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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

276 replies

yadayadayesokay · 24/10/2019 04:29

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 24/10/2019 08:15

Your friend thought she deserved the tip more than the waiting staff. She was probably having some mixed feelings about footing the whole bill and couldn't resist offsetting it by grabbing the tip.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 24/10/2019 08:15

All on minimum wage which is all too often far from a living wage, that should have read.

phoenixrosehere · 24/10/2019 08:16

*decide not to

KatyCarrCan · 24/10/2019 08:16

I agree with tipping and I'm from Scotland so I'm also surprised that PaulHollywood wasn't aware of tipping till they moved to London.
Anyway, it's not funny to steal from waiting staff but your friend told you about it so obviously did mean it as a joke. I wonder if you were a bit belligerent/dogmatic with your 'tipping' conversation and they were trying to lighten you up?
I always tip. I've never had to have a big discussion about the ethics of it when out with a friend so I can see how your friend might have found your approach very heavy-handed.

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 08:16

personally I don't think tipping is necessary in this country where we have minimum wage.

Would you not leave a tip if there was no service charge added to the bill?

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 08:17

A TIP IS A SERVICE CHARGE.

IF THERE IS NO SERVICE CHARGE ADDED TO THE BILL YOU NEED TO TIP!

dottiedodah · 24/10/2019 08:20

I would have been annoyed at this too TBH. I have never understood the mentality of people refusing to tip really .Surely if you can afford to eat out then a small token of appreciation is just politeness /Good manners ! Waiting staff work incredibly hard to serve everyone ,get drinks /sauces etc and put up with lots of crap from people as well .My daughter had a temporary job as a waitress ,in a 2 for £10 kind of place and was told by a customer that the plates were the "wrong shape"(square not round!)Takes humour and patience to serve !

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 24/10/2019 08:20

She was probably having some mixed feelings about footing the whole bill

I expect it was still substantially cheaper than the cost of paying for the hotel she would have needed had the OP not generously put her up in her own house, so if she were having these “mixed feelings” you seem to have projected upon her, she would be spectacularly tight and ungrateful. Or did you miss the bit where the OP said the friend insisted on paying as a thank you for her hospitality?

Chloe84 · 24/10/2019 08:21

@gingersausage

I honestly don’t understand the point of your post

The point of the post is very clear to me and about 80 other people. What is it you don’t understand? We can walk you through it.

dottiedodah · 24/10/2019 08:21

Not too different to taking a bottle of wine when eating at a friends ? No one would turn up empty handed to a chums !

RhiWrites · 24/10/2019 08:24

Mumsnet is weird about tipping. I would always tip at least 10% (in the UK).

I think your friend behaved astoundingly rudely. I’d send a gift card to the restaurant if it wasn’t convenient to drop in and give the tip I’d intended to leave.

misspiggy19 · 24/10/2019 08:25

@NewName73

You don’t have to tip. It is outdated and not needed in the UK.

escapade1234 · 24/10/2019 08:25

It’s a bizarre custom imported from the US - where it makes more sense. It doesn’t make sense in the UK but people watch so much Americans tv they think they’re starting in their own Netflix show.

Owners of restaurants are taking the piss to allow and encourage it in this country. Waiter/ressing standards are not very high and anyway we don’t really go in for being cheerfully monitored for the duration of the meal. There is a minimum wage for a reason.

Everyone colludes in it simply because they don’t want to look mean. There is no logic whatsoever.

diddl · 24/10/2019 08:26

"IF THERE IS NO SERVICE CHARGE ADDED TO THE BILL YOU NEED TO TIP!"

Says who?

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 24/10/2019 08:27

Does anyone know how it really works when the tip is taken from your card? I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid!

Thatnovembernight different places have different policies so if it’s not clear (some state what happens to any tips on the menu) you can always discreetly ask your waiter/waitress.

Minorityreports · 24/10/2019 08:29

I don't tip when there's a service charge (usually 12%).

I rarely tip anyway (can't really afford to!) but if I do it's for service above and beyond the standard.

Your friend was a thief.

billy1966 · 24/10/2019 08:30

Whether she agrees with tipping or not, is not the issue here.

She stole money you left as a tip from the restaurant staff.

I would be pissed off and yes it would definitely alter my opinion of this person.

Extremely crass.

In my mind she stole something that was not hers.

Big character failure.

milliefiori · 24/10/2019 08:30

What she did was horrible. Quite character revealing. i'd never leave less than £6 for a £58 meal.

KatyCarrCan · 24/10/2019 08:32

It’s a bizarre custom imported from the US
No it isn't. It dates back as far as Tudor England. Tipping existed as a custom in the UK long before it became standard in the US.

KatherineJaneway · 24/10/2019 08:33

You don’t have to tip. It is outdated and not needed in the UK.

Says who?

NearlyGranny · 24/10/2019 08:34

We always tip. We always did, but now it means more because we saw our own DC slog away in pubs and restaurants and hotels during uni holidays. We picked them up shattered and saw them throw out their wrecked, rancid, sweaty shoes at the end of a season. We saw the difference tips made, and the difference a polite or kind word from an appreciative customer made.

I never worked in hospitality myself - my holiday earner as a student was teaching swimming classes - and I had no idea how demanding it was until I saw my DC doing it. Your friend should work a few shifts. She'd never steal a tip again. Because that's what she did.

Smelborp · 24/10/2019 08:39

Regardless of the politics of tipping, you had explained to her that something upsets you, she did it, stealing from you / the waitress in the process.

Of course you should be upset by that. I would hope that she would do something to make it up.

CalamityJune · 24/10/2019 08:42

She shouldn't have done that as it was your money.

I won't go on at length as I have contributed to tipping threads in the past but no, I do not agree with tipping in the UK. People should be paid a fair wage and this should be reflected in the price charged. Many, many people work incredibly hard on minimum wage but are not customer facing.

Cherrysoup · 24/10/2019 08:50

No right to take your tip back, that's so weird. Tightarse.

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 08:51

@diddl
@misspiggy19

People who don't tip when there is no service charge added to the bill are bad mannered and ignorant, in my view -as this is the widely accepted custom, and has been for some time:

www.tripsavvy.com/when-is-tipping-expected-1662410

"If there's no service charge, tipping at 10 percent is the standard."

Unless you feel you have received terrible service, then of course you should not tip.