:49

She's got a weird sense of humour. That wasn't funny at all. If the service was good then it deserved a tip
She's a bitch

threatmatrix · 27/10/2019 09:28

I'm happy that you're able to use this tax free money or are you the rare exception who fills in a tax return for tips to pay for Christmas. But other minimum wage workers just have to use their day to day wage.

Most laces now pay the 20% tax thank you very much. You sound reall obnoxious

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 27/10/2019 10:21

Most laces now pay the 20% tax thank you very much. You sound reall obnoxious

Oh cool so I presume tips come in peoples wages then? With tax, national insurance and pension deductions (assuming the place offers a workplace pension) taken off. Or are people getting a separate pay slip for tips? Because up until 3 year ago (the last time I did some waiting on the side) you just got given an envelope of cash once a week when the tips had been divided.

Quitedrab · 27/10/2019 10:28

I put yanbu but actually I do think it's quite funny.

Durgasarrow · 27/10/2019 13:00

Of course it is stealing from the staff.