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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
DappledThings · 24/10/2019 09:23

@ChilledBee Would you think it was ok to help yourself if you arrived at a friend's house and they had cooked for you?

I don't think it's any different. If one person has cooked then the normal expectation would be for that meal to then be served to all parties as soon as possible. Which in this case was after the baby had gone to bed and when it had been finished.

I hardly do any of the cooking in our house, DH does all of it but if I helped myself while he was putting the baby to bed or vice versa we would both find it really rude and frankly weird of the other to not just wait like a grown-up.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 09:24

@ChilledBee he asks for my help. He asks me to make hearty meals that are carb and protein heavy so that he doesn't get hungry at night. He asks if we can eat a bit later so that he doesn't get hungry at night. None of this ever seems to deter him. But like you say, his body, his organs. I deserve it because I chose to be with him...

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2019 09:25

20 STONE?

Well unless he's about seven feet tall then he is obese already according to BMI - I know that's not a perfect measuring tool but you say yourself he's hardly a fit prop forward - so your DH is way, way overweight already.

Maybe this will prompt a more serious conversation.

What he did last night isn't normal. He knew that a nice, large, filling meal was on the way. He couldn't control his food addict impuse for half an hour - he needed to stuff, stuff, stuff right there and then.

He needs to address it now, yes he absolutely will end up with diabetes.

Put his stats into the NHS bmi thingy and show him.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:25

Depends on the friend. Usually no but that's because it isn't my house/food/partner rather than because I think it is a terrible thing to do. Their partners certainly would though.

ThatMuppetShow · 24/10/2019 09:27

Good grief, so much drama!

Can you try to step away from the 50s perfect wifey who is precious about the meal she lovingly cooked and has to arrive perfect on the table? It's a lasagna for crying out loud.

No need to pretend the rest of us are all slobs eating in front of the tv, nice try, but unclench a bit, and who cares if a slice is eaten before dinner, it doesn't stop anyone to sit down and enjoy a meal together after.

Your DH has an eating problem? Not sure how telling him to stuff himself with snacks is in any way helpful. Book an appointment with a nutritionist, and get info on healthy food that will feel him up. I do like lasagna, but it hardly counts as a healthy dish, does it.

Getting all worked up about someone not following YOUR very odd rules is clearly not helping him. Get some proper help, I doubt nagging is helping.

CarolDanvers · 24/10/2019 09:29

If it helps you can think of it as an undecorated cake still waiting for icing*

Well that isn't what you said. You said layers waiting for other layers to be added. Again entirely different.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 09:30

It may be that he is just getting bad advice on controlling his food intake, OP. With alcoholism, it’s different - none of us need alcohol and the only response to problem drinking is to stop. That will have only positive effects, so in a way, it’s very simple.

But with food, he does need food, and food is good for him in the correct amounts.

But here’s the difficulty: denying himself food will give him highs and lows, and make him more susceptible to binge eating, not less. It would be better (in my view - not a dietician) for him to have a small meal as soon as he comes in (something like pasta/gnocchi/chicken and cous cous, with balanced protein, carbs and veg) and then have a substantial but healthy snack before bed as well. This will help manage his blood sugar and hunger.

At the moment his body is big (20 stone is big for anyone under 6’5” in my opinion) and needs more calories than yours. Guilt around food and feeling as though, by eating, he is somehow disrespecting you and letting you down, will make this worse, not better.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 24/10/2019 09:31

OP, I have to say, like a percentage on here. This wouldn't bother me. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't bother you. What would really annoy me is if I had made a dinner from scratch and then the people I had made it for cake in and started snacking before having it. I'd hope they'd have the dinner and appreciate it, which it seems he did.

Your expectations around this dinner were different to his. If he has an issue with food, then he has an issue with food that maybe he needs to get help with. But then, this thread isn't really about a portion of lasagne, is it?

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:32

He knew a large meal was on the way so he ate it rather than having toast and bananas and then the big meal. And he didnt stuff anything, he ate his dinner. Seriously women. This isn't healthy

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 24/10/2019 09:33

Came in, not cake in!!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 24/10/2019 09:36

And.. The $64,000 question in AIBU. Why ask for opinions if you honestly 100% believe you are not being unreasonable?

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 09:37

He knew a large meal was on the way so he ate it rather than having toast and bananas and then the big meal.

He knew a large meal was on the way so he ate it rather than waiting a short amount of time during which he could have been spending time with his child and doing the bedtime routine so dinner could be finished earlier.

This isn't healthy I agree, his attitude isnt healthy.

k1233 · 24/10/2019 09:37

To feel fuller longer you need fibre ie fruit and veges.

This might be a helpful read

www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/how-feel-fuller-longer

ClaudiaNaughton · 24/10/2019 09:39

OP I imagine it smelt absolutely gorgeous when he arrived home.. lucky man.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 24/10/2019 09:39

I would be pissed off too. He was rude.

LittleGreenRobot · 24/10/2019 09:47

It sounds to me like you work your socks off for a man that shows you no respect.

You work hard all day, come home and cook for him, look after baby, get baby fed and into bed, and then when you are ready to sit and eat with your husband (who has done sod all to help), he's already and probably gone and plonked himself in front of the TV to relax.

I would be v v upset if I had a husband like that.

Why are you with him OP? Does he ever help cook? Or ever help with the DC?

LittleGreenRobot · 24/10/2019 09:48

'already eaten and ...' - sorry missed out a word!

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 09:48

Well that isn't what you said. You said layers waiting for other layers to be added. Again entirely different.

You have my permission to think of it as whatever kind of cake you like, with however many layers you like, with whatever kind of decoration you like.

The point remains that for all the people saying “this is hideously controlling, imagine if it was cake!”, I’d have still been pissed off if it was indeed cake rather than lasagna. If we’ve planned to eat it together and I haven’t finished making it and haven’t had time to sit down to it myself because I’m getting children to bed, then yes I would be annoyed if my husband sat down to start eating a big wedge of it without me.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 09:51

*To be fair to him, he does cook if he gets home before me and he will cook on the weekend too. He also washes up if I've cooked (as he did tonight)

DS doesn't go to sleep at 6.30, that's just the time I start to take him up and bathe him etc. He will usually settle by 7. He sleeps until 7am and needs his 12 hours as he goes to nursery most days and doesn't nap there properly . DH does get to see him, he will come upstairs while I'm bathing him or come to give him cuddles before bed .*

Little: the OP has answered that. He does cook. I think he should do bedtime sometimes as well and it’s not clearly if that happens.

AnybodyWantAChip · 24/10/2019 09:56

Sounds like your husband sees food as fuel to be eaten whenever he is hungry, but you see food as an opportunity to be social, eat together and catch up on the day.
He just saw food, but you saw a lot of time and effort that had gone into a meal you wanted to share with him.
Cooking a nice meal is actually a very caring thing to do. It takes time and planning. But what your DH did wasn't caring, it was just about him doing what he wanted, when he wanted.
I'd be very pissed off if my DH couldn't wait 45 minutes to eat a meal with me.

Whoops75 · 24/10/2019 10:12

How is a snack before dinner different to dinner first then a snack at 10pm Confused

He was going to be eating the same amount just in different order!

Tweetingmagpie · 24/10/2019 10:17

I think it’s more that the op made the effort to cook from scratch when she doesn’t usually, or that’s what I’m getting, so wanted it to be a bit more special.

Not bragging but I cook from scratch every day for 10 so it wouldnt bother me!

ineedaholidaynow · 24/10/2019 10:19

ChilledBee 20 stone isn’t healthy.

Many of the rules we teach our DC are to help make them polite and considerate human beings. So, when they are old enough to eat at the same time as the adults, we teach them they have to wait for their dinner. DS knows to wait, like the rest of us do, at the table before starting his meal until everyone is served (there are only 3 of us do it won’t get cold). So why when an adult grabs part of his dinner before anyone else, and in particular the person who has cooked it, gets a chance to sit down and eat it, is it not deemed rude?

And if I make a cake, then yes other people will ask if it is ok to have the first slice, just in case it is for a special occasion or more likely a cake sale.

woodchuck99 · 24/10/2019 10:25

In the context of your later posts I can see that it would be irritating if he didn't wait for you considering that he is the one who doesn't want to eat early. In general though I wouldn't like to have to wait for food that was already ready. If I started snacking before eating then I wouldn't want much of the main meal. It does seem like food is a big issue in your house though, for both of you.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 10:25

I think it’s more that the op made the effort to cook from scratch when she doesn’t usually

I don't think it would be different if she'd cooked a three course meal from scratch or just chucked a ready meal in the microwave. It wasn't served, the person who had provided it wasn't ready and was busy. It's still rude to just help yourself and not wait.

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