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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

276 replies

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 04:29

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

OP posts:
EdWinchester · 25/10/2019 18:24

What a silly woman. And a tight-wad too.

I always tip at least 15%, 20% in the US. I’ve been a waiter when I was a student - it’s bloody awful.

VK456 · 25/10/2019 18:28

Call me tight, but I stopped tipping a few years ago. I would consider it, though, if the service was exceptional.
Nobody tips me for doing my job.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/10/2019 18:31

"she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ "
Then she's a total dick.

And I also regard it as stealing. You left the money for the waiting staff, it was theirs and she took it. Stealing, no other word for it.

KennDodd · 25/10/2019 18:35

I hate tipping, although I always do tip. I find it demeaning to the staff, they shouldn't have to pick up spare change customers leave on the table they should be paid a living wage for their work and menu prices should reflect that.

cherish123 · 25/10/2019 18:36

I am not a fan of tipping but will do it when out with friends. I don't ever in a cafe or a pub. I don't generally when with family unless the service is excellent.

TypingoftheDead · 25/10/2019 18:37

I don't tip when I'm eating out by myself, but I do think it was rude of her to pick the money up you'd intended to leave as a tip.
I think you have to chalk this one up to experience, but I don't think you lack a sense of humour just because you got pissed off when someone basically took the choice to tip away from you.
The whole "you have no sense of humour" response when you're actually being shat upon and just reacting accordingly, really annoys me anyway.

escapade1234 · 25/10/2019 18:43

I find it demeaning too. I feel embarrassed leaving a tip, like I’m leaving them the crumbs from my meal. It’s so patronising.

escapade1234 · 25/10/2019 18:43

Also, it’s really not the hardest job in the world. I don’t know why people think of it as so menial.

MissConductUS · 25/10/2019 18:52

The practice seems to have been adopted from USA (I travel there a lot) but the servers there are on less than minimum /living wage and have to make their living from tips. But boy do they work for it when compared to waiting staff here

As PP pointed out, it's a practice that has existed in the UK but has evolved differently in the US. And say what you like about it, tipped service in the US is generally very good because of the economic incentive it creates.

I'm only adding to the thread to ask you to please follow the US custom in this when you visit here. Not only do the servers depend on it but they can be taxed on estimated tips as imputed income, so if you stiff them they may have to pay tax on money they didn't receive.

Sb74 · 25/10/2019 18:54

I think the issue is more about principle and that she deliberately did something that she knew would upset you be against your value system rather than what the act was. Not very funny at all. What an idiot.

nuxe1984 · 25/10/2019 18:58

I used to tip but don't now unless I get exceptional service. People have a minimum wage. We don't tip the person who serves us in shops (evencwhen they spend an hour finding shoes that fit children) so why anyone else?

I also refuse to pay an added on tip if it includes alcohol. If you're paying £20 odd pound for a bottle of wine why on earth should you pay 10/15% for somebody just to open it?

toxic44 · 25/10/2019 19:01

Do you need a friend who goes out of her way to do something to annoy you? Some friend.

bert3400 · 25/10/2019 19:03

It's effectively stealing. I would be furious and would question my friendship with this person.

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

B9ddy · 25/10/2019 19:29

Ask whether the tip goes to the person that serves you or is shared by all;
The chef made it all possible ...
Anyway you should have paid the fiver and she was being a cow

yadayadayesokay · 25/10/2019 20:16

@B9ddy I would have been more than happy to pay £5 but she volunteered cash towards it herself. I also would have been happy paying for my own meal which I believed was the plan when we arranged going out, but she insisted on treating me for hosting her.

OP posts:
FelicisNox · 25/10/2019 20:33

It was a joke. Maybe not that funny, but a joke none the less.

The only person I feel sorry for is the server but your friend was not trying to piss you off... it's her humour, nothing more.

I doubt she will do that again.

FontSnob · 25/10/2019 21:02

She was clearly trying to be funny by copying what your husband did. Maybe not your humour (or lots of other people’s) but the hyperbole on this thread is ridiculous. She wasn’t being malicious and if this makes you want to rethink your whole friendship with her then the issue probably goes beyond this one incident.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/10/2019 21:04

It's 20% minimum for tips now in the USA

Are you sure? Just about every American I've ever known calculates tips by doubling the sales tax; therefore it works out at about 15%, though they'll up it to 20% for something out of the ordinary

The exception to this is wait staff, who insist that 40% is "absolutely normal these days" ... I wonder why? Wink

Sb74 · 25/10/2019 21:13

I get that it’s her humour and it might have been funny to pick the money up to pretend to walk off with it but then put it back again before you left but to do what she did was going a bit far really. If you are good friends I’m sure you can laugh this off at a later time. One off things like this shouldn’t really affect a friendship in my opinion, it depends if you generally have issue with her behaviour? Otherwise just let it go. It was a stupid thing to do but it depends how much you value her friendship?

Butchyrestingface · 25/10/2019 21:16

The exception to this is wait staff, who insist that 40% is "absolutely normal these days" ... I wonder why? wink

40%??? 🤯🤯🤯

Is eating out especially cheap State side?

HalfManHalfLabrador · 25/10/2019 21:18

I’m not much of a tipper myself but what she did was uncalled for and not funny. I would never take somebody’s tip off the table as a ‘joke’ or otherwise even if I don’t often choose to tip myself

Perunatop · 25/10/2019 21:21

The big question with tipping is why people think they should tip restaurant staff but not other minimum wage workers in the many other jobs they work in.

winniestone37 · 25/10/2019 21:43

Erm grow up
Both of you this is ridiculous all round.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/10/2019 21:58

I would tip every time I have breakfast in a hotel actually, but the breakfast staff can't accept tips. It's always an exemplary service too - knocks spots off the lunchtime and evening waiting staff who just have an expectation but don't seem to meet the standards of breakfast staff.

That comes from 'customary tipping', it's expected, however mediocre the serice is. It gets on my nerves and it's so disparate.

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