Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

[yadayadayesokay]

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

You did almost leave 10% between you tbf, you were only about £1.50 out misses point of thread .

She was obviously trying to mock your DH, you said it pissed you off and she thought it would be funny. She spectacularly missed the mark of course but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

She's staying with you a few nights?

I'd go back to the restaurant with her and say "you might have seen my friend take your tip money, here it is".

And don't worry if it ends the friendship!

she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any.

SHE DID WHAT?!

I think this is disgusting! If she wanted to take back her share of the tip, that is up to her, the tight cow, but she had no right to take yours.

I always tip if service is good - usually 10%. I don't tip if service is poor, and in the case of poor service I would also argue against a service charge automatically applied (I think that is inappropriate anyway - how dare they tell me how much to give!).

Most serving staff are on low wages. Show that you've appreciated their effort. They are on their feet all night and have to cope with some nasty people (like your friend).

Or did you miss the bit where the OP said the friend insisted on paying as a thank you for her hospitality?

No I did not miss this. I am talking about an unconscious act i.e. she says one thing but does another. Just my guess.

Sorry, but a stunt like that would be unacceptable to me. I would go back to the restaurant and leave money for the serving staff. As importantly I would have a serious talk with the 'friend' about her 'joke'. There are obviously differences of opinion about tipping, she clearly does not wish to tip and that's not illegal. But it seems extremely bad manners in relation to your friendship to do something you'd discussed that she knew you wouldn't like. So what was she playing at?

Unless you could both find a way to talk about this in a manner that meant you both understood where the other was coming from and decided to forgive and forget, the poison has been placed in the friendship and over time it will wither.

People who don't tip when there is no service charge added to the bill are bad mannered and ignorant

Or maybe they're on minimum wage and can't afford to tip.

Yabu. Food’s so fucking expensive now when eating out, I don’t want to add an extra tenner on top of that to give to someone who is already being paid to do their job.

Don’t give me shit about them being on minimum wage either. Many shop workers are too and they don’t get tips.

Could it be that she was actually offended that she had offered to take you out for a meal and to pay for you, and you decided to add onto the tip. I think this may have been directed at you rather than the custom of tipping. If I paid for a meal and put down a tip and my guest felt the need to add money then they can pay their half of the meal aswell.

Slightly off topic. But the other day I was given a bill with a service charge on, but it annoyed me as it was one of those places you have to go and order all your food and drinks at the bar yourself. I feel like bringing a plate out and taking it back isn't really much of a service.

NewName "A TIP IS A SERVICE CHARGE.

IF THERE IS NO SERVICE CHARGE ADDED TO THE BILL YOU NEED TO TIP!"

But if there's no service charge added to the bill (which customers are usually advised about in advance for bookings over a certain number and can choose not to go there if they didn't agree with it) then surely tipping is discretionary not mandatory and as such if it's not on the bill you don't need to tip (although obviously it's very welcomed, polite, etc).

I tip sometimes. If I’m out with a large group we’ll normally split the bill and round it up to pay a tip. For example last week we had a meal, it was £14 each so we all paid £15, that kind of thing. I tend to round up things to the nearest £5 normally for a tip if I’m giving any. If we’re out for drinks and stay in the one place for a good while I’ll say to the bartender to take one for themselves.

Your friend did a wrong thing. I'm against tipping same as she is, but you're not and you wanted to leave a tip, so her taking your tip was obviously wrong.

I used to tip before, 'just because'. But I never understood it. So I come to a restaurant and pay for my meal/drinks. So they serve me, so what? IT'S THEIR JOB. Which they chose willingly, and they get paid for it. Don't like the money/work? Find another job. I'm paying for my order, subsidizing staff is not my problem/duty. Also, I don't want an 'above and beyond' service whatever that means. I read the menu, she/he takes my order and brings my food later. I don't want any small talk, any banter, recommendations - nothing more than the waiter bringing the food to my table. And I'm sure as hell not going to leave 10% off my bill for that.

Same goes for taxi drivers and the like. I don't understand the concept, why am I supposed to pay above the service charge just because they did their job. And yes, the old 'I don't tip nurses'. I don't. And they sure as hell do far far more than bringing the plate to my table. If anyone should be tipped - it's them.

Hairdressers earn more than I do and rarely do anything spectacular. Usually just 'so so'. I paid £120 for my last visit and it was barely ok. Sod the tipping.

I absolutely don't care what other people think of me. Couldn't be less bothered, if they think I'm mean and tightfisted. I'm generous with my family and friends, not some random stranger, who just happened to bring my plate to the table.

My son worked in hospitality for a few years. Sometimes front of house sometimes in the kitchen. He worked all hours, all public holidays with no enhancement on minimum wage. Both his employers were fair and divided all tips amoungst the team . It would have been better had he been paid a wage that reflected his antisocial hours but those tips made all the difference to his wage and his moral. So YANBU

You friend is very tight and mean,I'd tell her it was time to go home now.
Yes the staff are on NMW but most only work part time, serving twats like your mate.
I'd dump her, I would nt want to be around a person who showed such unkindness and tightness. What a bitch.

Your friend's 'joke' was crap, stipulated. That said, I really dislike tipping. I do it because that's the expectation but I don't want people dancing for my favours. I really dislike the whole dynamic; like, it's some hangover from the days of lords and peasants. I don't want to lord it over anyone!

I think businesses should charge enough money to cover paying a fair wage to its staff and that should be the end of it.

Koloh I agree. I do tip, but I don't like the feeling of "bestowing" extra upon someone like I'm lady of the manor. It feels outdated and patronising (but I still do tip as obviously the waiting staff would rather have the tip than be happy they weren't patronised by one!).

But it makes me feel uncomfortable, basically saying "I respect you as a professional and an equal who is doing a good and often hard job, always on your feet and dealing with rude idiots sometimes, but here's a little extra because I know you must be on the minimum wage and rely on tips [please note this is paraphrasing many PP who put forward the case for tipping, not my own attitude towards it] and I can afford to eat a meal here and sit and be being waited on whilst you have to be extra nice to me in hope of it." Urgh. The tipping system feels so patronising.

This is nothing to do with tipping or the amount of tips.
This is your friend needing to have control of a situation. She could not bear to leave things as they were.
Not only that but she put herself first in order because she had to be right and get the upper hand in the situation.
I suspect she is very controlling person. She did not do that to be funny. It was a power thing. She denied you a choice in the end.
She did it to exert control over you and unconsciously punish you for daring to have a different opinion to her.

Otherwise she could be really jealous of you for some reason.

I know some places share with the kitchen staff too, and I suppose they did the more skilled part of cooking the meal, but then they get paid more than the waiting staff, too.

Don't count on that... My DP is a very junior chef in job title (though he does exactly the same work and cooking as the more senior chefs) and is on min wage. He doesn't see any tips, either.

My 18 year old son waits tables full time. He says he never knew what hard work was until he started this - he used to think he was working hard when he was studying for A levels. He says this experience has massively affected how hard he will work at university when he goes. So having seen the change in him and how tiring it is, I will always tip well. I used to think it was no different to working in retail (which I did when I was a student) but it really is. And an 28 year old is earning something like £6.50 per hour, which isn't a lot for the amount of work involved.

I don't tip cab drivers though. I think they overcharge.

Could it be that she was actually offended that she had offered to take you out for a meal and to pay for you, and you decided to add onto the tip. I think this may have been directed at you rather than the custom of tipping. If I paid for a meal and put down a tip and my guest felt the need to add money then they can pay their half of the meal aswell.

By that logic, OP should have her pay for staying in her home for the rest of her stay since OP was offended by her actions, and rightly so.

Sorry 28 should say 18. Fat fingers!

What an asshole, I'd be really annoyed at that as well

I can't believe so many people don't tip! Every single one of my family and friends wouldn't dream of not tipping, and they range from students to very very well off!

I might tip if the service has been exemplary but generally it isn’t so I don’t.

She was wrong to do that though. None of my friends would dream of doing that. She’s a twat.

I waitressed for years, at one point after uni and whilst applying for jobs with career potential it was my full time job. Yes, tips are nice. They're not essential though. In some countries they are and you have to add a reasonable tip into the cost of the meal, but in the UK they are only ever an added bonus. I was never offended by people who didn't tip, just pleased when people did.

That said, your friend was a dick- the tip had been left, it wasn't hers to pocket. If you choose to tip it's not up to her to interfere with that.

I tend to tip waiting staff, juniors in the hairdressers (because apprentice wages are abominable), taxi drivers by rounding up, takeaway delivery people unless they are really late or otherwise crap, but I never feel obliged to.