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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
MotherofOne · 23/10/2019 21:44

Leflic - if he hasn't eaten all day then he's a stupid f*cker who needs to manage his life better!

BigChocFrenzy · 23/10/2019 21:45

For me, what's wrong is that the OP is still working - and probably hungry - while her DH decides to eat as soon as he comes home
instead of sharing the work

He should be putting the toddler to bed - and taking the opportunity for some 1-1
while the OP finishes making the dinner

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 23/10/2019 21:45

I think you sound very controlling and if you hadn't mentioned it was your DH I would've assumed you were talking about your child.

If he came home from work and was ravenous and the lasagne was ready why couldn't he eat it? Why did he have to wait until 7.15? Does it really matter that he didn't have the salad too?

Perhaps you could've let him eat his dinner on this occasion as it was ready, then ask him to do the bedtime routine whilst you eat yours. Its one night!

It does sound like you place a lot more emphasis on cooking the perfect meal, sitting down together and enjoying it together. Does the evening meal mean as much to him as it does you? Is it just dinner to him. Maybe ask him and if it doesn't stop putting in so much effort, save that for special occasions.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 21:46

if he hasn't eaten all day then he's a stupid fcker who needs to manage his life better!*

some posters have a cushy organised life haven't they...

SeaToSki · 23/10/2019 21:48

I agree with MotherofOne.

He should have either helped finish off getting dinner ready or putting the baby to bed so that both of you could have eaten earlier, not just selfishly prioritised himself eating immediately while OP was still running around managing things.

Dieu · 23/10/2019 21:50

Jesus, some of the overreactions on this thread.

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 23/10/2019 21:50

if he hasn't eaten all day then he's a stupid fcker who needs to manage his life better!*

My sister often gets home after a 12 hour shift and she hasn't eaten all day - she's a scrub nurse. Does that mean she's a stupid fucker?!

Leflic · 23/10/2019 21:52

Frankly I would be pissed off if if I’d spent ages on lasagne and my DH filled himself up with toast before dinner.

MotherofOne · 23/10/2019 21:55

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

If this was a shop-bought pizza and we were both going to crash on the sofa in front of the TV, then it would bother me less if DH grabbed his first.
But if the expectation was that we were sitting down for a meal together at a table, having a chat etc then I'd be pissed off.

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/10/2019 21:58

I'm generally just happy if what I cook doesn't end up in a sandwich. We had words when he turned a very nice quiche into a sandwich filling. Pretty chilled about the rest, as long as he eats quietly.

MotherofOne · 23/10/2019 21:59

Hadtonamechange Funnily enough, so is my cousin (a scrub nurse) - but she still gets breaks?

mamandematribu · 23/10/2019 21:59

I would be really pissed off too but damn I love lasagne and it is hard to resist a good lasagne. At least he complimented you on it. My french mil makes rabbit lasagne Confused---- I haven't had lasagne in ages. Try not to be too angry though as after all, it's just food.

billy1966 · 23/10/2019 22:00

OP,

Absolutely you have my sympathy.

He sounds absolutely uncouth.

Utterly unappreciative of the effort you clearly made.

And greedy with it.

He certainly doesn't sound like a catch.

I honestly can't imagine having to explain to either my husband or my children not to do something so rude.

I can assure you OP, most people with a smidgen of self awareness and manners, wouldn't dream of being so crude.

MotherofOne · 23/10/2019 22:01

Well, so far 78% of folk say YANBU, so I think that's your answer, OP!

vdbfamily · 23/10/2019 22:02

Your OP states that he does this all the time. That would suggest that he always arrives home hungry and the current routine is not ideal. Maybe you need to have a rediscussion about how you would like to eat with him daily and what time would be good to aim for in order to avoid him having to start without you. Would your little one not sit up with bedtime milk whilst you eat and have a bit of interaction with DH who could then help with bedtime routine.

theresthepurpleline · 23/10/2019 22:03

He needs to learn some manners and to behave.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2019 22:03

if the expectation was that we were sitting down for a meal together at a table, having a chat etc then I'd be pissed off

He was happy to still sit down and eat with the OP - he said he’d have wedges and salad.

It sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back because it’s not inherently unreasonable of him not to want to eat a banana, toast, lasagne, wedges and salad when he could just eat lasagne, wedges and salad, just not all at the time of his DP’s choosing.

Ideally he’d have said (in response to the banana thing) ‘I’ll just have the lasagne now instead if that’s OK’ and OP would have said ‘if you can wait I was going to make wedges’ and he’d have said ‘l’m happy to just skip the wedges and eat it with salad, looks amazing... can I help put DS to bed & we can eat sooner.’

They need to figure out their communication, seems to me.

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 23/10/2019 22:03

Motherofone I'm pleased to hear your cousin does. Unfortunately my sister works the most horrendous hours inc nights and on call. They are very short staffed to the point the union has asked them to strike which would result in closing operating theatres, as you would expect they all refused. I could say a lot more but it would be too outing.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 22:05

Just out of interest, do all the people saying 'it wouldn't bother me' eat their meals off a tray in front of the TV or similar?

No, we don't. We have a dining room for a reason.
I still couldn't give a monkey if a dish for the 2 of us turns up with a missing slice when we sit down for dinner. unless the dog has something to do with it

Soon2BeMumof3 · 23/10/2019 22:09

Can't believe anyone is defending your DH. He was incredibly selfish and rude.

You've worked all day, sorted the baby, made a nice meal from scratch to share with your spouse- and he just scoffs his dinner like it's nothing and you're the hired help.

What a dick.

Have you told him how this made you feel?

suggestionsplease1 · 23/10/2019 22:10

I think you need to be a bit more flexible - if I had a partner who said they were famished coming in the door and food was ready I wouldn't make them wait three quarters of an hour to eat.

He had a plan to eat with you at 7.15 - it just wasn't the full meal you had in mind. He's given you a lovely compliment on what you have made as well, I wouldn't be too miffed at him.

CakeAndGin · 23/10/2019 22:10

Obviously by the range of answers, I think it depends on if you put an importance on eating together. I have a high importance on eating together, even if we are watching TV, so I would be pissed if DH ate the food whilst I was still doing things. Likewise DH would be pissed if I did something similar.

OP you clearly put a lot of importance on cooking for him and eating together. You leave work on time to get home before him to cook dinner for you both. But it doesn’t appear that your DH thinks this way. Have you had the conversation about why having dinner together is important and the emphasis you place on dinner together and prepping dinner for him? Have you had this conversation when he hasn’t done this? So when you’re not pissed at him and not presumably hangry? If you’ve had this conversation without hanger, maybe try asking him to cook you something special. Then do the same to him. Or even just a question to him of how would he feel if you ate dinner now and he still had to wait for 45 mins? If he still doesn’t see it as a big deal then it’s probably looking at compromise so if you’ve prepped something really nice, you ask him to make sure he’ll eat with you. Only do it once or twice a week. The rest of the time you throw something together after putting the baby to bed. If he’s hungry he can snack or start making dinner.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 23/10/2019 22:10

Maybe the OP wanted her dinner when she first got in, but she couldn't because no one cooked it for her, she had a baby to look after and feed, a meal for adults to prepare then a baby to get to bed, while her lovely husband swans in takes a shovel full of lasagne and sits to eat, putting himself immediately first and ignoring what actually needed doing, whereas the OP has come in and cracked on with the drudgery rather than just doing what suited her. I would feel resentful too OP.

This. What a dick.

firstimemamma · 23/10/2019 22:11

Yanbu, it would annoy me too.

The 'yabu' people who are saying your husband was 'starving' are making me laugh.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 22:13

I have a high importance on eating together, even if we are watching TV

I would literally consider that the opposite of eating together!