To worry that I'm ruining my 8yr old's friendships (Social Media related)

[concernedforthefuture]

DD is 8 and attends a small ish school (only 8 girls in her year group). Over the past year, most of the girls in her year seem to have suddenly grown up and are very much into fashion, make-up, social media (mainly Instagram & TikTok but a couple have Facebook too), YouTube, gaming (Fortnite and Roblox) and watching TV and films that are generally meant for an older audience (such as Friends etc).
I'm afraid that I'm not on board with the social media and don't allow DD to use it. However, it's becoming very apparent that she is very much being left out of social groups because the other girls all chat / share videos outside of school and DD is not part of this. I have also stopped her from going to sleepovers after the last one she was invited to was a to watch Dirty Dancing (a 15!). The parents (host and other attendees') seemed surprised that I didn't want DD to watch it .
DD remains quite young for her age compared to her classmates and it's sad to see - she has very little in common with the other girls anymore and often tells me she's lonely.
Should I go against my beliefs and give in and let her have access to social media / unsuitable films etc so that she can maintain a friendship with the girls that used to love all playing together. Or should I stick to my guns even if it means that DD is left out?

Yep, how about checking out one of these bigger schools at least?

It doesn't sound great!

Stick to your guns! Look at some of the research around the psychological impact social media is having upon the emotional development and happiness of teenagers and you should feel totally justified in not letting your 8 year old be part of this. I think its obscene to let small children have unfettered access to social media.

You aren’t ruining her friendships.

My DD had no social media until she was 13 and she was quite happy to be open with her friends and use other methods of contact.

Wow I can't believe this is 8 year olds! My school have cracked down on children discussing rated 12 games now and bringing merchandise in as it's deemed unsuitable. Some y5/6 are starting to get on social media but it's not a big thing like you describe thank goodness.

Could you ask the school to do some kind of parent education on the risks of SM and all the things you describe? It sounds as if the parents as a whole have been swept along with the tide because ‘everyone else is doing it’.

Not right at all and you are correct to be concerned.

Bless her.. firstly you are definitely not doing anything wrong!!
My DD is 17 - only just had FB a year ago and even so, only uses it for keeping in touch with her Grandad and Aunts.
My 12 year old DD has a phone but, no FB or Instagram.
My son is 11 and we haven't allowed him Snapchat, FB, Instagram etc.
The younger two have blocks on YouTube and the like.
Dirty Dancing is not a film for a bunch of 8 year old girls to watch - blimey!!
As for the hair and make up, I think that's part and parcel. My mum used to do us silly make overs when we were that age although I didn't get into make up until I were maybe 16/17.
TikTok can be restricted so perhaps let her have a go on that?
It's such a tough one, I always say that when you have a baby there is so much advice & you're overwhelmed with tips/recommendations( albeit some useful and some complete nonsense ) yet, when you get to 8/9/10 you're left to your own devices and no body has any words of wisdom for you.
You're doing fab!!

YANBU from my parenting perspective... I wouldn’t be comfortable with any of it.
However I did want to add that a close family member has always let her DD watch whatever she likes, be on any social media she wants, have a phone, I pad etc unsupervised. We went over there once and they were watching forest gump. The child was under 10 and me and DH were shocked. But she is a lovely girl, well rounded and seemingly completely unaffected.
I can’t help but think you run the risk of her doing it but behind your back. At least with your consent you retain an element of control.

what do the school think? Our junior school have done quite a bit pf work on staying safe online. They had the NSPCC in doing workshops fpr kids AND parents

Has the school run any cyber awareness courses for parents and pupils? My DS’s schools, primary age and secondary run events every year on this topic - workshops for children and talks for parents.

Personally I would raise it in loose terms with the school. Our local is very good with an annual internet safety course (free) for parents. It covers all social media and touched on films/TV too.
There were quite a few red faces/shocked parents at the most recent one I attended as the penny dropped for a number of people.

These are good resources as a starting point
www.thinkuknow.co.uk/

It’s from NCA - CEOP

My DS is 7, I allow him access to a youtube account, which has a large amount of things blocked on it and he knows I check what he watches, plus he is only allowed it in the lounge, where I or his dad can keep an eye on it.

No social media or anything like that, although he does know what it is.

I have said it before, that we were very restricted with screen time with DS and when he was allowed it, he just seemed to binge it and I feel the strops were a lot worse when he was told to turn it off then if we had allowed it at an earlier age for a short period, but that is just me

These also look very relevant
www.thinkuknow.co.uk/professionals/

Are all the girls involved? I would think that a few sets of parents would be in a similar boat to you. What about joining something like brownies or a gym class where she could meet new friends.
I dunno if i would raise it with school you don't want it to become a thing where all the kids have had their social media taken away cause "sophies mum" complained to school

You're not unreasonable at all. The other girls sound far too sophisticated for their age, they are just children.

I must say, though, that I can't see anything wrong with 'Dirty Dancing', if you mean the original one with Patrick Swazye and Jennifer Grey. It's a delightful film, one of my favourites, and girls love it, practicising the dancing (especially the last one). I had no idea it was a 15, it's been on TV so many times I'm sure lots of children have watched it.

Dirty Dancing at age 8??! I'd avoid sleepovers and long playdates as the parents are not supervising your child adequately.

Re Tiktok this is a terrible platform and worse than Instagram and Facebook IMO. When it was Musicly you could specify private and your child could only see the content of those they approved as followers. Now even in private mode, your child is encouraged to watch live streaming of strangers. Let's just say we had a close call on this platform. It's a Chinese platform with little (no?) moderation. My older DC is allowed Instagram (13+) but not TikTok!!

We had a PCSO presentation at my 7yo's school about internet safety. It was horrifying. I wouldn't let my child near social media at 8.

Are you in a position to take her to clubs and activities?

Dirty dancing has sex and abortions but would probably go over their heads. Its boring for an 8 year old though.

God no.

These girls peak early and it always backfires.........your daughter is only a child once. Let her enjoy it.

You can make tiktok private.

Growing up, I was surrounded by girls who were far more advanced than I was allowed to be. Obviously there was no social media, but some of the girls were allowed to wear makeup and go to 'discos' and so on. I wasn't, and there was no room for negotiation.

While I still had friends at school, this made me a bit of an outsider, but my mother talked to me about why she made these choices for me. She told me that I would have the rest of my life to go to parties and wear makeup, and that I should enjoy my childhood.

I was able to accept this because my mother put me in an after school activity (in my case it was ice skating), where I met other girls who were raised in similar ways. This showed me that there were lots of different ways to be a 10 year old, and that I wasn't the only one who wasn't 'cool' as per the standards in my school.

My suggestion would be to try and find a sport or another activity where your daughter can find other children to make friends with, so that she can see that not 'everyone' has Instagram and so on. Also, if she falls in love with this activity it may help take her focus off trying to fit in with her school friends.

My DD is 9 and seems to be in the minority in not having a phone. But she also thinks that phones make her friends boring: they carry them in their hands at the park so can't do anything, and just want to make videos on Tiktok (which I would add is how my friend's DD's iPad got taken by CID, because some perv had hacked her tiktok account).

The other thing is that kids that age with internet access don't know how to sensibly use it; I've had DD unable time sleep because her friends show her scary videos on YouTube, like Slenderman, and she admits that if she had a phone she'd be tempted to look at them too.

It's too young.

I'd change her school! That's not the norm and she'd benefit from a larger class...more girls to choose from.

You can make tiktok private.

@Trewser yes and your child don't be seen by others, but you can't block your child from seeing live streaming or content from people they don't know any more.

I think there are compromises. My DD is 8 and also loves watching vacuous fashion/slime/I boxers on YouTube. I don’t think that’s dangerous at all. She can only watch YouTube on the kitchen pc when I’m in there as well. If I don’t like something it gets switched off. Although at the moment she’s watching those riddle things (if you don’t like the awful fashion things maybe start with those?)

She also plays games on Roblox too again, I check the game before she plays it.

She has no access to social media, but I let her text her friends from my phone (the 2 friends with divorced parents have phones). But, they just seem to text random emojis to each other!

I won’t let her watch a 12 never mind a 15!