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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

276 replies

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 04:29

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

OP posts:
Daffodil2018 · 24/10/2019 10:06

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of tipping, the fact that she deliberately did something you had already said annoyed you as a "joke" would be enough for me to draw back from this friendship.

Has she done anything like this before?

57Varieties · 24/10/2019 10:06

Regardless of one’s own views on tipping, your “friend” is an arsehole and a thief.

Celebelly · 24/10/2019 10:07

I've become a bit more relaxed about not tipping. It used to be I wouldn't go somewhere unless I had cash for the tip, but my DP said it was a bit ridiculous we had to make detours to get cash out (we live rurally) when we had the means to pay already and he was right, really. There are lots of people who are on minimum wage jobs so it feels a bit arbitrary to tip one group and not others.

I would always tip in a big group but when it's just me and DP and it's been a straightforward meal (we aren't demanding customers) then I'm not really too fussed if we don't nowadays.

Celebelly · 24/10/2019 10:07

Your friend is an idiot, though.

CookPassBabtridge · 24/10/2019 10:19

YANBU, you wanted to tip with your money so you should be allowed to do that. However I don’t tip myself, maybe a £1 each of having a group meal. I can’t afford to pay extra on top.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 10:19

OP, what your friend did was wrong - but what you did was worse. Your friend was paying the whole bill and your behaviour was utterly crass. Don't do it again. If you choose not to eat out with that friend again, so be it.

... and not like another poster said up thread, "I wouldn't eat out with them again - for a while". What's that nonsense all about? You either stick to your principle or you don't.

GabriellaMontez · 24/10/2019 10:28

My feelings on tipping are mixed but not really relevant. Her joke wasn't funny. Just a but rude.

Also can't believe someone tips their physio!!!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/10/2019 10:32

I wouldn't find it even remotely funny. Personally I don't routinely tip already adequately paid UK staff, but if someone does choose to give them something you don't then effectively steal it

At least, not unless you're a complete tosser

Chloe84 · 24/10/2019 10:37

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe what did OP do that was crass? Confused

SunshineAngel · 24/10/2019 10:43

Okay, so picking up the money wasn't funny.

BUT, it sounds like you have a bit of a bee in your bonnet about tipping. It is up to each person whether they wish to tip or not.

We are not in the USA, tipping is not mandatory.

We have a minimum wage for service staff, which is the same wage as supermarket workers, cleaners, office staff, and many more - whose services you probably use on a daily basis yet never think to tip.

Her "joke" wasn't funny, but you sound judgy about people who don't want to tip. You shouldn't be.

BlaueLagune · 24/10/2019 10:44

Waiting staff work incredibly hard to serve everyone ,get drinks /sauces etc and put up with lots of crap from people as well

But this applies to anyone in any kind of customer service role. Customers can be horrible and they have to take it. But they don't get tips.

BlaueLagune · 24/10/2019 10:45

Don't count on that... My DP is a very junior chef in job title (though he does exactly the same work and cooking as the more senior chefs) and is on min wage. He doesn't see any tips, either

Interesting I didn't realise that, I'd assumed you'd get paid more for actually being a chef! Fair enough on sharing tips then and sorry that your DP doesn't get any!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 10:51

Chloe84, OP's friend was hosting a meal (ie. paying for it), OP was a guest. OP's friend fulfilled her obligation and OP decided that friend had not and decided to play 'lady bountiful' at the expense of her generous friend.

I tip for excellence or where I have a particular personal relationship with someone who also provides a service. I would never dream of insulting a friend who was paying something for me, by 'stamping' my disapproval of that kindness by throwing down some coins.

OP's friend should find a more gracious dining partner and leave OP to be 'mortified' all by herself. Perhaps OP could run this scenario posted past her partner to see what his take on it is. She may get some insight (or maybe not)?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 10:53

Since when did 'getting a tip' make up for bad-tempered customers or having a bad day? How much money would make it acceptable then? Urgh.

DarlingNikita · 24/10/2019 10:54

She was silly and spiteful. If she doesn't like tipping that's fine (I don't, really, if I'm honest), but what the fuck is funny about taking tip money away? Hmm

I'd think a bit less of person who did that.

JacquesHammer · 24/10/2019 10:57

Lying - I see what you're saying but it doesn't sound like that's the reason from the way the friend handled it. The childish glee in "you're going to kill me" then suggesting it was a "joke" implies her reasons were not because she was irritated with what the OP did.

It would have been totally different had the friend removed the tip but explained why.

As it was she just looks unpleasant.

Chickychoccyegg · 24/10/2019 10:57

2 close friends of mine work in 2 different restaurants, the first 1 all tips get divided up equally between every person that works there daily including management.
The 2nd one is a head chef, tips are diveded up between all staff weekly apart from management/head chef who dont receive tips as on a higher wage.
I only tend to tip if ive had really good service, i certainly dont feel bad about not tipping everyone.

StarlingsInSummer · 24/10/2019 10:59

Her actions aren't even vaguely funny. What a dick.

BossAssBitch · 24/10/2019 11:05

Your 'friend' is a dick. I can't abide tight bastards who don't tip good service.

HungryForApples · 24/10/2019 11:06

I’ve never had a bad server in the USA

Lucky for you, I had some terrible service there recently... & of course we still had to tip 15%! I used to always tip but that's left me feeling very negative about tipping in general. It's supposed to be non-obligated - that's in the definition!

Also another recent mn thread on tipping made me realise that actually most people don't tip average service anymore, so I've decided not to either.

Anyway OP - what your friend did was a dick move and I'd have been annoyed too. Did she apologise?

Aprillygirl · 24/10/2019 11:13

Her 'joke' wasn't particularly funny, but I wouldn't get in a tizz about it. If you are in the UK the waiter/waitress isn't going to starve without your $2.50 Hmm

Notodontidae · 24/10/2019 11:14

What a lot of Twaddle, your friend pays for the meal, which means she plays the tune. If anything you are in the being ungrateful and discourteous for undermining her taking care of the bill. If you have that much money, you shouldn't have accepted her offer to pay. Many restaurants must declare tips and pay tax on it, others add a service charge, surely the safest way is not to tip, and to thank the staff for a delicious meal. YABU

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 11:22

Jacques, yes I see that but - and I'm making assumptions as I don't know what the OP is like in RL - having a right-on tipper who insists on imposing their will on you (general), must be exhausting and actually, really irritating.

Because it's not just OP's friend (who may actually be a great tipper?), it's OP's partner who does this too. I have friends who tip and friends who don't. Nobody comments, people put in tips if they want to and don't if they don't. No censure because it's nothing more than customary, if that.

What I mean is if you have somebody banging a drum at you for no good reason then they're opening themselves up to a spot of ridicule. This wasn't malicious (from how I read it), OP's got her dander up in righteous indignation and is making.a.point.dammit.

Birds of a feather flock together, that's very true and perhaps that's the way forward for the OP.

JacquesHammer · 24/10/2019 11:28

having a right-on tipper who insists on imposing their will on you (general), must be exhausting and actually, really irritating

Totally. To be honest I'd have just dealt with that rather than trying to be funny and missing the mark, you know?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2019 11:29

I would too, Jacques, taking the tip money just distracted totally from the point and put the friend in the wrong too.