To worry that I'm ruining my 8yr old's friendships (Social Media related)

[concernedforthefuture]

DD is 8 and attends a small ish school (only 8 girls in her year group). Over the past year, most of the girls in her year seem to have suddenly grown up and are very much into fashion, make-up, social media (mainly Instagram & TikTok but a couple have Facebook too), YouTube, gaming (Fortnite and Roblox) and watching TV and films that are generally meant for an older audience (such as Friends etc).
I'm afraid that I'm not on board with the social media and don't allow DD to use it. However, it's becoming very apparent that she is very much being left out of social groups because the other girls all chat / share videos outside of school and DD is not part of this. I have also stopped her from going to sleepovers after the last one she was invited to was a to watch Dirty Dancing (a 15!). The parents (host and other attendees') seemed surprised that I didn't want DD to watch it .
DD remains quite young for her age compared to her classmates and it's sad to see - she has very little in common with the other girls anymore and often tells me she's lonely.
Should I go against my beliefs and give in and let her have access to social media / unsuitable films etc so that she can maintain a friendship with the girls that used to love all playing together. Or should I stick to my guns even if it means that DD is left out?

I was responding to you, not the OP Trewser. I responded to the OP earlier.

Gosh.

Yeah, i wasn't talking about your situation either when I posted, but you jumped on it like you normally do. I'm sure your dds phone use was fine!

My dd is 9. I think that is far too young for Facebook / Insta etc but there needs to be some compromise. She doesn't have a console and was very much in the minority in year 3&4 that she didn't play Fortnite & I did worry a little about her being alienated a bit then. The Fortnite craze seems to have died down alot now though and isn't really talked about. I do allow her to play Roblox and she watches YouTube channels popular with her age group such as Morgz, Azzieland etc. She can also WhatsApp from my phone. Re Dirty Dancing I'd watched it about that age and wouldn't really be worried about dd watching. The Penny thing just went straight over my head and I thought no more about it. Also not bothered about Friends. Dd has watched quite a few episodes. There's nothing explicit and any of the more adult humour just goes over her head. So, yes, I would allow her some access to roblox/YouTube but Facebook is just crazy and I don't allow access to tiktok due to all the problems mentioned earlier

I feel really sorry for kids exposed to social media at such a young age. There’s an age restriction on it for a reason.
Growing up is hard enough without the added pressures of social media

It’s worth thinking about increased mh issues for teens even, with social media. Let alone younger. If parents said no more often then you wouldn’t have the odd one out scenario.

Thankfully Instagram doesn’t feature here for any dc (Whats app only) and middle child’s friends exert zero peer pressure. I doubt they’re using it but obvs can’t be sure, I haven’t asked and he doesn’t mention it.

There was some nastiness going on on social media in our area, and I saw a parent wondering aloud whether she should stop her child using it or whether that would lead to her being cut off from her peers. I rather wanted to point out that if everyone had taken notice of the age guidelines, nobody would be being left out. That was at least year 7s, not 8 year olds.

I'd be talking to the school - it would be good to see them doing what they can to get parents to see sense. If they can at least get the KS1 parents to think things through, maybe the next cohorts may have better boundaries.

If it really is all the other girls, I'd be considering a school move. If it's actually only some, maybe just stick to your guns and form a united front with other parents who are doing likewise. My daughter went through KS2 with only about 9 girls in the class, and she was only really close friends with one of them, and it was fine. However it wasn't such a big difference - she and her friend just weren't into pop music and TV - I don't think any of them were using social media.

My 8yo is allowed restricted and monitored access to YouTube on the family pc and uses WhatsApp on my phone to message her friend who's gone overseas for a year. I won't allow roblox because I've heard dodgy things about it. We're less strict with age ratings on movies but only with those we've seen ourselves.

This seems to very much be normal around here although some of the kids play Minecraft and talk to each other she plays on the switch and she's not fussed really.

Amongst friends with older kids it seems more around the end of Yr 6 social media becomes a bit of a thing

None of the senior tech guys in California allow their own dc on this stuff. Tells you all you need to know

The 13 yrold age limit is nothing to do with child protection. It us to comply with some American data collection law.

@Dustybun are you not reading what @Wakeupalready and others have said so eloquently about Tiktok? Keeping your DC's account private is half the story. You can't prevent her seeing the (sometimes live) content of any random person on the Tiktok platform. Self-harming, porn.. Don't kid yourself you've protected your DC with a private account.

@Migrainefun I'm so sorry you went through that but I agree with the risks of being exposed to sexual content out of context too young. It's all very regrettable. Thanks for sharing your story.

TIk Tok is being used by some of the Year 6 kids at our school and I’ve yet to hear anything good about it. It really is up to parents to parent their children over the age restrictions and help protect them.

When my youngest was that age, There was a school run sm platform which they could use at home to talk to their schoolfriends on post photos on,. It was monitored in some way. Trying to remember what it was called?

@Dustybun my daughter saw a self harm video on tiktok and whilst it didn't scar her for life, it isn't something I wanted her to watch! She hasn't been allowed on it since.

That is young! My daughter's 9 and none of her friends are on Facebook or Instagram. They don't wear make up either. Yanbu

As a teacher I would say to stick to your guns. The harm we see in schools from this kind of unrestricted tech use is growing.

It’s not really a balanced argument to say that they need it not to be isolated. Social media is very isolating. Adults struggle to cope with online trolling and abuse, teens and children even more so. The platforms are made to addictive. It’s not a case of letting them find their own level.

DD is 3 and sometimes looks at pictures we take on our phones. But she’s not having her own device or access to social media until we’ll into her teens. I’m hoping the world will have moved on by then.

I’d recommend getting her involved in an absorbing hobby- ballet, gymnastics, sports etc. She’ll make friends there. Especially if she goes a lot.

My Dd is 8 and has no access to anything you described. Ok don't even know what tick tock and robolox are! She recently had to sign a ' internet rules' thing from school and I had to explain almost every sentence to her. ' what's social media? What's in appropriate language, what are chat rooms etc'. This stuff just isn't on the radar of most of her peers yet.

Dd is yr6 and she's the only one of her friends to not have a phone. I get asked to send silly photos to her friends parents instead!

Re dirty dancing. We watched it ladt summer. Dd enjoyed the sound track and the dancing. The whole pregnancy/abortion theme went totally over her head. We watched it with her friend (and her mum) but friend is a year older and totally on it.

@Tvstar . That USA data collection law actually exists to protect the privacy of children. It is called COPA - or the Children Online Protection Act. It was legislated to protect minors from harmful material they could be exposed to.
Yes , part of it applies to the data protection of children, but it IS about safeguarding and you are completely wrong in your statement.
The combined reasons of a failure to safeguard and a breach of children's privacy was why TikTok copped such a kick in the arse.

@MsTSwift came to say the same thing. The social media execs don't let their kids on it. The New York Times has written about it a few times. www.nytimes.com/2018/10/26/style/digital-divide-screens-schools.html

The risk of her being a bit excluded from her friend group are not as great as too early exposure to social media and the potential pitfalls. I would say stick to your guns and if possible look for a different school option. 8 is too young and anyway it's against the terms and conditions of most of these apps.

Hmm, my 8 year old plays Roblox - with her friend from school.

She has an iPad and FaceTimes her friends to chat after school, and TikTok with the privacy settings locked down - I have the iPad and give it to her to be used, she isn’t left alone with it.

Re: Dirty Dancing, I wouldn’t mind that either. I can’t remember there being anything especially inappropriate in it, and am pretty sure I was about nine when I watched it

No Facebook or Instagram though.

Yeah this isn’t normal for 8 year olds. I’d move schools. My friend is a relief teacher. She often tells me of the huge differences between schools. Eg. one school . Most 5 year olds have their ears pierced, wear clothing that’s too old for them and would be allowed to watch movies suitable for older kids. The other school is the complete opposite.

Although, looking at this, I think I am going to get rid of Tik Tok - I thought it was totally private and she could not see anything else either.

When my DD first asked about it, I asked on the class chat about it. Most of the other parents said that their DC have it (with privacy settings locked) so I went along with it based on that, as well as not wanting my DD to be left out.

@FlamingoWingo it is one of the worst apps around for predators and inappropriate comment.
The developers know there are holes in the security you can drive a bus through but don't care. Ditching it would be a good idea.
Any app that features any form of live streaming that can be publicly viewed should be avoided like the plague, especially when little kids , girls especially respond in ways they might not normally to gain in popularity and validation from accumulating likes and followers.

Holla, Yubo, LIKEE , and TikTok should be set on fire. So should a number of anonymous chat apps.

For goodness sake she is only 8
Firm rules and you will have a couple of stroppy years then a perfect adult daughter
Let her be influenced badly now and she will be a pain for the rest of your life

That's very unusual situation. I won't allow my 12 years old on social media. The school is also always recommending parents to be watchful that most social media isn't for young kids. Maybe bring the discussion up with her teachers/ headteachers. They might be able to help. On your side you can try to organize activities for the girls that doesn't allow for social media. Nature outings, laser-tag, trampolining, etc where the girls can spend time together without being glued to their phones and helping have other kinds of fun. And stick to your guns. YANBU