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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
Whattodoabout · 24/10/2019 07:54

Incredibly rude.

PulpPixie · 24/10/2019 07:54

Reverse genders and the man would be controlling. Sick of the double standards from the men haters. I work all day, DH doesn’t (retired before you start about ‘cocklodger’) when I get in and I’m hungry, I’ll eat. DH cooks the majority of the meals and he never moans about it. Having a set time is ridiculous. If you’re hungry, you’re hungry

Theflying19 · 24/10/2019 07:55

Rude and entitled. He should have asked. Would he just carve into a cake without checking too?

NearlyGranny · 24/10/2019 07:57

Mindset for a happy, equal marriage. Nobody sits down or eats until the work is done.

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 07:59

@BillHadersNewWife me too! Who has wedges with lasagne anyway? It's already full of carbs

My husband does. As requested by him so that he doesn't get hungry again before bedtime and help himself to another large meal. Which I'm sure to some of the doormat posters with hunger problems is also dictated by me - newsflash - it isn't.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 07:59

Mindset for a happy, equal marriage. Nobody sits down or eats until the work is done.

Maybe. If you’re married to an Egyptian overseer and the ‘work’ is building the eighteenth marriage temple of Rameses II.

In normal relationships, there is a bit of give and take.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 08:00

doormat posters with hunger problems

Are you someone with food control issues, OP? “Hunger problems” seem to be something you have a vested interest in...

Original poster
Redlioness123 · 24/10/2019 08:01

@DoctorAllcome. You clearly do have a reading problem as I have said a few times on the thread that the later time was mutually agreed and driven more by him (pre DC) as he was getting hungry again by 10pm

OP posts:
TwiddleMuff · 24/10/2019 08:06

This thread is hilariously bonkers, but this is the best line:

"I wouldn't want wedges with a lasagna. Very carb heavy."

Grin Oh mumsnet, you never disappoint!

(YANBU, btw OP)

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 08:11

@Redlioness
You clearly do have a reading problem as I have said a few times on the thread that the later time was mutually agreed and driven more by him (pre DC) as he was getting hungry again by 10pm

No, I read that and it still struck me as controlling to actually force an agreement for a set time for dinner that then cannot be deviated from. Most normal people aim for dinner “around time x” but with the understanding that this is flexible. Your DH views dinner time as flexible based on hunger/needs, but you do not.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/10/2019 08:11

In this instance there seemed to be more take than give. OP was not only trying to finish the dinner but put the little one to bed. She had also been at work.

DH came in and ate like a 1950s husband (dinner on the table when he gets in) without lifting a finger to help.

People also seem to be ignoring the fact that DH has agreed that eating later is better for him, it is not dictated by OP, so why is she being told she is controlling?

When DS was little he had tea by himself as DH was rarely home before 7. Now he is in his teens he eats with us, unless he has a club or DH or I have a late meeting.

As most teens are when he gets in from college he is ravenous, so he will have a snack, but he waits for his dinner. If he had his dinner when he got in, he would probably want another dinner in a few hours time!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 08:13

ineedaholidaynow

I don’t disagree with you that this sounds like something from the ‘50s, but it’s an open question as to who is driving that dynamic.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 08:16

With reference to another of the OP’s posts, for example: “helping himself to another large meal”. Not only is there an undertone of contempt for those who eat particular portions of food, there is also the indication of disapproval towards her husband for taking food, full-stop, in “helping himself”. As if the kitchen is hers and it is her role to apportion food. Weird.

NearlyGranny · 24/10/2019 08:17

It sounds as if he's one of those men with hearty appetites who carry on eating at the rate they did as growing teenagers, more from habit and enjoyment than real gnawing hunger, which they probably never feel as they constantly top up whenever they feel space for more!

This works well when they're growing and physically active but with work and family commitments, continuing that eating pattern can lead to gradual weight gain until a man realises nothing fits any more and he's out of breath after climbing the stairs to cuddle the baby goodnight.

I don't need to spell out the health risks. My own DB died on the sitting room floor in front of his wife and toddler of a massive coronary aged only 32.

It sounds as if OP's DH is aware of his problem and has enlisted OP's support to manage his eating sensibly. A smart move on his part, in my opinion, but here she is being castigated for being 'controlling' for doing what her DH has asked and for being aware of his calorific needs and intake when it's clearly something they've discussed and agreed.

Are people just not reading the OP's posts? You can set them to come up in a different colour, you know!

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 08:17

She is controlling mostly because she is unreasonably inflexible, priortizing routine over basic needs and overreacts with anger to anyone not following the routine/exercising flexibility.

53rdWay · 24/10/2019 08:17

I think the posters saying “but WHY force him to wait until 7.15, that’s an arbitrary time, you’re just being controlling” are missing the point. You (plan to) eat together at 7.15 because you’re doing baby bedtime until then. You’re not sitting at the table watching the clock tick by until it’s approved dinner-time.

If he’s so desperately hungry he needs a huge plate of lasagna, he should be helping with bedtime to speed things up so you can both eat, not helping himself to dinner while you do all the other things that need doing.

BillHadersNewWife · 24/10/2019 08:19

OP if the wedges were for HIS benefit, then why not sit down with the salad and lasagne and your husband and then let him eat the bloody wedges later??

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 08:19

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

No we eat with our kids and view eating together as a low priority. What we will do is buy something delicious to share of an evening now we get something resembling childfree evenings. So whoever is home with the kids eats with them (I'm at home atm but hobby 3x a week). On the days I hobby, I cook about half the time and he dishes it up to the 4 of them at dinner time. I eat later. Other days we all eat together. Some days I eat with the kids and he eats dinner later.

OP sounds obsessed with the food intake of hubby. Give him some space. He might eat out of frustration/oppression/sadness at the way he is controlled.

RhiWrites · 24/10/2019 08:20

This thread really grinds my gears. I don’t know if I find it more irritating that people are calling OP controlling for wanting to eat together at the mutually agreed dinner time or claiming the lasagne was drying out (it was in a dedicated warming drawer!)

I’m in the (thankfully predominant) group of people who think it was hella rude of him. I’m glad he now accepts this.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 08:21

I find all this "he can have a banana or toast" to be scarily controlling. Like literally sat wondering if marriage is healthy as I read it.

honeylulu · 24/10/2019 08:23

I think it's rude OP. When someone had kindly made you a lovely dinner and is looking forward to sitting down with you and enjoying it the least you can do is wait until they've finished assembling or before mashing into one of the components!

I would feel like this whether it was me cooking and he would feel the same when it's his turn. Its the sort of thing my chauvinistic and self important father used to do (and eat a vast amount, leaving barely any for mum).

When you both work full time and have children there is barely any time on a weekday for each other. Sitting down together and enjoying a lovely home cooked meal and a catch up is usually the nicest part of the day. Feeling hungry for an hour won't kill anyone. If anything it makes the meal more enjoyable.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 08:24

I think some people (women being particularly vulnerable) become parents and begin to forget who they are supposed to be parenting. “Have a banana while you wait” is what you tell a 7 year old. “Helping themselves” to food in a house they live in isn’t “naughty” when the person doing it is 30. Eating outside established mealtimes is an adult’s prerogative (and yes, they should also be doing their share of the work, but not necessarily before they eat). Monitoring what others eat is fine when those others are your dependent children, not when it is your spouse.

Whether he was rude or not, the attitude of the OP seems to be one of control of her husband like he is her son.

DoctorAllcome · 24/10/2019 08:29

Yes, LOTS of contempt.
OP talking about her husband as being “addicted to food”

OP saying “he thinks he’s hungry but he’s not really” like she knows when he’s actually hungry better than him so he doesn’t get to even be hungry without her say so.

Then calling anyone who says this is controlling a “doormat” poster...all indicate OP views any relaxing of her grip as surrender.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 08:31

What also makes me irrationally angry is when people tell me how to feel so telling me waiting an hour won't kill me or a banana will be fine would fuck me off big time

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 08:32

DoctorAllcome

Indeed. I am about as far from “doormat” as I would like to be 😂 I cook most of the weekday meals because I am at home to do it, but my DH would do his fair share otherwise. I don’t “lovingly prepare” dinner, though, I just cook it.