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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
adaline · 24/10/2019 10:26

Where's your accountability and self-regulation to not be absolutely starving when you return from home, knowing that dinner is unlikely to be ready waiting on the table for you?

Not everyone can just eat at set times through the day, though. I often take a banana for my 10 minute break but I often don't have time to take it, so go from midday until 8pm without eating - and yes, I would just eat when I got home rather than wait another 45 minutes on someone else's say so!

woodchuck99 · 24/10/2019 10:30

Where's your accountability and self-regulation to not be absolutely starving when you return from home, knowing that dinner is unlikely to be ready waiting on the table for you?

I am usually starving when I get home and while I would wait for a bit if the food wasn't ready yet I would probably end up snacking and losing my appetite. Therefore the preference for me would be to eat straight away if the food was ready.

ParkLife123 · 24/10/2019 10:56

To the posters asking whether this would be acceptable at a friend’s house. There is a fundamental difference. OP’s DH is not a guest in his own home, and shouldn’t be treated as such. Most people are perfectly capable of having a portion of something if they are hungry and then enjoying a nice meal together shortly afterwards. He even had some more of the lasagne when they sat down together so I don’t see an issue. Let the man eat in his house!

The drip feeding has led to the revelation that this is in fact a bigger problem than just someone having some of their dinner 45 minutes early. It’s clear the OP’s DH loves food and perhaps he just needs to exercise more to balance things out. OP, consider investing in a treadmill or something similar. One hour of football a week doesn’t sound like enough. My DH also loves food, will usually have two portions of a main meal and also snack throughout the day. But he jogs every day.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 11:02

To the posters asking whether this would be acceptable at a friend’s house. There is a fundamental difference. OP’s DH is not a guest in his own home, and shouldn’t be treated as such

I asked that question. It might be not quite as rude to do it at home as when you are a guest but I still think it is rude. Being at home doesn't mean you have no consideration for anyone else around you or respect for the fact they have cooked for both of you.

Belfield · 24/10/2019 11:04

OP you are probably thinking about his overeating and his bad habits and this is part of the upset because it exhibits a further lack of control. It wouldn't bother me but if there is a history of overeating etc well then that changes it. you do come across controlling throughout the thread more so because you are quite condescending to those that you do not agree with which is a sign that you are controlling in general.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 11:08

@DoctorAllcome it's not "fasting" though is it. You want to criticise me for my choice of language but let's be real about yours

Well, technically not allowing someone to eat until after 7:15 is a form of Intermittent Fasting (IF).

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 11:09

It does sound like he has a problem with food. Has he looked into getting help for it?

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 11:11

Well, technically not allowing someone to eat until after 7:15 is a form of Intermittent Fasting (IF).

She wasn’t forbidding him from eating though. She even suggested he eat a snack.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 11:15

Many of the rules we teach our DC are to help make them polite and considerate human beings. So, when they are old enough to eat at the same time as the adults, we teach them they have to wait for their dinner. DS knows to wait, like the rest of us do, at the table before starting his meal until everyone is served (there are only 3 of us do it won’t get cold). So why when an adult grabs part of his dinner before anyone else, and in particular the person who has cooked it, gets a chance to sit down and eat it, is it not deemed rude?

Because not everyone teaches their children such old fashioned strait laced rules. For one, my kids have always eaten with adults...so I don’t get the whole “old enough to eat with adults” thing at all. What you describe sounds like that Downton Abbey tv show where children eat in a nursery with nanny and everyone dresses up for dinner and then waits for the gong like good little Pavlovian. They then process into the dining room and adhere to old fashioned etiquette.

We’re just much more relaxed for a weeknight dinner.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 11:19

DS knows to wait, like the rest of us do, at the table before starting his meal until everyone is served

This isn't an old-fashioned "Downton Abbey" rule. It's basic manners!

Hullygully · 24/10/2019 11:21

TWENTY STONE????

FFS.

Should have put that in the OP. Of course he has a massive problem if he comes in and out of raving fatty boom boom greed stuffs half of the evening's dinner straight from the oven.

FFS.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 11:21

53rd
She wasn’t forbidding him from eating though. She even suggested he eat a snack.

She gave him two choices- wait for dinner (IF) or eat a banana /toast.
I was referring to the first choice being to fast because the lasagne was definitely forbidden.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 11:23

Great, now we’re fat shaming and saying a fat person deserves to have their food controlled and treated with contempt for their own good.

Daffodil2018 · 24/10/2019 11:24

20 stone Shock

userxx · 24/10/2019 11:27

@DoctorAllcome well he clearly can't control his own food intake can he? 20 stone is heart attack material.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 11:33

well he clearly can't control his own food intake can he? 20 stone is heart attack material.

It’s his life and his body. Nobody else has the right to control him.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/10/2019 11:38

DoctorAllcome due to work commitments and commutes we don't tend to eat our evening meal until about 7.30 - 8.00, if not later.

Funnily enough I didn't think it would be fair to expect DS to wait for his dinner until this time when he was little. When we did bedtime with him, he would have his tea, then bath, stories etc. Most times if DH was home in time he would do this so he had time with DS and I would cook our dinner, and then we would eat once DS was in bed (similar to OP's routine).

Now he is at secondary school he is quite happy to eat at this time. He will have a snack when he gets in and then eats with us. Only time this changes is if he has clubs or DH or I have late meetings, then it will probably work out that we all eat at different times. But we normally try and eat together both during the week and weekends.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/10/2019 11:39

But seaweed he has asked OP to help him by having later mealtimes to try and stop him having 2 big meals in an evening

3luckystars · 24/10/2019 11:40

If I was hungry and was told to wait for an hour, WHEN THE DINNER WAS READY, then I would help myself or eat something else and tell you ti keep your dinner. When I am hungry I need to eat so I would be very annoyed it you imposed this time rule on me for no reason.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 11:42

But seaweed he has asked OP to help him by having later mealtimes to try and stop him having 2 big meals in an evening

And I’ve often asked my DH to help or support me with things. That doesn’t give him the right to control me. And it wouldn’t help if he did.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/10/2019 11:44

Also DoctorAllcome if your children always eat with adults, someone has to wait for their dinner until everyone is home to eat it, and no-one would eat a portion first, before everyone else was ready

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 11:45

DoctorAllcome well he clearly can't control his own food intake can he? 20 stone is heart attack material.

Could be or could be not. OP said he plays rugby. The heaviest professional rugby player Uini Antonio is 23 stone 12. But go ahead and jump to conclusions.

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 11:47

She didn’t say he plays rugby. She said he plays football, once a week.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 11:47

If I was hungry and was told to wait for an hour, WHEN THE DINNER WAS READY, then I would help myself or eat something else and tell you ti keep your dinner

If I was hungry and was asked to wait for an hour because the person who had made the dinner was busy parenting and therefore not able to eat yet I would join in the parenting or whatever the job on was so that we could then eat together as normal as soon as possible. And if I just ignored all that and helped myself because I felt like it and sod anyone else I'd think I was being a dick.

Willow4987 · 24/10/2019 11:48

I’m with you OP, we always have dinner post baby being in bed as to eat with him would mean having dinner at 5pm....when usually neither of us are home

So we wait until he’s in bed. I’d also be annoyed if my DH did this, but he’s on board with waiting and having a biscuit or something to tide him over if he’s desperate