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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 23/10/2019 23:14

The food was ready, he was hungry. Why have a snack when dinner is ready?

I’d have offered to serve it if OH came home hungry, but then, I was brought up that you didn’t snack in the hour before dinner time.

SheSaidHummingbird · 23/10/2019 23:21

I guess to many posters, myself included, it's just a social custom. I was taught to show my gratitude to the person cooking and serving a meal to me, and one of the ways I express this is by waiting until I am served.

I really do find it odd that some people on here do not do the same. I assumed this was a totally normal convention.

Nobody is so hungry in this situation that they couldn't wait until dinner was served, and OP offered her DH other food that was available if he wanted to eat something before dinner. Lots of people overlooking this.... No lack of food, only manners.

Yup, sorry, this would 'get my knickers in a twist'.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 23:22

Thanks for the responses, I have read them all and while I think some posters have got unnecessarily goady about irrelevant details, I didn't want to run

I'm not pissed off now, I spoke to DH about it (while I had my wedge sized piece of lasagne and he had a plate of salad and wedges with the tiniest smidgen of lasagne) and he acknowledges it was rude, and we ended up laughing about it. Had this been a one off, I may not have reacted the way I did. However it's not the first time (I have told him before it's rude but he claims not to have realised it bothered me so much Hmm), he will always pick at parts of the dinner. whether it's curry sitting on the stove, or a roast. He has such a ravenous appetite, it's like he can't control himself and he has to eat there and then. Which is why I was making bloody wedges with a lasagne, they were largely for him, to fill him up, otherwise he starts scoffing cereal at 11pm, or as he's doing right now, a fish finger sandwich, while I've come to bed. He has a real unhealthy relationship with food, and that's his own admission, not mine. So when he comes from work and says he's starving, I know he isn't, he just thinks he is, and i'm not going to enable his food addiction by being relaxed about him eating half of a dinner I've considerately prepared, 5 minutes after he's walked through the door. He eats breakfast before he goes in the morning, lunch, and takes things to snack on at work. He originally wanted the later eating time to help him not eat another 500 calorie meal before bedtime (although I prefer a later time too, yes that may need to change as baby gets older)

To be fair to him, he does cook if he gets home before me and he will cook on the weekend too. He also washes up if I've cooked (as he did tonight)

DS doesn't go to sleep at 6.30, that's just the time I start to take him up and bathe him etc. He will usually settle by 7. He sleeps until 7am and needs his 12 hours as he goes to nursery most days and doesn't nap there properly . DH does get to see him, he will come upstairs while I'm bathing him or come to give him cuddles before bed . And I never said 6.30 was the time DH always arrives home, it varies between 5.30 and 6.30 over the course of a week. Irrespective, we always eat dinner at the same time, and this is a mutual decision

Thanks to the posters who were able to understand my annoyance despite me being unable to articulate it! The poster who said the lasagne would be like the centre piece was spot on Grin. When it was actually time to have dinner, serving it wasn't quite the same experience when half the mince had already fallen out the sides because DH had removed 60% of the lasagne's support !!

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 23/10/2019 23:27

It's heartwarming to know he understands and will make an effort. Well done for tackling the subject.

ParkLife123 · 23/10/2019 23:32

@pjmask Confused I didn’t say that now, did I? Now off you fuck, back to nagging your other half (if you have one) over some trivial bullshit Hmm

scubadive · 23/10/2019 23:33

Just explain that you won’t be cooking for him anymore as his behaviour is just nit acceptable.

DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2019 23:55

Good update OP and glad you've spoken about it and that he acknowledges he's been rude.

His attitude to food does sound unhealthy (a large portion of lasagna, then a tiny one plus wedges/salad and then a late night snack of a fish finger sandwich).

That sounds to me like a days worth of food in its own right, never mind breakfast, lunch and snacks on top of that.

StoppinBy · 23/10/2019 23:55

YABU - for the sake of 45 minutes you could have just got tea ready ASAP instead of waiting.

He WBU to eat a big piece of the lasagne rather than something else.

You both could have worked this out better.

DeRigueurMortis · 24/10/2019 00:33

It did just remind me of a food joke...

Person A: I'm on the seafood diet...

Person B: Sounds lovely, I love seafood but how does it work?

Person A: I see food and eat it Wink

Whoops75 · 24/10/2019 00:41

Dh and I have very different appetites
He can wait for food and I can’t
Hunger makes me feel unwell
We cook a one pot dinner or lasagna the night before for the following day.
We each eat when hungry not by the clock.

Kids are the same, no sit down meal.
Wouldn’t work for us

Why set a time limit?
Seems unfair to control when people eat.
Hunger depends on the individual not the clock.

Octopal7 · 24/10/2019 00:48

YABU. No doubt about it.

1forAll74 · 24/10/2019 01:22

Well,at least you had compliments about the lasagne, you will just have to accept that for now !

Thatisme · 24/10/2019 01:30

OP, I'm with you. Lasagna is a special meal in my house so bloody wait for me to sit down and enjoy it too!

gingersausage · 24/10/2019 04:31

@TulipsTulipsTulips it sounds like you’ve just realised your husband is a selfish wanker. I hope that when you point it out to him he realises it too and agrees to step up Flowers.

gingersausage · 24/10/2019 04:33

@1forAll74 please tell me that’s a joke...

ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 24/10/2019 05:05

I have to say, I don’t think this would bother me. Why torture someone who’s starving by having them wait 45 mins for their dinner that’s already cooked? It’s a compliment that he likes your cooking enough to dive in. I think on a week night I’d let this pass. On a weekend I’d expect us to sit down properly together.

feistymumma · 24/10/2019 05:10

I actually don't see what the problem is. Your husband came in said he was hungry but had to wait 45 minutes just so you could eat at a certain time? Why would you insist on him eating a banana when the food was actually ready and he was starving? Sounds a tad bit controlling to me. If food is there it should be eaten in my view. Perhaps he should have said "DW" I am so hungry I don't think I can wait until x time today.

But then again in my household we are flexible in that respect. We try our best to eat together but if food is cooked and someone is starving then I don't see why they shouldn't it eat because of a set dinner time.

Oblomov19 · 24/10/2019 05:10

Sorry to laugh. But have you thought this through. I can appreciate what you are saying. Disrespectful. But also where's your compromise. Why don't you just dish up at 6.30pm?

Oblomov19 · 24/10/2019 05:12

God, I love a good lasagne. Made one 2 days ago. Haven't made one for ages. Was delish!

CheeryB · 24/10/2019 05:39

He came home from work really hungry and tea is sitting ready in the oven but he’s not allowed it until you say so?

I have to agree that this sounds bizarre to me too. Maybe if it's a special dinner for a birthday or anniversary and there is to be wine and happy conversation I can see why it would be more relaxing to wait till the baby is in bed. But for a regular workday I couldn't imagine telling anyone they can't have their dinner till the baby is out of the way. Children do rather change our nice comfy routines.

Teacher22 · 24/10/2019 05:42

The OP has stated that the reason she has the dinner at a set later time is that, after cooking a nice dinner for herself and her DH she feeds the child and puts him to bed which is what a lot of people do when the child is very young.

The DH is being rude, greedy and unreasonable to grab large portions of a nicely cooked meal. He is also being lazy if both partners work but only one ever puts the child to bed.

I would say that, in future , I would not be cooking anything for the DH if he ever did this again and stick to it. The OP is being treated as a servant, not an equal adult and a wife.

Also, he can put the child to bed which will give him something to do while he is waiting for his dinner. He can have a banana.

When my own DH was working he got in later than me ( full time secondary teacher) so I fed the two DC earlier and we ate together when he got in. He was sometimes late due to traffic queues or the demands of work. My solution to avoid getting cross about ruined food was to avoid cooking elaborate food in the week. I only ever cooked convenience type meals which would not take too long or spoil and so I was never cross or upset about a dried out dinner if he was late.

I then cooked proper, nice food for everyone from scratch at the weekends.

GnomeDePlume · 24/10/2019 05:55

I am glad that he has now recognised that he was rude.

It does sound like he has very poor impulse control around food. Sees food, has to have food.

I have trained my labrador not to stick his face in the bowl as soon as the food is put down, I am sure your DH should be able to manage to train himself!

whitebowls · 24/10/2019 06:01

Really bad manners and disrespectful on OP DH's part.
But it seems I have a minority viewpoint.
No matter how hungry anyone is in my home we have our evening meal together.
Grab a snack if you're that ravenous.

joystir59 · 24/10/2019 06:01

YANBU but I would HATE waiting until after 7pm to eat every day! Perhaps eat earlier?

PetitTorteois · 24/10/2019 06:14

I can't believe 77% of people here think this is totally OK to have their hungry other half wait 45 minutes for dinner which is already done and waiting in the oven!!!! I wonder if the roles were reversed what the outcome would be.