To worry that I'm ruining my 8yr old's friendships (Social Media related)

[concernedforthefuture]

DD is 8 and attends a small ish school (only 8 girls in her year group). Over the past year, most of the girls in her year seem to have suddenly grown up and are very much into fashion, make-up, social media (mainly Instagram & TikTok but a couple have Facebook too), YouTube, gaming (Fortnite and Roblox) and watching TV and films that are generally meant for an older audience (such as Friends etc).
I'm afraid that I'm not on board with the social media and don't allow DD to use it. However, it's becoming very apparent that she is very much being left out of social groups because the other girls all chat / share videos outside of school and DD is not part of this. I have also stopped her from going to sleepovers after the last one she was invited to was a to watch Dirty Dancing (a 15!). The parents (host and other attendees') seemed surprised that I didn't want DD to watch it .
DD remains quite young for her age compared to her classmates and it's sad to see - she has very little in common with the other girls anymore and often tells me she's lonely.
Should I go against my beliefs and give in and let her have access to social media / unsuitable films etc so that she can maintain a friendship with the girls that used to love all playing together. Or should I stick to my guns even if it means that DD is left out?

My dd is 11. She was allowed TikTok in yr6 but only to post videos in private. For her friends to see. She put the dog on public - no human faces allowed. But that phase didn’t last. She also got WhatsApp because that’s how the children communicate with eachother. Big yr6 group chat, which has continued albeit overtaken by a vast yr7 (secondary) chat. Dd isn’t particularly interested. She won’t be allowed anything other social media for a while and isn’t asking. Some friends deffo have more and dd was amongst the last to have such things - me a mummy here 😉.

At your dds age, if you can’t move schools (make enquiries) and she is feeling very left out, I would probably allow something similar, but keep a very very watchful eye. Total transparency. Girls, who have social media to communicate at 8 are totally capable of saying horrible things to eachother even if the account is as safe and locked down as possible... and are too naive to protect themselves. Idk what Roblox is exactly as dd isn’t into this stuff. I imagine It to be better than fort nite as an option. Dds friend and younger sister have it along with WhatsApp and they’re 8 and 10.

Isolation can be cruel. I get you don’t want your dd to grow up too fast. But 8 is the age, when girls suddenly start to change in my experience. Dd went off playing with dolls at this sort of age, probably 9.

My dds friend was in a school with around 8/10 girls at school. She said yr5 and 6 were pretty difficult for her dd, who is more naive and less worldly wise than them. Cliques etc. So you do need to know the differences will grow especially if you decide not to allow your dd social media. She had TikTok and WhatsApp btw.

My brother has an eight-year-old girl she is much more grown-up than my seven-year-old boy but she's been playing on gaming devices since she was five, she's never had a proper bedtime, she's into fortnite and has been over a year already. she's basically not treated like a child and in some ways I find that very neglectful and sad.

Last week sister-in-law said they were sat watching Ghostbusters together now I love Ghostbusters I remember watching it when I was a kid and being actively traumatised by it it's quite adult in some of its themes let alone some of the frightening bits it's completely inappropriate for an eight-year-old.

These parents are not going to be doing their children any favours racing to prove who is the coolest parent. peer pressure among parents then creates peer pressure amongst children.

It's crap parenting don't feel bad for having higher standards for yourself and your children than they do

No, I wouldn't allow this. My DD is 7 and none of her friends do any of this stuff. They're little kids, not teenagers.

I'd move schools if you possibly can or make a concerted effort at setting up age-appropriate play dates, e.g. a trip to see Frozen 2 at the cinema, bowling, swimming, Go Ape, round for dinner, soft play...

Oops - me a mummy = mean mummy

Stick to your guns, you & your DD will be relived when the dramas/arguments start on social media which they inevitably will do & she isn’t involved. It puts a lot of pressure on teens I think, social media. Why introduce that at such a young age? I doubt your DD will be affected long term from not having it.

Yanbu. 8 is definitely too young. DD is 10 and loves watching rom com type films with me. I did think she would enjoy dirty dancing til I remembered the abortion scene.

If I were you I would probably relax a bit but aim for a half way mark. I agree she's too young for social media but in all honesty I had watched both Dirty Dancing and Friends at that age and neither had any lasting effect on me, the adult content went way over my head. The only films I would stick really rigidly to the age certificate are violent/horror films because they deeply disturbed me as a child, but she's not going to pick up on the adult content in the things you've mentioned.

It would stand her in better stead for actually making some lasting friendships if it was just social media she didn't have and she wasnt perceived as being the kid with "that mum" - I know children like that definitely had a hard time at my school.

Would it be worth talking to the school?

I would look into finding some other ways to nurture friendships (like extra-currriculars) and at the same time, start having a look-around to see if there are some other schools that might have nicer families using them.

Because my thinking would be, if the parents at these schools are allowing this at eight, what's it going to be like once they are teenagers? It might be a good idea to help her enter some different friendship groups now.

This school culture - or at least this class - isn't a good match for your family. I doubt there's much you can do to change that, even if you give in on this, there'll be something else down the road. 8 is still so young.

I'd be moving dd too. My daughter is a teenager and doesn't have access to most of that stuff. Neither do her friends. Don't compromise your values.

Yes, Trewser, it does have sex and one abortion, that's true, but like you say that would go over most children's heads and are small parts of the film. It's the dancing that would interest them. I know my neighbours girls loved it and were singing and doing the dancing after seeing it on the TV.

The other things the op's daughter encounters seem a lot more dodgy to me.

I'd find her another school.

8! yanbu i was expecting 10 +, but i dont allow my 10 yr old to watch 15's

I got given Dirty Dancing for my 9th birthday and it took me about six years to realise what was going on with Penny!

My mum can't work out what she was thinking but I just watched the dancing bits over and over and ignored most of the rest.

8!! My DS has just turned 9 and got his first tablet. It is heavily restricted and i have to put PINS it if he even tries to access anything extra.
He wanted fortnite for his birthday and was told 'No' - no exceptions, no whining. I got him minecraft instead.

We were walking home from school other day and a girl in his class was on her phone (!) she said to DS if you had a phone we could message each other. DS turned to me and I aid 'No chance, you are far too young'. I got a sideways glance from the adult with her but I do not care. He very rarely goes anywhere without an adult so has no need for a phone. That will change in a year or so but not right now. I am currently looking for a way to download a messaging app on his tablet so he can message me and his dad when we are away from him again this will be heavily restricted and no-one but us will have the ability to message him (hopefully).

With regard to facebook, there is a 13+ age restriction on this and I can only assume parents/children themselves are setting up their own accounts using fake DOB's. This is very dangerous as it will show them as being 18 when it reality they are 13 (8+5).

Yanbu

Oh and as for the 15 films - heck no. I watch Friends a lot and I have had to start restricting that As I didn't realise how many sexual references there were in it.

Disney and Ryan's toy review are favorites in our house

I'm another one for moving schools. My DD is in yr 6 and what you describe is NOT common in her year let alone when she was 8!

She has a phone , first time this year, and has roblox and WhatsApp both are monitored and controlled by me. With the odd exception this is consistent with her peers.

Social media is 13+.

The 8 year olds you describe are not typical and have been badly let down by their parents IMO.

Ghostbusters? my kids have been watching that since younger than 8.

TikTok keeping your account private means people won't see your child.

But they can see live streaming and content from everyone, not just their friends.

So you're allowing your child to see porn potentially. There is NO moderation on this Chinese platform!

People keep missing this point but seriously, it's a big deal.

Worriedmum
I get that. Dd and I have had discussions. But thank you for reminding me. I think we will talk about it again.

Our kids signed an optional “contract” when they were about 7 - sent from school - agreeing to no social media and no mobile phone for the duration of primary school. About a third of the class signed it which was enough to reassure my kids that they weren’t alone. It also meanS when they come to me and say “but EVERYONE has Instagram” or whatever, I can remind them that it’s not true and at least a third of the class are in the same boat they are.

It doesn’t help you OP, but just demonstrates that there are schools and communities out there with a different ethos. I think you are doing the right thing on protecting your daughter.

People let's their DC have access to all sorts of stuff these days, it's more common I've found for them to have no restrictions. When DD was 9 the school had to bring in the police and social workers to talk through social media with parents and the kids after some terrible bullying and porn incidents.
YANBU , stick to your guns on the phones and other online devices.

I would be asking the school to do some awareness work with parents on the dangers of social media for under 13s.

You are the norm in not wanting this.

My daughter is 8 in a one form entry school and I’ve started to notice girls in her class becoming more ‘mature’. There was a party two weeks ago and girls who were her closest friends a few years ago were walking round looking at phones whereas my DD was racing round with the boys - we were at soft play!

I don’t worry that her friendship group is changing. DH and I have always been keen on placing her in different clubs so she goes to Brownies, gymnastics, dance, cross country and now learns an instrument. All these different activities provide her with lots of opportunities to meet different children so she can see that being a girl isn’t all about being ‘pretty’ and gossiping.

It’s difficult but I just couldn’t compromise my own values for popularity. DH and I are teachers so we have pretty strong views on social media!

Nope not the same in my children school either.
Dirty Dancing is not a 15 i would let m 10 year old watch now. Thinking back to 8 there are some i would let them watch and some 12A's that his friends parents have taken them to see or let them watch. But its been a film e.g Pixels which is really quite tame. At 8 there were some 15's i had let them watch (Tremors is the only example i can think of, but I'm sure theres been more) but mostly these are older films i know well and know the content of. So the swearing for me isn't an issue, whilst drug taking or sex is. But theres no way i would invite another child to watch it, thats not my place, i would even now, still ask about a 12a.
Its about knowing your child and whats appropriate for your child, although a botched abortion and underage sex i cannot see how anyone would think thats a good idea for their kids friends. I did take mine to the cinema for a special halloween ghostbusters showing a few years ago, but i know they aren't scared by it, again i wouldn't take my children friends.

I would start to think about secondary schools and where you want your daughter to be, and try to place her in a primary that stands her in good stead for friends for moving up.