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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 06:37

@ PetitTOrteois

Me too. It is obsessive and controlling. I know if I arrive home at 6:30 after a day where I worked through and hadn’t eaten since 6am to find dinner cooked and just drying out in a warm oven, I’d help myself to a plate too. And if my husband who had cooked it got angry because I didn’t wait until 7:15 to eat, I’d view that as borderline abusive. Like I need HIS permission to eat.

BillHadersNewWife · 24/10/2019 06:39

Tortoise I know! Talk about precious! Standing on ceremony for what? Some weird pride? Wanting a ritual over what's a meal at home?

I'd understand if it were a special occasion but for goodness sake! This was lasagne! OP makes a point of saying " It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc.*

How else do you bloody make lasagne?? It's not as though she was boiling lobsters and cracking open the caviar!

VisibleShantiLine · 24/10/2019 06:49

Bloody rude, OP. Bloody rude.

My husband has his faults (a lot of them actually) but he would be unlikely to do that and instead does as you suggested and eats something else while he waits. And this is a man who does physical work, has a huge appetite and has very little self control. My brother, however, is distinctly rude in that when he comes over for dinner he will demolish his food before I've even served everyone and sat down myself. I think he's doing it to make some kind of statement but not sure what that could be except that he's an arrogant arse. I really hope he doesn't do that with his girlfriend.

OP, why not eat all together with your DC? It honestly makes life that much easier when you're all eating the same thing at the same time. Then you can relax (or do housework etc - sigh) as soon as your DC goes to sleep.

Failing that, how about you eat fresh lasagne with your son at his normal eating time and leave your husband to eat by himself later. He might find that a bit lonely, at which point you can suggest perhaps he's being controlling. What's good for the goose and all that.

funmummy48 · 24/10/2019 06:50

I’d have ditched the wedges and just served it up with salad straight away if he arrived home starving. I get “hangry” so wouldn’t have been able to wait either. It’s not as though it was still cooking. 😳

NearlyGranny · 24/10/2019 06:59

GnomeDePlume has hit on the explanation, OP, you are married to a labrador! At least they're faithful.

I reckon you need to discuss the concept of the 'second shift' with him. You both work and you have a child together, so when each of you comes in from work, neither of you can now have the attitude of kicking your boots off and scarfing whatever food is to hand, can you? There is work to be done first, and that work needs to be shared. It's the second shift.

It seems the only reason you have more time in the evenings is that you can work flexitime and you start earlier than he does. Does he do the early shift with dressing and breakfasting his DS and taking him to nursery/childminder after you've gone to work or are you doing the early bit of the second shift, too? Which of you is carrying the mental load of meal planning, scheduling childcare, appointments, bill paying etc? Does that fall to one of you and not the other?

It sounds as if your life may have changed far more than his. If you are mopping up the bulk of the work at both ends of your busy day to allow him to skip heedlessly to work in the mornings and then come in to share the fun bit of childcare and sit down to a delicious meal prepared by you, he is enjoying all the traditional benefits of having a SAH partner AND the benefits of your salary. You meanwhile are burning the candle at both ends.

This is the conversation you might usefully have before you burn out. Labrador are loving and trainable! 😉

TheTeenageYears · 24/10/2019 07:10

Glad to hear you were able to have a sensible conversation with your DH OP. I would probably put quite a lot of energy into this not happening again. As your DS becomes more aware of his surroundings he will pick up on this behaviour and think it's acceptable for him too. It's very difficult to discipline a child over something a parent also does. The old saying "do as I say and not as I do' is not really relevant in the times we now live.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 07:16

The more I read of the OP’s posts the more I feel a bit sorry for the bloke.

I thought my husband ate a lot too but when I actually looked at it more carefully, it was more that I was trying to eat carefully (1500 calories a day) and he was eating the normal amount for a healthy man who exercises (2500 calories). If your husband is eating a fish finger sandwich before bed that isn’t a food addiction - he’s hungry. And serving a lasagne isn’t an “experience” - it’s just dinner. So yes, overall you do sound controlling. Sorry.

BillHadersNewWife · 24/10/2019 07:20

FunMummy me too! Who has wedges with lasagne anyway? It's already full of carbs.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 07:20

Damn, husbands are dogs that are “easily trainable”?
And OP should “put quite a lot of energy into this not happening again”

This being a [dog] husband daring to eat without his mistress’ permission.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 07:21

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

We vary how we eat to suit what’s going on. Sometimes it’s a family dinner, sometimes it’s DH and I at the table, sometimes I eat with my toddler, sometimes I eat alone once she’s in bed and he catches up when he gets in. He has flexible hours and neither of us (or the toddler) find hunger should be subordinated to ritual. When we eat together we know how to do this without it causing a fight.

Sceptre86 · 24/10/2019 07:21

He was hungry and wanted to eat and you ate being precious about eating at a set time and together. It is nice to have a meal together at least once a day but I do not wait for dh if I am really hungry and dinner is cooked and vice versa. Also second sharing the cooking as you both work full time.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 07:26

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

No. Never eat while watching a screen unless on an airplane.

gwackywacky · 24/10/2019 07:28

So I guess if you all go to a restaurant you expect your dish to be served immediately and if the other person eating with you hes theirs 20 min later, so what, because #imhungry and #myfoodwasready

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 07:31

So I guess if you all go to a restaurant you expect your dish to be served immediately and if the other person eating with you hes theirs 20 min later, so what, because #imhungry and #myfoodwasready

No. I just don’t expect people to act like they’re eating at a restaurant every day. Confused

Nuttyaboutnutella · 24/10/2019 07:35

What a load of fuss about nothing. If it were the other way around, and you'd posted you came home feeling ravenous but your DP was making you wait, no doubt he'd be labelled as controlling Hmm

I tend to eat with my 2 year old at 5.30pm. it's not exactly relaxing but nothing is with a toddler 😂 I cook one meal and DP can have his when he gets home. If, for example, DS is exhausted and is desperately in need of bedtime, he'll grab a piece of fruit to tide him or I'll start the bath while he eats then he'll take over. Some nights, DS will eat in his own (I sit with him) if we're having steak or something. Hi usy go with the flow. Oh, and I prefer to look forward to my meal. If I have a banana or something just before, I enjoy my food less. He's a grown man, he can dictate his own appetite.

NabooThatsWho · 24/10/2019 07:37

So when he comes from work and says he's starving, I know he isn't, he just thinks he is, and i'm not going to enable his food addiction by being relaxed about him eating half of a dinner I've considerately prepared,

To me, you sound controlling. Do you genuinely think he has a food addiction?

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 07:41

@DoctorAllcome do you have a reading problem as well as a being unable to control your hunger problem? "Hadn't eaten since 6am"?? My husband consumes calories of over 3000 per day, and that's on a good day

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 24/10/2019 07:43

All the PPs saying OP's DH shouldn't be 'kept waiting' for his meal are totally missing the point. OP was busy with food prep AND childcare so a reasonable expectation would be for him to pitch in with one job or another, and set the table, dry the bathed baby and get him into pyjamas, season the wedges (extras specially requested by him) dress the salad, generally box and cox with his DW who started work before he did and hasn't stopped since! How hungry is she? If she can carry on working until all the essentials are done, why can't he? All this without needing to be asked or directed, just looking round and picking up on what's going forward. It's a mindset.

He lives there too, he knows the routines, where everything is kept, how everything works. The child is his, too. He's a C21st man not some Victorian pater familias.

His first thought coming through the door should be, "What needs to be done?" not, "What is there to eat?"

He should come in like a husband, not like a Viking raider.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 07:45

My husband consumes calories of over 3000 per day, and that's on a good day

Is he overweight? Does he do lots of exercise? Is he tall or heavily built? That’s more than the average but the average man needs 2,500, so he may well need 3,000.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 07:48

@Nuttyaboutnutella He's a grown man, he can dictate his own appetite
Ahh "a grown man", who can decide to eat when he wants, but not "grown man" enough to be able to wait 45 minutes for the sake of showing some courtesy to your partner who still has to put your child to bed, who also has worked all day and who also is Malnourishedslightly peckish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 07:50

@seaweed he plays football once a week. He says himself he has a problem with food and is greedy, so not sure why you are insistent on making excuses for him Confused

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 07:52

I don’t believe I am making excuses for him because I don’t believe a person needs an excuse to eat when they are hungry. If he is overweight and on a calorie controlled diet, he can manage that himself. If he is demanding home-cooked meals from you, he is being unreasonable. If he is refusing to do his share of bedtimes, he is being unreasonable. But here, in this situation, I think you sound obsessed with his food intake. Confused

Brefugee · 24/10/2019 07:52

having seen the updates i think the OP is entirely right to be cross and to explain to her husband that the timetable they agreed to stop him eating enough for 2 people each day should be stuck to.

Given that he does seem to eat quite a lot (is he a rugby player or something? or a hobbit? Grin) it also seems sensible to have a routine that he can stick to and given that children learn from parents, that they can later teach their DC to stick to (and so avoid passing on the unhealthy relationship with food). Although 3,000 calories in a day seems ok - or are they the calories consumed before Dinner and Supper?

OP - can your DH not eat a smallish snack just before he leaves work, or on the way home to stop the "hunger pangs"

I know that if i get to the point where I'm really hungry and must eat right now i get shaky, irrationally angry and basically out of control with emotions/anger. I just eat a piece of cheese if dinner isn't going to be on the table right away.

Livpool · 24/10/2019 07:52

It wouldn't bother me to be honest. He did say he was really hungry so he ate

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 07:53

@Redlioness123
@DoctorAllcome do you have a reading problem as well as a being unable to control your hunger problem? "Hadn't eaten since 6am"?? My husband consumes calories of over 3000 per day, and that's on a good day

No, I don’t have a reading or hunger problem. It’s the nature of my profession that I do not always get time to eat for up to 12hrs at a time. It appears to me you are the one with a problem dealing with changes in routine and your anger directly stems from not being able to control your husband to stick to your routine of dinner at 7:15 (a not a minute before or after).
It’s disturbing that you track not only your own caloric intake, but your husbands too. Why do you feel a need to count his calories and control his food (how much he eats, when he eats)? If the sexes were reversed, I’d be very concerned about the relationship being one of coercive control.