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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

276 replies

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 04:29

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

OP posts:
JavaQ · 24/10/2019 11:34

Your friend was treating YOU to dinner so this would mean your FRIEND would leave a tip.
If you also put money down on top, you are making your friend look cheap...ie "your tip was not good enough/ you are stingy" etc.

I am amazed your pal was not pissed off. Count yourself lucky and get off your high horse

rookiemere · 24/10/2019 11:38

My BIL - who is from Yorkshire and doesn't tip - is off with us because we choose to do so. For years they have been pocketing our tips to make up their share of the meal costs until I spotted it, and once BIL started shouting at me for leaving money on the table. His own grown up DS's had to tell him to be quiet.

Regardless of your views on tipping, what your friend did was a dick move and simply not funny. I'd not be in a rush to offer hospitality to her again.

AgadorSpartacus · 24/10/2019 11:38

For those saying that the minimum wage earned by waiting staff is enough... no need to tip ... there are staff doing exactly the same same job at 17 as their colleagues much older, EXACTLY the same job and just as bloody hard but earning £4.35 an hour as opposed to others earning £8.21.
My DS17 comes home at 12.30am absolutely wrung out. He works 4 evening shifts a week in a local hotel and spa in the restaurant. So as well as seating, taking orders and bringing meals to tables he is also delivering room service. For £4.35 an hour. Now he’s accepted it is what it is and jobs are hard to come by so he appreciates the job but tips help. They do.
Regarding your friend however, what she did was absolutely wrong. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t clever and it went against what you believe to be the right thing to do. Crap friend really.

Aprillygirl · 24/10/2019 11:50

Yes we know that under 18's are used as cheap labour AgadorSpartacus but that doesn't apply just to waiting staff. I presume also that your son doesn't have a mortgage and bills to pay and kids to provide for?

JacquesHammer · 24/10/2019 12:02

who is from Yorkshire and doesn't tip

Why is where he's from relevant? It isn't a county pasttime in Yorkshire to avoid tipping!

AgadorSpartacus · 24/10/2019 12:10

Obviously not Confused my point which I presume wasn’t clear is don’t use the hourly rate as a justification for not tipping.
If you’re tightwad enough not to leave a tip just own it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/10/2019 12:10

if it's not clear that a service charge has been added, then I add a tip

Each to their own of course, but personally I'd ask if it wasn't clear before making a decision about tipping

Though even that probably wouldn't help; IME the usual response is "yes there's a service charge but the staff don't get any of it / the manager keeps it all"

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 12:16

I don’t agree with your attitude to tipping - which is fine, diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks - but the fact that you chose to have an involved dissection of it with a friend who was at that very moment treating you to dinner is 🙄 to me, I’m afraid. It strikes me as virtue signalling on speed.

Having said all that, WTF was she playing at?? 🤷‍♀️ I’d see her in an entirely different light after that performance, I think. I suspect she was offended by your attitude and this is her way of getting back at you. Which is all very well when you’re 5 years old but this is her behaviour towards someone who is kindly hosting her in her home.

What a twat.

Are you anxious about money or how you are perceived more generally, OP? Just a feeling I was picking up, could be wrong.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 12:19

Your friend was treating YOU to dinner so this would mean your FRIEND would leave a tip.

Yes, I agree with that. I think the friend was resentful and this was her response. The situation kinda smacks of an implication that OP thinks friend doesn’t know proper etiquette and OP needs to intercede for her. Who’s gonna like that? 🤷‍♀️

Still think friend is a twat though. Grin

64sNewName · 24/10/2019 12:27

Totally disagree that it’s rude or showing off to cover the tip if you’re being treated to a meal. This seems like a completely bizarre twisting of a standard pleasant gesture into something nasty. Just sounds like a way for non-tippers to protect their self-esteem by finding a reason to disapprove of tippers.

In my friendship group we’re all tippers so “playing lady bountiful” Hmm or whatever doesn’t come into it. If one person gets lunch then the other person might go “oh thanks, well at least let me cover the tip” and it’s absolutely just a well-intentioned helpfulness thing, and it’ll go the other way next time.

We’ve all worked in service jobs over the years and that’s why we all do it. I still did it when I had no money (I still sometimes have no money) - it’s factored in to the assessment of whether I can afford to go out.

Runningsmooth · 24/10/2019 12:27

I think she behaved badly but she also paid £58 for the pair of you to eat out and you have repaid her by implying she is tight. She was weird and you were rude. You should have just thanked her for taking you out.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 12:29

If one person gets lunch then the other person might go “oh thanks, well at least let me cover the tip” and it’s absolutely just a well-intentioned helpfulness thing, and it’ll go the other way next time.

That’s a different situation, I think. This OP was kindly hosting her pal in her home for a few days therefore I would expect the guest to cover the entirety of the cost of the meal (including any/no tip).

messolini9 · 24/10/2019 12:38

Your 'friend' is a smug cunt, & your DH an arrogant bastard for thinking he has the right to control exactly how much tip YOU wish to leave.

However, MN tends to the hysterically anti-tipping, so doubtless this thread will fill up with people saying they don't get tipped in their jobs so why should anyone else.

Your friend is a sly, manipulative game-player ain't she? Looking back, what other occasions has she used to engineer situations to needle you with, because she so obviously knows best? How often is she actually laughing AT people rather than with them?

Stealing someone else's tip is disgustingly low. It's exactly the same as helping yourself from their wallet. How the smug bitch finds it funny is beyond me.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 12:40

your DH an arrogant bastard for thinking he has the right to control exactly how much tip YOU wish to leave.

I missed that part in the OP. Agree with this.

DarlingNikita · 24/10/2019 12:48

Totally disagree that it’s rude or showing off to cover the tip if you’re being treated to a meal. This seems like a completely bizarre twisting of a standard pleasant gesture into something nasty.Agree with this. I wouldn't see it as 'rude' at all Hmm –I'd think (if I DID even notice/think about it!) that the tipper was just showing their appreciation for the service.

For years they have been pocketing our tips to make up their share of the meal costs until I spotted it That is disgusting, reprehensible behaviour. I hope you've pointed out to him exactly how much money they've stolen off you over the years doing this.

IfNot · 24/10/2019 12:56

Christ. Obvs your friend was being a dick.
Also, tipping is not patronising or acting like lady of the manor! It's MUCH more patronising to say "I only tip for excellence" or describe the waitstaff as "dancing for tips"Hmm Tipping IS traditional in the UK and should be treated as part of the cost of going out. You should routinely tip 8-10% for adequate service. You only don't tip if the service was bad, in which case you let the manager know what the problem was so they can address it.
I'm saying this as a veteran of many restaurants (both foh and kitchen)and as someone who used to eat out at least twice a week. I hardly eat out now because I can't afford to, but if I did the tip would be factored in as part of the cost. I don't see it as some big favour on my part.
Oh, and it usually follows that customers who don't tip are the biggest pains in the arse, treat the servers like crap and won't cocking leave when you are trying to close up!

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 12:59

Perhaps the OP could let us know whether service had been included in the bill or not? Because if so, a tip is unnecessary, but a nice gesture.

I do think it is nice to offer to cover the tip if someone else is treating you.

Some people still don't understand the conventions, so here goes again:

If I go to Pizza Express, they do not include a service charge on the bill, so I will always add a tip of 10 to 15%, usually in cash if possible.

If I go to my local Indian restaurant, they add a 12.5% service charge to the bill automatically, so I do not give them a tip. Although if I was paying in cash I might round it up if it's just a couple of quid.

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 13:00

Oh, and to the PP who said you shouldn't leave a tip if you are on minimum wage, I'd say, you shouldn't eat out if you can't afford it.

littlepaddypaws · 24/10/2019 13:06

i never tip but do not have a problem with people who do.

Butchyrestingface · 24/10/2019 13:08

Oh, and to the PP who said you shouldn't leave a tip if you are on minimum wage, I'd say, you shouldn't eat out if you can't afford it.

But they can afford to eat out. They just can't afford to leave an optional tip.

Are people on min wage supposed to wholesale abstain from any of the treats that other people get just because they can't leave an optional service charge for someone else who may actually earn more than them due to tips from those more wealthy customers?

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 13:08

Why don't you tip littlepaddypaws?

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 13:10

Butchy, it depends whether the tip is in lieu of service charge or not.

Paying either a service charge or a tip should be factored in as the cost of the meal.

No-one should be expected to pay both.

bailey999 · 24/10/2019 13:14

"Oh, and to the PP who said you shouldn't leave a tip if you are on minimum wage, I'd say, you shouldn't eat out if you can't afford it."

Seriously???

So take a single parent working as a cleaner in a block of public toilets on minimum wage, working bloody hard all day, NO TIPS. She MUST tip another minimum wage worker (waiter) who is undoubtedly working just as hard?, and if she cant afford to, then sorry kids, no special meal out to Pizza Express for you?

Out of interest, is the same waiter/ waitress expected to tip the cleaner of the public toilets when they use them on their way home from work? If not, why not?

LeftoverPizza · 24/10/2019 13:16

Your friend was very very unreasonable

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 13:17

I'd advise her to eat at Pizza Hut, which is cheaper than Pizza Express, if paying an extra £2.50 for the service element of a meal is deal-breaker for her.

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