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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 24/10/2019 08:58

Actually, a friend of mine does have a huge issue around food, and is very obese as a result. She cannot self regulate at all, and she describes it as being akin to an alcoholic. She benefits from having set meal times, and her fami,y do their best to support her in this. Some people on here would clearly think that that's controlling. Somshould they just let her eat herself into an early grave?

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 08:58

I can only imagine that you must make very basic meals that take you no time and effort that you really wouldn't care if someone ate it before it was ready

I wouldn’t care. If my DH took a bowl of curry before the rice was ready I wouldn’t be angry or upset with him. You will find that difficult to believe but hey - we’re not all the same.

And if my ‘basic meals’ (they’re sometimes basic, sometimes not) upset you, you might reflect on why that is. We eat well. Sometimes it’s not time-consuming, but I count that as a win!

Hullygully · 24/10/2019 08:58

(only read the first 4 pages)

It's not really about the food is it?

You are trying to create a nice evening for the two of you after the baby has gone to bed and sharing a meal is a key part of that. That is a nice caring thing to want to do and he is an arse.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 08:59

@DoctorAllcome well if @ChilledBee gets that hungry and must eat there and then or she will "get fucked off" rather than wait 45 mins to eat her meal, then I would suggest she needs all the help she can get. Glad to do my bit for the emotional maturity development of strangers

OP posts:
Hullygully · 24/10/2019 09:00

If you both come home, eat whatever separately, slump in front of the TV or pursue different evenings, then the next thread in a year or so is all the romance has gone and our relationship has collapsed post DC...

LemonPrism · 24/10/2019 09:00

Jesus it's a lasagne not rocket science (and having wedges w it is very weird).

Hungry is hungry, he said he'd sit and have salad later. I think it is controlling to force someone to feel hungry and wait for their dinner like a child.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 09:01

But oh no, according to you, she should have been flexible enough to have put her baby to one side and fed her adult husband because he was hungry!

Nope. According to me she should not have been pissed off when her husband fed himself because he was hungry and food was cooked and ready to eat. I don’t think wives need to spoon feed their husbands or give them permission to eat food in their own house or tell them if they are hungry enough to be allowed to eat a certain portion size.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 09:02

Somshould they just let her eat herself into an early grave?

The OP has accused her husband of being addicted to food, but several people have asked whether he is overweight and she hasn’t responded. He seems to eat slightly more than the average. I am an alcoholic, and it isn’t comparable.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 09:04

You are trying to create a nice evening for the two of you after the baby has gone to bed and sharing a meal is a key part of that. That is a nice caring thing to want to do and he is an arse.

The thing is, this is a key part of that for you. Quite frequently, my DH will want to come in, eat and go for a run. Or I will want to put the baby to bed, eat and write a few paragraphs of my masterpiece. We don’t all enjoy doing the same things at the same times every day, and I know for my part, I really don’t appreciate people defining “enjoyment” for me.

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 09:06

Well that's a very specific situation around cake isn't it?

Yes, and this is a very specific situation around lasagna. Many of the specifics seem to be getting totally ignored in favour of berating the OP for how unreasonably controlling she is.

Fact remains that if I'm making dinner, I would be annoyed if anyone - adult or child - expected to eat it before I'd finished and before I got to sit down and eat any myself. I'm not running a canteen service.

Hullygully · 24/10/2019 09:06

Fair point, seaweed. They obvs need to discuss it...

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 09:06

DoctorAllcome well if @ChilledBee gets that hungry and must eat there and then or she will "get fucked off" rather than wait 45 mins to eat her meal, then I would suggest she needs all the help she can get. Glad to do my bit for the emotional maturity development of strangers

Strange that you think advocating disordered eating practices is “help.” Deliberately fasting when hungry to please others or in the case of your husband, avoid being verbally chastised is the opposite of a healthy relationship with food.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 09:07

I can't believe anyone thinks was ok. It's incredibly rude. I can't imagine just waltzing in a taking a bit of a half-finished dinner when the other person involved was busy. Even if it was a finished dinner it would still be unacceptable.

Gottobefree · 24/10/2019 09:10

YANBU ! I don't have a DH but with any cook who has put in effort cooking anything for you it is disrespectful to help yourself !

CarolDanvers · 24/10/2019 09:10

Yes, and this is a very specific situation around lasagna. Many of the specifics seem to be getting totally ignored in favour of berating the OP for how unreasonably controlling she is.*

A completed lasagne warning in the oven is in no way the same as a partially completed layer cake and I am not berating the OP at all but as I said I will leave it there. It's too early 😊

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:11

@Redlioness123

I don't want a fucking banana. I want my dinner. It isn't healthy to snack right before dinner. Release your grip, woman! Seriously, no adult will put up with this for long. They will either just fuck off or rebel (read cheat). You can't tell adults what to eat and when. At the very most,you can scream that it is your lasagne and it will be served when you say. In that instance, I'd order a burger and chips myself but that's your only real power here. You can just say the lasagne is yours and you'll say when it can be shared.

OP, you do need help.

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 09:11

If it helps you can think of it as an undecorated cake still waiting for icing.

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 09:13

Seriously, no adult will put up with this for long. They will either just fuck off or rebel (read cheat).

She's going to cause her husband to cheat on her by expecting him not to eat dinner until the person cooking it can get a share too? Gosh.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 09:13

@seaweedandmarchingbands he consumes a lot of food including full meals late at night. He plays football for one hour a week and that's it. What if I told you that he regularly has days where he binges and can/will eat a whole loaf in half an hour, with a packet of ham? That's in addition to normal meals. I bought some granola on Saturday and the box was finished by tuesday (he is the only one who eats it). He is the one who says he has a food addiction. He is 20 stone but doesn't look it as he is naturally broad. I don't know if that's overweight or not, I haven't checked. But he's telling me he has a problem and he binges on food, so I try and support him. His dad is similar and at the age of 60, is on several tablets a day for diabetes and is obese. Maybe subconsciously I worry that lasagne-gate is a continuous sign of a bad habit which contributes to his food issues, and yes you think it's controlling, but the last thing I want is for his health to deteriorate to the extent he can't be the father he wants to be to our DS, or he ends up on lifetime medication like his dad.

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:14

Oh and my father is/was a swanky chef/food author so I definitely cook everything from scratch. I've only just started to trust tinned tomatoes.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:15

@53rdway

I don't think she acts this way just about food. This is usually a pattern.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:17

@redlioness

Okay you can tell him why you are concerned but then it is up to him. It is his body. His organs. His life. If you picked a co-parent who doesn't mind dying on his spouse and kid(s) early, then that's your bad selection criteria. But nagging him will make him more set in his ways. Not less.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 09:18

@DoctorAllcome it's not "fasting" though is it. You want to criticise me for my choice of language but let's be real about yours

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 09:18

20 stone is heavy. How tall is he?

Really, the amount eaten is by the by, and nothing to do with this. He is either consuming too many calories or he isn’t. But if he has asked you for help, he is either worried about his health, or he is more worried about your contempt. It’s impossible to say which without knowing more.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:20

20 stone will look fat on anyone under 185cm