To worry that I'm ruining my 8yr old's friendships (Social Media related)

[concernedforthefuture]

DD is 8 and attends a small ish school (only 8 girls in her year group). Over the past year, most of the girls in her year seem to have suddenly grown up and are very much into fashion, make-up, social media (mainly Instagram & TikTok but a couple have Facebook too), YouTube, gaming (Fortnite and Roblox) and watching TV and films that are generally meant for an older audience (such as Friends etc).
I'm afraid that I'm not on board with the social media and don't allow DD to use it. However, it's becoming very apparent that she is very much being left out of social groups because the other girls all chat / share videos outside of school and DD is not part of this. I have also stopped her from going to sleepovers after the last one she was invited to was a to watch Dirty Dancing (a 15!). The parents (host and other attendees') seemed surprised that I didn't want DD to watch it .
DD remains quite young for her age compared to her classmates and it's sad to see - she has very little in common with the other girls anymore and often tells me she's lonely.
Should I go against my beliefs and give in and let her have access to social media / unsuitable films etc so that she can maintain a friendship with the girls that used to love all playing together. Or should I stick to my guns even if it means that DD is left out?

My dd just turned 8 and she is allowed to watch YouTube videos via the TV with parental settings on it. She also has a phone without a SIM card in it which she plays roblox on. I wouldn’t allow her to get Instagram or Facebook! Even my 12yr old isn’t allowed Facebook although she does have Instagram. I don’t see anything wrong with them being a bit on the innocent side for as long as possible! They have a lifetime to be grown ups!

I think this is a tricky one TBH. Reminds me of being at School and one child who was the daughter of a teacher there had no TV (in the Home)She always seemed a bit different somehow .Having said that I would not be happy with an 8 yr old watching 15 films .Maybe as fizzygreenwater says ,let her have a little supervised access ATM (to SM)

No way would I let my child have social media at eight under any circumstances! I’m going to hold out til 13 if I possibly can having worked in a safeguarding team and heard some horror stories.

YANBU. I feel sad for your daughter though.

no way.i ont know how you work this for you dd but please stand your ground.
the change when fb comes into your life is huge.and the effect on them is so noticable.she is 8 this is way to young for that stage.

i was kept pretty back from things when i was younger.there wasnt the pressures of social media then but there was other things that made me feel quite uncoold or outside of it becuase all my friends did it and i didnt. but mum explained.and we did other stuff and there was still this semi understnadin gof her reasons even though i raged at it sometimes! 30 years later i am so thankful for um for doing this for me.and she did the right thing for that i am certain.
so maybe smile and say she will thank you in 30 years time yay...

The other poster suggestion of signing her up for other activities is great to find new friends and have different protective. Scouts is great to make friends and develop autonomy and at least my local group actively discourage mobile phone use.

Kids should be over 13 to have social media accounts. I work in a school and believe me, social media causes lots of issues! YANBU - you're keeping your child safe!

*Perspective

I wouldn't be having any of that at 8. It's far too young.

Interested in this thread, sometimes I feel like I’ve strayed in from 100 years ago when I see what dds friends are up to. She is in an even smaller class - 3 girls! She went on her first sleepover aged 8, just over a year ago and I was stunned when she came home and said they watched Dirty Dancing. I wonder if parents have actually watched this film, it did come out a long time ago? People see the word ‘dancing’ and the picture of a pretty girl dancing and think it’s all just dancing without realising that the story is all about sex and the driver for the plot line is a botched illegal abortion.

That's sad for your DD but I wouldn't be allowing my 8 year old access to social media or to watch Dirty Dancing. No way. I would probably let her have some supervised access to YouTube and I know some younger kids use WhatsApp to send innane chat and emojis to each other which is pretty harmless if monitored. Also I let my DD play with make up at home and on sleepovers but not to wear out although some of her friends do. To be honest if there are loads of kids on facebook the school would probably take a view on it and suggest to parents that they severely limit it. Our school would.

My DD is 8 and has not asked for a phone. She will not be getting one. My eldest DD is 10 and has a phone for walking to and from school in preparation for secondary school. She has no Tik tok or FB or WhatsApp, snapchat etc. I’m glad I stuck to my guns because the girls who were had been ‘fat shaming’ each other - none were remotely overweight. The names they used were atrocious. When they come home it’s their safe place and they don’t need the social media platforms to maintain friendships, certainly not at the age of 8. You’re being a good parent, carry on doing what is right to protect your DD.

We’ve just been through this with the 10 year old. She was the last in her class to get her phone. She got it over the summer for her 10th birthday for going into y6. Original plan was to wait til her 11th birthday for high school but we gave in this time. It was t just hearsay either. A parent held a part for her daughter’s 10th before mine and was surprised when all the girls except mine turned up with phones and went on Instagram. We’ve allowed the phone and she has what’s app. I was go smacked how quick she was added to group chats with her classmates. Even girls she doesn’t really speak to in school. I monitor very closely and it’s slightly amusing to read each night. The general jist is my daughter goes to bed much earlier than the rest. I see what’s app messages coming through up til 10pm when I have her phone on charge and check it. Hers is taken off her at 7pm when she’s sent up to her room. She can her her tablet til 7:30pm then it’s no electricals and she’s usually asleep soon after. Sometimes she gets in a mood about bedtime and sits doing crafts at her desk til 9pm but she can’t cope with that regularly. She’s had her tablet a while but the kindle fire so all age appropriate content set. We have allowed YouTube and monitored it and never really had an issue. More annoying toy inboxing in the past and now hair and make up tutorials. She’s brought it to me if she isn’t sure about something to check if it’s ok so she’s aware. She’s allowed snapchat without any friends on it, just to use the photo filters. Her fiends conversation seemed to show not many of her friends have snapchat but do have IG. I’ve not allowed IG yet. They also all have tick tock which I have just downloaded myself to look at as she keeps asking.

My 7 year old got an iPod touch for her birthday. She mostly plays games approved by me and has FaceTime and messenger to contact family (several abroad or long distance) and her dad/me depending where she’s staying (divorced). She has YouTube too and again had no issues. She has 2 classmates on iMessage/FaceTime who have had iPods longer. Again it’s monitored and no issues so far.

As for films. No way would they watch a 15. My niece seems to watch teen movies and she’s 8 but I don’t allow my two. To be honest they aren’t massive movie fans. They have watched Greece with their dad. I’ve also bought a DVD for a book for school they are reading and that’s a 12😬. I was 13 when I saw dirty dancing. My oldest keeps asking to watch Corrie and eastenders but I’m not allowing. Her argument is friends watch it and it’s on before 9pm. I still don’t think it’s suitable. One of her friends watched the Big Bang theory which I’ve never seen but don’t think would be suitable. I often have friends on tv in the day if they are busy but can often also turn it off depending on content.

It is really hard though. We are also at the going out with friends to the local shops dilemma! Or even just the park.

My 7 year old has friends with phones. I’ve seen them and they’ve had them at least a year. I don’t agree with them but their choice I guess.

Another vote for looking at different schools - that is insane. My son is 9 (yr5) and has a really wide friendship group and I’ve never come across anything like this.

Nc for this comment (the first thing I looked at 🤷‍♀️) Please please don’t give her social media, I allowed my daughter at the age of 11 to have a laptop she had gone into seniors and their homework is online. Access was monitored regular. My daughter was groomed, I hadn’t checked for 2 Days and In those 2 days had seen and been shown things no 11yo should even know about, in those 2 days she had also seen a fully grown mans naked body, in those 2 days she was made to sit unclothed on camera because he told her he knew where she lived and would kill her family! Police were involved and unfortunately it went nowhere because the website wiped itself when you shut down the chat. I can’t remember the name of a website but it was one that was mentioned by a YouTuber she followed in one of there videos. I will always blame myself it makes me feel sick what she went through so although she’s just 8 and you feel you may be ruining friendships just know That you’re making the right decision because there are some real monsters online and your decision protects her from them

Dear God, one of the main plot devices in Dirty Dancing is a back alley abortion! I would talk to the school and see what guidance they offer parents on social media use. I feel like my kids schools are inviting me to an e-safety talk every week and none of what you describe would be ok with them.

I am sorry for your experience @Hairbrush85 - you are not alone. I heard about blackmail cases such as this at my work. It was not your fault. There are some evil people out there

DD is a bit older at nearly 10 but I’ve had to give in and allow her instagram and tik tok but definitely not fb. She was being completely left out and it’s the opposite, a big year group of 90 children, more girls than boys and some good friends that have since moved from the area all chatting and making plans and I felt I was really hindering her by sticking to my ideals. I do have all her log ins and she keeps her device in my room so I see her messages before her most of the time. I can log in and look whenever I like and it’s very private. I’m not sure I could have brought myself to allow this at 8 (it has been on going since then) possibly a harder decision for you with such a small friendship group. DD’s favourite new show is friends which is probably a bit inappropriate but doesn’t deal with any of the serious issues dirty dancing does. Id not let her watch that (although I remember it being the first 15 I ever watched ages around 7 and the more serious content probably went over my head)

Cannot believe kids are on Instagram at 9! Or watching flipping dirty dancing could t be less appropriate it’s a great film but about a girls sexual awakening with a major backstreet abortion subplot. Wouldn’t let my 13 year old watch that.

Happycamper out of interest why do you think FB is worse than Instagram and the other one?

YANBU I must be really lucky with my daughter (10 in November) / school. She is very aware that she will not be getting a phone until near the end of year 6 although a few of her classmates have them. She has never asked for social media up until a week or so ago and asked for roblox which I said I would look into (havnt yet) and it's not been mentioned yet. She still likes playing with her dolls but also likes experimenting with make up. She will go on you tube although I wouldnt class this as social Media. It's supervised as we had issues with Peppa Pig videos on the kids version when she was younger. I will be sticking to my guns about keeping to age restrictions on social media

Well done on your stance. I’m the same. My daughter is the only one in her class who doesn’t have a phone and thank goodness. Literally every month there are issues at school with cyber bullying amongst the whole class. These kids at 8 will have these issues in year 6 unfortunately. Facebook age is 13. WhatsApp is 16. If your boundaries are broken at 8 I’m afraid there will be some challenges ahead. Stand your ground, you are her parent. My go to line for me kids is “my job is to keep you safe and happy, safe first happy next”. They will thank our in the long run

My dd is 8 next week. There’s no way on earth she will be allowed access to any social media. She has YouTube kids and has half an hour twice a week she usually watched funny cat videos.
Her school have had many chats and demonstrations about the affects of social media and it’s dangers. She’s not asked so far and if she did my answer would be a firm no. Her class is small too most of the girls are just getting into hair and makeup, that’s it.
Could you encourage a friend over for dinner or a day during half term? No internet or phones etc
My dad has asked for films 12 and 15 rated and again I said no as they aren’t appropriate for her. Yes she may not understand the sexual side of things but the undesirable language would be repeated!

I feel harsh but I know I’m right. There’s no rush to grow up, if these things are experienced now what will they be up to at 13/14, sex? Drugs? Meeting strange men/ women in the park late at night?
I think it’s protecting her from the dangers as yet she knows nothing of and hopefully will never experience - until she’s old enough to make a rational informed decision and won’t get herself into situations beyond her control.
Xx

As the youngest of 5 I watched dirty dancing with my siblings when i was your daughter's age. Turned out fine and most of it probably went over my head anyway.

Children as young as 8 using/watching TikTok is a worry. Sounds like the other children have access to social media that is not age appropriate.
"TikTok requires users to be at least 13 years old to access its platform. Under the new EU General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), Ireland has now set the Digital Age of Consent to 16 years old. Anyone under the age of 16 years old cannot access this platform.
Common Sense Media has recommended that this app is appropriate for those aged at least 16 years old and above due to its mature content and information settings. "