Tipping. Don’t find my friends ‘joke’ funny, AIBU

[yadayadayesokay]

A friend of mine who lives far away has come to stay with me for a few nights. We went out for a meal together last night (which she insisted on paying for at the end as a thanks for hosting her, if that has any relevance).

When we sat down I had a brief panic, thinking that I didn’t have any cash to pay for a tip at the end of the meal and rummaged through my handbag. She said not to worry as she had cash, but it turns out I had enough anyway.

We then had a conversation about tipping and she told me that she very rarely does and I was surprised, and told her I always pay at least 10% and would feel embarrassed not to. I also told her that my partner and I usually end up arguing about tipping because he is against it and when I put money down he has in the past picked some back up, saying that it’s too much. I told her this really pisses me off and embarrasses me.

Anyway when the bill comes she hands over £2 for the tip and I go to put mine down too, she raises her eyebrows and says something about it being a lot as I’m counting pound coins to put it down, so I feel pressured to match her and only put £2.50 down, the meal was £58 so this is less than I would like to tip. The service was good.

Sometime later when we are almost back to the car she says ‘you’re going to kill me’ and laughs, telling me that she picked up the tip money so we didn’t leave any. I obviously didn’t look impressed and she said she did it to annoy me and to ‘be funny’ and offered me my money back. I said I don’t want it, it was intended for the person who served us. She asked me if I was pissed off and I said yes.

The atmosphere on the way home was a bit awkward but I tried my best to just ignore what had happened and talk about other things, but I got the feeling she thought I was being humourless and there was definitely an atmosphere afterwards. AIBU to not see any humour in what she did?

If A and B are at a table and A puts down a tip and B picks it up again, it’s not “stealing from the staff”. It may or may not be a dick move, depending on the circumstances, but it’s not stealing. It might be a case of B stealing from A (not the case here, as she tried to give it to you back).

No, the tip was given to the waiting staff by A for a tip, so it no longer belongs to A, it belongs to the waiting staff. If B picks it up, she is stealing the tip from the waiting staff.

Doesn't matter what she or anyone else thinks. You like to tip. So that's nobody's business but yours. She was wrong to do that.

Her 'joke' was crass. Either give the staff the money or don't. I refuse to tip because I will already have spent a ton of money in their restaurant so...

Not funny, not in any way a joke. If she didn't want to tip she didn't have to, but she didn't have to stop you tipping or make the pretence of leaving a tip just to snatch it back. I work in service and while I don't expect tips, it is nice to have a show of appreciation. I'm on less than the London living wage, tips do make a difference to my (and my colleagues) quality of life, even if it's only £25 a week. Thankfully where I work is implementing a 12.5% service charge.

I think it was a poor attempt at a joke because your husband does the same. I couldn’t get worked up about it though. I only tip if the service is really good (which isn’t very often around my neck of the woods). And a lot of the time it goes to other staff too, I want to tip a specific person not anybody else! So I am very reluctant to do so!

We don’t tip at restaurants as a rule. The staff are paid to take the order, bring it to the table and check on us at least once. If they do that, they’re just doing their job. I fail to see why we should tip them.

It was a bit of a dick move.

I dont tip as standard because I dont understand why we should be tipping for doing the bare minimum required. I also know that it very often is getting split with much higher paid kitchen staff (bil is a chef and has always had a tip share wherever he worked).

I think that as she paid for the meal it was up to her to decide whether to tip or not, so she could have felt slightly offended that you insisted on tipping. That might be why she took back the tip money.

Otherwise I feel give a tip if you like and I sometimes tip if I feel it is deserved. But not a blanket 10%. Sometimes more sometimes less. We have friends that always tip exactly 10%. I don't think it should be expected.

Im in 2 minds about tipping as well. You werent in america. Lots of people earn minimum wage and scrape by. And when they go out, feel obligated to tip.

More people eho refuse to tip tye better. Sorry!

@Thatnovembernight if the tip goes on card it’s normally split between all the staff.

@yadayadayesokay I wouldn’t have got in the car with her after that, I also wouldn’t be eating out with her for a while.

That was a horrible thing to do to YOU

She hasn’t done it to the waitress or restaurant...shes done it to YOU

I have friends that dont tip...i dont tip everywhere....but if they dont want to tip that’s absolutely fine. They dont have the right to take MY money off the table after ive tipoed

The people who dont tip in restaurants - are there services you do tip for? And as for the 'youre not in usa' argument - have you ever waited tables in the uk? Cos i can tell you from experience they ain't getting paid alot.

People don't seem to understand how tipping should work in restaurants.

If the restaurant adds a service charge to the bill, normally 10 - 12.5%, you do not need to add a tip as well - the service charge is supposed to cover that.

If there is no service charge then you should tip at least 10%.

I always check the bill carefully, and if it's not clear that a service charge has been added, then I add a tip.

God bad enough being a non tipper but stealing your tip! Tbh would make me rethink the friendship

I dont think this should be a tipping debate. It doesnt matter what people on here think about tipping. She knew how you felt about it and you made it quite clear how strongly you felt, so in light of that it was an extremely odd thing to do, and she knew it would piss you off hence the 'you're going to kill me' comment. Whether she believes in tipping or not it's a really odd thing to do to decide you're not going to let the other person leave a tip if they want to

@00100001 - The staff are paid to take the order, bring it to the table and check on us at least once. If they do that, they’re just doing their job. I fail to see why we should tip them.
Some waiting staff do their job particularly well. They approach at the right time, they are unobtrusive, they don't make you feel rushed (even if the restaurant needs/wants the table back for other customers), they are polite and don't look disinterested in their work. They get a tip.
Other waiting staff look like I'm taking up their dossing time, or socialising time and I'm an inconvenience to them. They would still get a tip but a much smaller one (to drive home the point) or if they are really bad at their job no tip and a quiet word with the Maitre D.

They are all just doing their job.

It's not funny, she's being tight.

She was a cow to do that.

I also know that it very often is getting split with much higher paid kitchen staff (bil is a chef and has always had a tip share wherever he worked).

This can be true but although they are higher paid, they can work such long hours (it's not uncommon to work 70-80 hours a week over split shifts etc) that actually when you work it out they are on around minimum wage. I know a couple of chefs of fairly high end restaurants that joke they would be much better off working the same number of hours in McDonalds. So I don't mind tipping all the staff

I have to confess I'd feel differently about her. Not because she didn't tip, as that's a choice, but because she took away your choice and thought her opinion was more important than yours. Doing so in a passive aggressive way by saying it was a joke makes it even worse.

Does she undermine you in other ways OP?

People's behaviour in restaurants can really reveal a lot about them. I stopped socialising with an acquaintance who refused to tell the waiting staff that they'd forgotten to charge for the wine (an independent place not a chain). It just changed how I thought about her, as we were all well off not impoverished students (and even then...).

She's not being tight if she's paying for both of you to have a meal, but her joke was not even remotely amusing. It's a weird thing for her to do. But on the other hand, you seem quite uptight about tipping, £4.50 would have been plenty, regardless of the price of the food you ordered.

The 10% thing makes no sense to me at all, and personally I don't think tipping is necessary in this country where we have minimum wage.

Essentially your friend stole the money. There's nothing funny about that.

that wasn't at all funny, and as a minimum she stole the £2.50 that you had chosen to give to the waiting staff so that is sick and horrible. I wouldn't want to be friends with such a person.

I don’t equate waiting tables with retail work so I don’t think the argument “you don’t tip in retail outlets so why would you tip in restaurants?” holds water. In most shops, the person is behind the till/checkout and waits for you to come to them. The interaction is likely over in a few minutes at most. I liken that more to being served at a bar (where I don’t tip) or a Costa-style coffee shop (ditto).

But wait staff in a place with table service...they show you to your table, they take your drinks order, they may pour your drinks themselves if there is no separate bartender, they make a note of any all-important allergy information and ensure that’s passed to the kitchen, they might make recommendations based on their knowledge of the menu, they take your order, bring your food and drinks potentially multiple times if more than one course is involved, and their attitude and attentiveness (or otherwise!) will play a big part in how enjoyable your evening turns out to be. And all on minimum wage, most likely. So yes, I absolutely am going to tip unless they’ve been actively rude or unhelpful.

YANBU.

You chose to tip and she didn’t want to so there was no reason for her to take YOUR money off the table knowing your views on it. That’s rude. Doesn’t matter if you’re in the UK or the USA. Taking money off a table that is not meant for you without the giver’s permission is not only rude, but disrespectful.

OP chooses to tip and she is allowed to do so regardless if others decide or disagree with it not. I eyeroll people like this who do this as a joke. I can’t imagine having the audacity of taking someone’s money off the table knowing it was meant for someone else and call it a joke. She could have just taken her money and left it there knowing how you felt. It was £5. Ridiculous.