To worry that I'm ruining my 8yr old's friendships (Social Media related)

[concernedforthefuture]

DD is 8 and attends a small ish school (only 8 girls in her year group). Over the past year, most of the girls in her year seem to have suddenly grown up and are very much into fashion, make-up, social media (mainly Instagram & TikTok but a couple have Facebook too), YouTube, gaming (Fortnite and Roblox) and watching TV and films that are generally meant for an older audience (such as Friends etc).
I'm afraid that I'm not on board with the social media and don't allow DD to use it. However, it's becoming very apparent that she is very much being left out of social groups because the other girls all chat / share videos outside of school and DD is not part of this. I have also stopped her from going to sleepovers after the last one she was invited to was a to watch Dirty Dancing (a 15!). The parents (host and other attendees') seemed surprised that I didn't want DD to watch it .
DD remains quite young for her age compared to her classmates and it's sad to see - she has very little in common with the other girls anymore and often tells me she's lonely.
Should I go against my beliefs and give in and let her have access to social media / unsuitable films etc so that she can maintain a friendship with the girls that used to love all playing together. Or should I stick to my guns even if it means that DD is left out?

Yeah, I would also be talking to the school.

The parents at this school sound incredibly stupid. Perhaps they need a wakeup call.

YANBU. I refuse to let me dd use tiktok or fb etc and she's 11.

I would stick to your guns and encourage other friendship, outside school.

I’m at letting children so young unlimited access to those SM platforms/youtube/films. I think it’s very damaging, esp with the girls due to the content (often mysogin, , focused on looks etc etc) :(

This is really sad but I’m not sure all that uncommon . My 9 and 11 year olds school friends have been playing fort nite for a couple of years , watch all sorts of films ( or say they do ) - all sorts of stuff on YouTube . My 11 year old has never been that bothered about not following the crowd , my 9 year old is less self confident. I’m not sure what the answer is - but I don’t think it’s giving in and letting your daughter watch this stuff! My younger one finds his way into the crowd through football ... maybe give some thought to how your daughter can access some friends at school .. maybe through clubs ?

It’s been 12 years since I was 8-bloody hell it wasn’t like that back then!

Where are you op? I live in centralish London, and my year 4 child is becoming increasingly out of step with others who play fortnite etc and watch 12 and 15s. It seems that nearly all of the boys have seen all the avengers films etc. A friend moved somewhere up north recently and said that the kids were ways less exposed to these types of things .
I am trying to find a balance by looking at things on a case by case basis. I use common sense media. For example he has roblox and mine craft, but on roblox I have to approve each game(some are fine others not).
I would try and find appropriate snippets of what the girls are watching on youtube etc and allow her to watch so they have some common ground(a friend told me her children are addicted to a baking youtube poster!?!).
It feels a constant battle against a slippery slope of ever increasingly inappropriate material, and I def think you are right to hold your ground, while finding areas of compromise. Dirty dancing is insane, but I'm not at all surprised sadly.
Goodluck. X

We had a party recently for ds age 10, we went to a restaurant after the activity, those who had their own phones were at a massive disadvantage socially, they were unable to interact without their phones. Those including ds who don't have phones had a lovely time chatting, being silly, being 10 year old boys. I would say the ones with phones were the ones who were disadvantaged socially.

My dd is 13yo, she watches tiktok but hasn't got an account, she doesn't have any other social media.

I'm holding off until she is 14yo at least and it doesn't seem to have affected her friendships at all.

8yos should be playing not worrying about social media!

This is all sorts of wrong OP. My dd is 12 and has no social media. She doesn’t want it so no pestering here. As a consequence, however, none of her old primary school friends are bothered with her because they all have WhatsApp and she doesn’t. She has a phone but no, no WhatsApp no contact. It’s pathetic and I blame the parents.

My 9 year old does watch YouTube but I vet every site she visits and devices are only allowed in our living room. The same applies to the 12 year old. Am I strict? Yes. Do I care? No.

There was a huge problem with bullying and WhatsApp at school when dd was in y6. The class teacher told me that I needed to make sure dd was careful on WhatsApp. I said there was no need: she didn’t have WhatsApp because she was 10. The teacher was shocked!

(FWIW I saw Dirty Dancing when I was 8 - when it came out on video - but had no idea what it was actually about until I was well into my teens)

'Personally I'd move schools to somewhere with bigger class sizes where 8 year old girls aren't standardly allowed to watch 15s.'

This. There's keeping up with a child's social group and there's exposing them to lifestyles much too 'old' for their age. My older two are 14 and 12 and they don't: play Fortnite, have SM (apart from WhatsApp, which we've only just allowed), watch 15s (or 16s, as it is in the country we are in). They watch crap on YouTube, but it's wholesome crap (iyswim). I'd be removing any child of mine sharpish from a circle where this sort of thing was ubiquitous at EIGHT.

Winifred I really don’t think this is a regional thing. I’m in the north and believe me, young dc are exposed to inappropriate things here just as much as they are in London.

Stick to your guns op, there is plenty of time for movies and social media and apps etc when she is older...plus at 8 is too young to cope with the crap that you come across on social media and the trolls...and I agree she is too young for dirty dancing...

She is your daughter, don't compromise on your rules just because other parents are more LAX on how they raise their kids

8!!!??? You definitely are not being unreasonable, bloody hell.

Who on earth gives an 8 year old access to SM? My 14 year old has very carefully controlled access and thats only since last year. Do people even look at what's on some of these sites ?

I think there needs to be a middle ground. Times are changing which is annoying, but I also wouldn't like to impact on my child's ability to make friends or be involved.

I'd probably let her have Instagram only as long as I could check it and follow her on it, restricted YouTube and I'd still let her go to sleep overs. I personally dont think Dirty Dancing is the worst film to watch (I watched it myself at that age and I'm fine), but maybe say to parents to keep films rated at a 12. Or, you host sleepovers and only offer 12s/PG.

I am having exactly the same thing with my DTDs age 9. I also know that their friends are on social media and not just saying it because they all friend request me!! They feel like they are always being left out and are - in their words "babies". I disagree and am sticking to my guns

Genuinely though, why does an 8 year old want to be on Instagram? What do they actually get from it? An understanding that their worth in the world is based on their looks.

OP - try to disregard what your DD tells you and speak to the parents. My daughter was sure her friends were texting each other and arranging stuff after school; when I checked with the parents these kids didn't even have credits in their phones and only used them for playing games on. So it might not be an 'all the girls in my class' thing at all.

There are age restrictions on these things for a reason. I would be talking to the school about doing more e-safety training with parents. They need to be exposed to the hardcore training, that trainers have to undergo, not the water-downed version. The school could ask if an ambassador would be willing to work with the parents and not be time constraint.

And to let everyone know, it's not just schools that can do e-safety training. Any community group can do them as long as they have the equipment, and are free. Or at least that was the policy of ceop a few years ago, and anyone charging could be reported.

I'm in a similar situation with my almost 10 year old. It's really really difficult because it does set her apart from her friends. She's going to a sleepover party next week and knows that the other girls there will all be on their phones (she doesn't have one yet and won't until she goes off to secondary).

These other girls have got iPhones and are all on social media (Facebook, Instagram, tik tok).

Totally stick to your guns, 8yo is too young for any of that. My daughter turns 8 soon and she knows there is no point in asking for a phone or anything like that as it'll be a no, and she only really asks because her sister has them. But even for her sister (who's 11), I find it all exhausting. She has WhatsApp and Instagram but her Instagram is on my phone with other access. Ticktok we banned about 6 weeks ago due to its content - I found her watching self harm videos which one of her "friends" had tagged her in, so that was the end of that. But the biggest gripe is whatsap. If they have a fallout at school, it spills out into messages after school. My daughter has many activities, and has a strict bedtime so there have been many occasions I've had to answer my daughters messages to tell her friends she isn't available, or they think she's ignoring them. Then there's the late night texts. She's in bed for 8:30, no later and she often receives messages later than this - I hear them coming through as her phone is downstairs after bedtime. We often have phone bans if she misbehaves or I've found an argument on WhatsApp. So it's soooo not worth all the hassle!

The idea of young children being in effect segregated from their peers because they don’t have something they shouldn’t actually have makes my blood boil. It’s bullying: there’s no other word for it. And if parents are enabling that then quite frankly they are part of the problem. In fact they are the problem.

My dd1 has been completely cut off due to not having WhatsApp, something she doesn’t even want (There’s other things I want to do than read hundreds of stupid messages, mum”). The parents of these so-called friends have facilitated this. I’m so sufficiently angry that I’ve made the decision to distance myself from the parents, too.

I think it's hard in the small school. But I would stick to my principle.
Movies, I would let my dc watch it if I think it's fine, regardless of age ratings. But not social media. I made it clear that they need to wait until they can make an account without parent's consent. They can watch stuff like you tube, but in the place I can keep an eye, never allowed any internet access upstairs on their own.

Forgot to mention about films. I remember watching dirty dancing and gremlins when I was a kid.
I remember a few years ago on here gremlins been recommended for kids to watch. I'd even let my own watch it without thinking. Was surprised to find it a 15 at a later date.

I wouldn't stop them seeing each other at their house based on one film. Sometimes we put films on without thinking because we were shown them as children.

And there doesn't seem to be a watershed anymore. On sky one, for example, Simpsons, some episodes are 15. Yet prime time, 6pm Sunday back to back Simpsons.
Paramount channel, Friends weekends starting from 9am.

Mistakes over what we expose children to happen. It happened to us. Look at some of the lyrics/meanings of songs that your parents enjoyed when you were children.

I'm not saying hey lets deliberately expose children to things, of course not. Those are the ones that need support. Like these parents because they are ignoring the age restrictions that come up as part of the sign-up process.

Accidental exposure you deal with on an individual basis. And like op I would be looking at alternatives to this batshittery.

Mine went on phones, consoles, you name it. Nothing belonged to them as individuals it was mine or ours depending on the item. They had no accounts other than basics like consols. It was supervised. And places like youtube with their 'filtering systems' I searched for content because unless you have a child youtube app, stuff gets through. Although last time I heard about the child app even that had some content issues.
Sometimes they would take pictures and post them on my account. Othertimes would use my accounts to talk to their friends and family. I am not against children having access it will happen eventually whether you know about it or not. It's educating about safety and not oversharing. Yea I'm talking to you, Ian and Tracey sitting on your sofa at home, having a chat on fb with each other.

NONE of that is standard for her age! FB and Tik Tok are supposed to be for 13+, Roblox and Fortnits 12+ and while my 10 year old is occasionally allowed to watch a 12 movie depending on what it is 15 is too old for & year olds. As is social media. Most of our Dcs 9/10 year olds don’t have phones or access to social media.
I’d be looking at new friendship grps or a school for her. Even YouTube is full of content not suitable for kids. And as for Dirty Dancing - has anyone explained to these kids what an abortion is or did they miss that key storyline in the film?

It's quite ridiculous, and frightening really, that those other girls,are allowed to use what they do at their ages.Maybe just the start of getting addicted to all this social media stuff.

I would stay as you are with your young daughter.she will then become her own person later, and not be following all the others like sheep.