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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 20:47

OP lovingly prepared the meal, she should be the one to serve the meal, to decide when she wants to serve the meal, and it would be gracious to let OP take the first piece and the first taste.

This sort of formality surrounding mealtimes makes me very uncomfortable.

1066vegan · 23/10/2019 20:48

I'm really struggling to see what is so rude about this.

He was hungry, found the cooked lasagne and ate some. He didn't take you for granted; he told you that it was delicious. He wasn't going to bugger off and leave you to eat on your own because he'd eaten; he was still planning on sitting down to eat with you, but mostly eat the sides.

Big fuss over nothing.

I wouldn't be bothered if dp did this and he wouldn't be bothered if I did it when he cooked.

Teacakeandalatte · 23/10/2019 20:49

It's an Aldi value microwave Lasagne for him next time and have him eat it straight from the pack standing in the kitchen since that's what he seems to prefer, it will save loads of work.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 23/10/2019 20:49

Also adults can't just eat when they want, and the OPs husband was not starving. I didn't get my lunch at work today until 2:30 because court ran late, should I just have perched with a sandwich in the midst of the hearing and told the judge as an adult I'll eat when I please? FFS.

Beautiful3 · 23/10/2019 20:50

I would have just served it up early. No big deal really.

madcatladyforever · 23/10/2019 20:51

My ex husband used to come in, dig in like that and eat it standing up, that's what really gave me the rage. Couldn't even be bothered to go and sit down then chuck the plate in the sink and walk off without even saying thank you.
And people (a person) think I'm being funny because I don't want another man in the house.
None of my female friends behave like that.

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/10/2019 20:51

I don't think yabu, but when I posted about my now ex H , not coming to eat dinner until 30 - 60 minutes after it was cooked, I was told I was and was trying to control an adult, he can eat when he likes, why do you care etc. So it was many people have VERY different idea over whether this sort of thing matters. It does to me.

FuckyNel · 23/10/2019 20:53

Carb on carb! Yabu for that alone

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 23/10/2019 20:54

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook That’s not even remotely comparable, thats work not home Hmm

I leave the house at 8am and don’t get back till 6pm, I never eat breakfast as my medications make me nauseous, lunch is usually something small eaten whilst running between lectures or not at all when I’m in the lab all day, if DH told me to wait an extra 45 mins and have a banana when I’m “starving” I would be fucking furious at being spoken to like a child.

But he’s not a dick and dinner is almost always done by the time I’m home and we and the DC sit together and eat.

catsmother · 23/10/2019 20:54

Maybe the OP wanted her dinner when she first got in, but she couldn't because no one cooked it for her, she had a baby to look after and feed, a meal for adults to prepare then a baby to get to bed, while her lovely husband swans in takes a shovel full of lasagne and sits to eat, putting himself immediately first and ignoring what actually needed doing, whereas the OP has come in and cracked on with the drudgery rather than just doing what suited her. I would feel resentful too OP.

Spot on with this!!

waterrat · 23/10/2019 20:55

Oh come on of course its incredibly rude.

can't believe anyone here in real life would not be f ing pissed off by this. You don't grab a nicely cooked dinner as though it's a snack - you wait for the person who cooked it to sit down with you.

I'm very very slack with manners and eating and food manners generally but this is ludicrously rude and just really mean on the chef.

tigger001 · 23/10/2019 20:55

If he was really hungry, I don't see it as a major problem, He was still going to sit down to eat with you after, we do have a nice routine but if my DH was hungry I wouldn't mind if he ate.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 20:56

I didn't get my lunch at work today until 2:30 because court ran late, should I just have perched with a sandwich in the midst of the hearing and told the judge as an adult I'll eat when I please? FFS.

Work isn’t home. You shouldn’t be so hidebound at home that you can’t bring forward the time of your own evening meal.

ElizaDee · 23/10/2019 20:56

He was starving??

What if op was starving? She was the one that went to work, cooked for & fed the baby, cooked a lasagna and put the baby to bed.

He's a rude bastard and that wouldn't wash in my house.

HelloAgainYou · 23/10/2019 20:57

It's so bloody rude and this type of behaviour gets my goat. You eat when everyone is ready to eat, not when it's convenient for you. Unless you're ACTUALLY starving there's no need to drop manners. However I would recommend eating as a family, ie including your 13mo because otherwise they won't learn!

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2019 20:58

So OP cooks the meal. Is fairly hungry but has things to do first.

Puts baby to bed and husband has started on the meal she cooked.

I think he's rude.

ChilledBee · 23/10/2019 20:58

Yes I agree @ChilledBee but at 13 months old, I really am not worried about instilling that just yet. He's barely on solids

Start as you mean to go on. Now is the perfect time to demonstrate good behaviour at dinner times if you want one of those kids you can take somewhere other than Nandos.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 21:00

The OP does make it clear in her post that she "told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something" She wasn't depriving him or forbidding her DH to eat.

how flipping patronising is that.

Unless we have a massive drip feed, and it was their anniversary and it was a celebration dinner..., come on. WHO comes home hungry - for whatever reason - and wait to eat in front of the tv no less, because there's a strict schedule Hmm

Most of the irate posters would be even more irate if the thread was:

I cooked a lovely dinner, my DH was hungry when he came home so pigged a banana, some toast and stuff he found in the fridge 45 minutes before eating dinner that was already ready and cooling down in the kitchen.

ShadowOnTheSun · 23/10/2019 21:00

There was a thread few days ago. Husband buys treats for both his wife and him, puts it in the cupboard and gets annoyed if she eats it when she wants to. In his opinion, she needs to ASK him if she can eat it, as he prefers to eat the treats together. The responses? 'Controlling dickhead, abusive arsehole, gaslighter, twat, cunt, leave him!' (and quite rightly so!).

Now husband comes home starving from work. There's food ready. Yet he's told to wait for 45 mins for whatever reason. Responses? 'Dickhead, cunt, twat, rude, annoying asshole, no manners, leave him!'. Um.

Just tell him to take care of his own food and cook for himself or sort out a sandwich/takeaway, so poor adult man can eat when he's hungry and not when you decide to. He's right, you're controlling. If I'd be the husband, I'd cook dinner myself and leave it for 4 hours, not letting you touch it. You can eat a banana, surely? Just because I say so/decided to.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 21:01

You eat when everyone is ready to eat, not when it's convenient for you.

That might mean 10pm some evening in my house, doesn't sound terribly reasonable....

DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2019 21:02

I can't believe how many people think this is ok Hmm.

To re-cap, dinner was scheduled (and would have been ready) for the normal time of eating in that household. The meal wasn't ready when he came home, just an element of it was.

She's been at work too but come home to look after the baby and feed the family. Basically looking after everyone else's needs. He waltzed in from work and decided to look after himself and piss all over her efforts.

Hypothetically:

Let's say the OP was cooking Sunday dinner that's usually served at 5.30pm. The chicken is cooked and being rested. The roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and veg are in the process of being cooked and will be ready on schedule.

OP has been looking after the baby and DH comes home after being out with friends at 4.45pm saying he's hungry. He's offered a snack as Sunday dinner will be ready (again as expected) in 45 mins.

OP leaves the kitchen for 5 mins and comes back to find her DH has eaten a third of the chicken - unprepared to wait less than an hour for food at a time he knew it would be ready.

He thinks this is fine and he'll just have the veg and Yorkshire puddings rather than the nice "full" dinner the OP has been preparing for well over an hour.

Is this fine? If not why is it different?

Frankly, if someone goes to the trouble of cooking you a meal have the grace to eat it as intended and with them rather than as a series of "snacks" that negate the effort that someone's put into it, especially when that person has demonstrably been working harder than you by not just looking after themselves but everyone else in the household.

Zebraaa · 23/10/2019 21:04

Exactly @ShadowOnTheSun

seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 21:04

Is this fine? If not why is it different?

A bowl of lasagne is a meal. Salad is a side dish. Tearing up the chicken is just odd, but this is just him eating his dinner early.

This would bother me if it happened all the time, but if my DH was really hungry once or twice it wouldn’t.

JenniferM1989 · 23/10/2019 21:05

You never said you see her in the mornings or that you work from home either. So some nights you're in at 7:15pm and she's already in bed and understandably won't change her bedtime because you see her plenty of other times. However, the OP suggests her husband is in at 6:30pm each night. I just don't get why anyone would make a bedtime at 6:30pm so the child doesn't see one parent at all really through the week. I don't get it. To then say this is to allow peace and wine with dinner... it kind of makes me a little uneasy and I do think it's selfish. My husband would never want me putting our son to bed early and never seeing him on week nights so that we could eat our dinner 'without disruption' and drink wine! It sounds so crap to be honest

managedmis · 23/10/2019 21:05

Lasagne and wedges? Just have the lasagne, surely? Especially if you're hungry and the lasagne is ready?

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