To worry that I'm ruining my 8yr old's friendships (Social Media related)

[concernedforthefuture]

DD is 8 and attends a small ish school (only 8 girls in her year group). Over the past year, most of the girls in her year seem to have suddenly grown up and are very much into fashion, make-up, social media (mainly Instagram & TikTok but a couple have Facebook too), YouTube, gaming (Fortnite and Roblox) and watching TV and films that are generally meant for an older audience (such as Friends etc).
I'm afraid that I'm not on board with the social media and don't allow DD to use it. However, it's becoming very apparent that she is very much being left out of social groups because the other girls all chat / share videos outside of school and DD is not part of this. I have also stopped her from going to sleepovers after the last one she was invited to was a to watch Dirty Dancing (a 15!). The parents (host and other attendees') seemed surprised that I didn't want DD to watch it .
DD remains quite young for her age compared to her classmates and it's sad to see - she has very little in common with the other girls anymore and often tells me she's lonely.
Should I go against my beliefs and give in and let her have access to social media / unsuitable films etc so that she can maintain a friendship with the girls that used to love all playing together. Or should I stick to my guns even if it means that DD is left out?

And as for Dirty Dancing - has anyone explained to these kids what an abortion is or did they miss that key storyline in the film?

I think it's highly unlikely an 8 year old would pick up on it. There are so many things in film and TV that go over a child's head, I remember just thinking she was ill.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes

That’s a bizarre reaction to what is a salient point. Notwithstanding the age limits I think it is absolutely reasonable to point out that children don’t always notice meaning that we do as adults. No-one is using that as a reason why children should be watching movies that are inappropriate.

Absolutely no way. I’m a digital marketing expert (not a stealth boast) and no way would my 8yo be getting access to that.

Over my dead body. Watch kid’s YouTube too.

@Monkeyseesmonkeydoes doesn't that ring any bells from your childhood? Singing along to songs you so missed the meaning of. I remember singing along to Prince and not realising it was about wanking!

And like I said upthread I watched Dirty Dancing for years before I understood; plenty of stuff does go over a kids head. It's why there's sneaky adult jokes in kids movies.

Not sure there's any need to call someone an idiot.

I would have been around 8 maybe younger when I watched Dirty Dancing.
Did I sit nicely on the sofa glued to the tv? Did I fuck. I was a child who fidgetted, chatted, did whatever crap kids do. And when the music came on I did what other kids do, sang and danced badly at the annoyance of anyone else there not a child.

I'm more worried that I was watching Carry on films. Those I did sit and watch, loads of sexual innuendo and still a pg.

I think you made the wrong call op.you are like king canute standing on the beach shouting at the waves. Alienating her re the sleepover was cruel. If it was very scary film that was going to upset her fair enough, but some cheesy chick flick? The other parents are going to turn against you and your dd because you are criticising their parenting! You are setting her up for exclusion and bullying. She won't thank you

@Monkeyseesmonkeydoes I'd be more concerned about what your kids will pick up from a mother that calls a stranger an idiot for pointing out that kids miss a lot of adult references in films than the odd inappropriate joke, tbh.

Jeez.

The content of the Rocky horror picture show also went over my head. Just remembered us all doing the time warp, nan included. Do I remember what happened in the film? No, and I haven't watched it since. Completely forgot about it until this thread and it's brought a smile.

Dd is the same age and it all sounds very familiar...

She does have a phone because she WAS being left out but it's very very strictly controlled and time managed. I check it a lot etc. She doesn't have snapchat / instagram / tiktok which all her friends do and that bothers her but I'm not willing to give in on it. Basically she can phone and text her friends and watch kids YouTube and play approved games on it and I think that's enough and has been enough to Stop her being so left out.

Re the sleepover I'd really not be happy with them watching dirty dancing! It's not a huge surprise though as my son went to a sleepover at 9 years old where they were playing GTA and COD....

My DD was only allowed a phone end of y6 and is allowed WhatsApp (but I do check it) now she's in y7, she goes on Fortnite but I feel it's appropriate for her age (11). DS is 8 and a very young 8, no phone or social media, goes on Roblox to play with friends from school. I will let them watch 12a films. Somes of dds friends have tiktok and Snapchat, insta, but I don't really know enough about tiktok in particular. She thinks Facebook is for oldies. Would never have allowed anything like that for her at 8 though DC have watched Stampy and DanTDM for a few years on youtube.

I think we'll start with getting my daughter a Monqi phone from Tesco. You can see everything they do on it, approve all their apps, etc.

And as for Dirty Dancing - has anyone explained to these kids what an abortion is or did they miss that key storyline in the film?

When I first watched it I thought she had a stomach ache and her friends were angry at her boyfriend for sending her to a bad doctor...

Wow no way, DD is 12 years old and we still don't allow social media. She has her own phone can watch You tube BUT DH has put some software on it that means she's quite restricted in what she can do. It also emails him when she does stuff so we know what she is doing with it.

I once commented to a teacher that letting your kid losses on the internet was like allowing them to walk allown around shoho in the middle of the night. She actually thought it was worse then that. Parents who allow this access really don't understand the implications.

I'd actually be having a word with the school, this is part off the safeguarding training they are given. They should be doing more work with these kids and with their parents so they understand all the implications. Even in high school if a child underage was using some of these apps they would be talked to about the safety issues.

8 years old and on social media

It makes my blood boil there are so many wrong uns about on social media!!

Yanbu, stick to your guns you’re doing a great job putting your DD’s safety first

Maybe you could compromise a little bit to allow her to fit in - let her have a messaging app but monitor it.

If these are the only people she socializes with is it worth letting her stay younger if she's lonely? Friends is not going to corrupt her, neither is Roblox. She may have questions, so just answer them before her friends do!

My dd is also 8, in year 4, 9 in February.

This is not something that is common with any of her friends. We are in a deprived area technically but all the kids seem to have iPads etc so it’s not a money issue as such, they’re just way too young for social media etc.

One girl in her class got a phone when she was 7, summer born and has nobody to use it on outside of school as nobody else has one.

I’ve told dd she can possibly have one the Christmas before she turns 10 or her 10th birthday which is only weeks after Christmas anyway. In a years time I would expect more of them to be asking for this stuff. Dd loves make up, glitter, unicorns and her dolls, aswell as playing netball, biking etc. Social media is a long way off and I’m far from strict.

I’m actually shocked that this is seen as their normal.

For those who've suggested talking to the school to sort out some awareness events for parents - that's a really great idea. There is the odd sentence at the bottom of the weekly newsletter reminding parents to keep an eye on what children are up to, but nothing really to educate them as such.

DD is involved in activities outside school so does mix with children besides those in her class, but as she spends more time with those in school she is aware of feeling left out a lot.

Lots of kind words, good advice and suggestions here - thank you!

When it comes to films I tend to think that they have the certificate they have for good reason, and that parents who ignore this are underestimating what their kids pick up on, or how watching movies far above their recommended age can affect them.
there are 15 films now that would have been 18 not that long ago, violence in particular is allowed a lower cert - sex less so.
Relying on it to go above the heads of younger kids is naive at best.

I think you're right OP, but I can completely understand your dilemma.

In your shoes, I would do all I could to get dd involved in clubs outside of school - sport, Brownies, woodcraft, music, dance, martial arts etc - to develop other friendships and to have a break from feeling left out.

I would start to think about possibly allowing some messaging on my phone (although that's no doubt far too uncool) but absolutely no way do 8 year olds have the maturity to cope with the full on-ness of social media. Dirty Dancing might go over their heads, but why let them watch it? There are plenty of age appropriate films that they'd probably enjoy more.

@BrendasUmbrella I agree that Friends isn't the worst thing that she could watch. To be honest, I don't think it would interest her anyway, and most of the more 'mature' situations would go above her head. I just included it as an example of how the other girls seem to be in to much 'older' things. It would never have occurred to me that an 8 year old would want to watch it .

Relying on it to go above the heads of younger kids is naive at best

Fortunate then that nobody has in fact said that at all.

I'm really shocked at your post. My youngest is 13 and I don't recognise your description from his peers when he was 8 except for watching 12a action films like Avengers.

He often plays Fortnite and I can hear the chat of kids that are clearly about 5 so it's not unusual for 8yo to play.

The SM use is shocking - especially TikTok which is known to be a favourite of groomers and paedophiles. In the US it's for age 13+ as there's a lot of content like porn which isn't moderated properly.

Not watching YouTube is unusual (you don't need an account to do this) . There are child-friendly people on there that make content that I wouldn't mind my 8 yo watching. It's a pain vetting them (some YouTubers popular with primary school swear a lot and discuss inappropriate topics like sex) but it depends what she's after- I wouldn't want my child watching makeup tutorials and shopping hauls but there are gamers playing games rated 12 and less, bakers and vloggers who show off their pets which I wouldn't mind at all.

I think it's up to you, op. I wouldn't change my mind either way. I was once told what I expose my child to is age inappropriate on MN. I don't think so. But if things most parents may allow their children to is inappropriate for mine, I wouldn't sway either.

If we focus too much about what we expose our children to, then the only solution would be for them to never interact with the outside world.
Regardless of what we do they will always be exposed to something.
We can to an extent control their exposure and how it is handled is what is important.
Abortion for example (only because it's been referred to in this thread). Regardless of how they hear about it, they will. Ok Dirty Dancing you can control that. But what about an overhead conversation when outside, or it is mentioned in a news article. Even some children tv discuss abortions if it falls within a storyline.