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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 22:15

Soon2BeMumof3 then maybe the OP in your scenario shouldn't be such a martyr but should eat when hungry ,or ask for help if she needs some? You know, like any normal grown-up manages to do?

Butterymuffin · 23/10/2019 22:16

Does he do any of the cooking or the bedtime routine? It doesn't sound like it.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 23/10/2019 22:17

What a thoroughly spoilt, overgrown baby he is.

I would be so happy to come home to a spouse who feeds the baby and puts it to bed, then serves up a lovely big freshly cooked dinner and wine for us to relax with.

I’m another one who’s so glad not to have a man-child in my life!

TigerJoy · 23/10/2019 22:18

Yanbu. I would be really upset.

Evening meals are one of the few time me and Dh definitely sit and have a chat. We've had times when one has been cooking and the other has come in starving and we would always have a small snack. Honestly, he is not going to die of hunger. His immediate need for food was prioritised over the courtesy of sitting to eat with you, which seems unfair after you had gone to the effort of making a nice meal

pallisers · 23/10/2019 22:20

I think if this was a roast dinner and the dh had carved off and eaten his portion of the beef people might get what the OP means a bit more.

if you made a roast dinner and were waiting for the roast potatoes and veg to cook and your husband came in and said "I'll just eat my beef now standing in the kitchen but don't worry I'll sit with you and have roast potatoes and gravy later" most people would think he was nuts.

Expecting normal manners and normal courtesy isn't controlling.

ParkLife123 · 23/10/2019 22:21

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

Like @ThatMuppetShow said, no, we don’t. We always try to eat together, as a family of 5. However, we don’t get our knickers in a twist if it doesn’t happen occasionally!

I’m afraid I couldn’t get worked up about this and thank goodness for that. Sounds like an awful lot of drama over nothing.

Skittlesandbeer · 23/10/2019 22:22

I think I’d rather eat on my own, later on, than with your DH.

He really should’ve been the one making the wedges, while you saw to the baby (or even put your feet up). He’d be told to eat on his way home, from a cheap takeaway in his hands, if he thought so little of my company and efforts.

And I agree with the poster about people benefitting from a bit of delayed gratification, these days. It builds entitlement to get into the habit of ‘I must have it now or I’ll just die!!’ No, no you won’t. Distract yourself, and practice a teeny ounce of self-control. There’s loads of benefits in it, including showing respect for your wife.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 22:25

people benefitting from a bit of delayed gratification, these days. It builds entitlement to get into the habit of ‘I must have it now or I’ll just die!!’ No, no you won’t. Distract yourself, and practice a teeny ounce of self-control. There’s loads of benefits in it, including showing respect for your wife.

but as the advice is to actually stuff yourself with snacks instead of eating your tea, your haughty advice lose the sense of superiority you were trying to give it Grin

BillHadersNewWife · 23/10/2019 22:26

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

No, we eat at the table but if DH is starving, I see no harm in him having a bit of a pre-dinner snaffle! The other day for example, he hadn't had time for lunch at work and was really hungry when he got in. He had a slice of bread with a bit of the bolognaise sauce on it...he got it out of the pot on the stove whilst we were waiting for the pasta to cook.

Then we all sat down and ate together.

ChicCauldron · 23/10/2019 22:29

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

No, we eat at the dining table. Generally together but there are some nights where one of us will eat at a different time due to activities.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 23/10/2019 22:30

My husband is terrible for doing this! Then by the time I’ve but the kids to bed he’s watching tv or playing xbox, leaving me to get my dinner ready and wash up. This thread has made me realise how unhealthy that is. Time for a change!

GnomeDePlume · 23/10/2019 22:33

Surely just helping himself is rude?

He is tucking into his meal but not thinking to wait and help OP to serve the whole meal. Very selfish behaviour. It wasnt as though the OP was not at home. He was just thinking of himself.

I guess his accusation of the OP being controlling is deflection rather than admitting he has been thoughtless, rude and selfish.

StrawberrySquash · 23/10/2019 22:35

I would have been very pissed off. I grew up in a household where if you were all in, you ate together at a table with the TV off and talked. And respected the meal someone had cooked by doing that. I still feel that's how I'd want things to be with a partner. (I'm single and live alone).
But not everyone works like that. I went over my friend's and her husband had cooked dinner (he's the house cook) she and I ate together, he had some at a different time, teenager wandered in and had something else and came to talk to the two of us. I find it odd, but hey.
So I think you need to agree how meal times work together. But I don't think it's fair that he gets to eat as soon as he walks in the door while you do bedtime. And those people saying he'd sit down with you and eat salad and wedges, for me it's partly about sharing food. And that centrepiece of the lasagne matters. Or it would to me.

LadyAllegraImelda · 23/10/2019 22:38

Ltb! Grin

pjmask · 23/10/2019 22:40

I love having family dinners where we all eat together (we have 3DCs under the age of 5) so sometimes that works and we all eat together and sometimes it doesn’t - I’m not too precious about it! I could understand you wanting him to wait if you were planning to have a nice meal as a family. But as it’d just be you two it’s really not a big deal

So two people without kids aren't a family? ODFOD

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 22:40

I grew up in a household where if you were all in, you ate together at a table with the TV off and talked.

I still do that. It makes 0 difference if someone had a slice or a serving of something pre-dinner. It doesn't stop anyone to seat down and talk because the dish wasn't instagram ready when it turns up on the table.

Same for a bottle of wine. Would people really care if one of the adults had a glass first?

DishingOutDone · 23/10/2019 22:42

OP. Hubsters has a penis. He has to do what he wants, when he wants. You should enable that like other, more "relaxed" posters do Hmm

Hope you don't nag him as well. Poor penis man.

pallisers · 23/10/2019 22:42

We always try to eat together, as a family of 5. However, we don’t get our knickers in a twist if it doesn’t happen occasionally!

Neither do we - but not eating together happens when people get in late/different times/have to be out again. Just wanting to scoff down a big bowl of part of the dinner in the kitchen ahead of everyone else doesn't really count as "not happening occasionally" in our house. That would count instead as showing bad manners.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 22:43

OP. Hubsters has a penis. He has to do what he wants, when he wants. You should enable that like other, more "relaxed" posters do

sometimes it's me who picks from the serving dish in the kitchen. Is that better for you just because I have a vagina?

SunshineAngel · 23/10/2019 22:44

I think if you make something, nobody has the right to help themselves to it until you serve it up. It's just rude.

You say he knows what time you eat, so he should have planned his other food for the day better than he did.

45 minutes isn't going to kill a grown man to wait.

I think eating together - where possible - is important. Obviously it can't be helped sometimes, but in this case he could have just hopped in the shower or got changed or something, and the time would have flown.

He is being unreasonable. It would do my head in, to be honest.

SpinneyHill · 23/10/2019 22:44

You do not touch food somebody else is cooking unless they ask/tell you to.

It's a basic human courtesy globally and if isn't it fucking should be.

I've no doubt people have been killed, called a cunt, set on fire , crucified for doing this and if they haven't I just lost my faith in Humanity.

Would he do that to another bloke at a BBQ? Would he bollocks.

57Varieties · 23/10/2019 22:45

you’re not starving, you’re just hungry, you don’t know what starving is

Say it to my own kids too now. Anyway. I digress. OP’s husband is still rude.

Majorcollywobble · 23/10/2019 22:51

Sounds like the lasagne you made from scratch was well worth waiting for . It needed resting as imo always better that day .
You made something with care and love expecting to share it together and he acts like an overgrown schoolboy- any adult can wait till the usual time for dinner surely . Then to accuse you of being controlling is the last straw . Next time you cook a lasagne freeze it in one portion meals and buy him a microwave version . He can be stuffing that down within five minutes of getting home .

Girlking · 23/10/2019 23:01

Jesus Christ...God give me strength 😬

babycatcher411 · 23/10/2019 23:04

I would find it very rude. I wouldn’t dare eat a portion of food prepared by someone else without their indication to do so, regardless of whether I had contributed towards the cost of it. It’s just disrespectful.

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to reconsider when that food was served, if someone it was intended for actually was ‘starving’, but I would be upset to think that my partner had that little respect for me and the time/effort I put into preparing a meal that he just went ahead and helped himself, especially if the norm is to eat together.