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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and money

226 replies

Theanswertoitallis · 23/10/2019 08:07

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
nuxe1984 · 24/10/2019 17:47

She obviously doesn't trust you thinks if it's in your name you'll spend the money!

Tell her to set up an account that is held in trust until DC is 18. Then no-one can touch it.

Fingbackoffthehormonalwoman · 24/10/2019 17:50

@Theanswertoitallis

She sounds like an A grade control freak & tbh I’d be telling her to keep in her own lane. When my DD was born my mum was trying to be super controlling & even tried to get my kid to call her mum a few times Angry - I had none of it & told her without any doubt to back the hell away!

If you allow her to open her own account please make sure that she doesn’t go ahead & give the account details to other family members to be paying their gifts into otherwise she could end up years down the line taking credit for all the money in there.

B9ddy · 24/10/2019 17:53

Your child your business
She wants the tax advantages

sophiestew · 24/10/2019 17:53

I would be limiting contact with this woman - she sounds unhinged.

CherryPavlova · 24/10/2019 18:01

She wants to save for her grandchildren. That’s surely a nice thing. She wants to ensure it remains for her grandchild in the event of you and your husband separating.
That sounds quite reasonable but not something you’d necessarily say openly to your daughter in law who seems not to like her very much.
Let her open an account then every will be happy. In truth, it’s not your mother in law who feels controlling. Jabbing fingers isn’t nice though.

Becles · 24/10/2019 18:07

Get her to open a pension fund for DC. The compound interest accrued by age 18 would be worth a bundle and she has the reassurance that you won't be able to access it (neither can she Wink )

Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 24/10/2019 18:10

@CherryPavlova obviously you don't know our history here but can I ask why you think I'm controlling in this case? I've said multiple times I have no issue with her opening an account I just want to keep the account I have already opened in mine and dd name. I'm not sure how that makes me controlling 🧐

OP posts:
Original poster
Theanswertoitallis · 24/10/2019 18:10

Oh and even if dh and I were to separate I'm not going to go dipping into my own daughters account 😂

OP posts:
Emmak789 · 24/10/2019 18:14

Why does it have to be an ISA? She can open any number of savings accounts. Post office, building society, bank, credit unions or premium bonds all have various saving options. Ask if she can open something separate and asked DH to go with her to make sure she doesnt set up some dodgy tax avoidance scheme.

If this is first grand child I can sort of understand why she is being so precious about it, I think she is just trying to do something nice and had her heart set on it so is being a bit weird.

hairtodaygonetoday · 24/10/2019 18:16

@emmak789 yes I think she is opening one with another bank now (I'm staying well out of it tbh! I'll be keeping the ISA and account I opened in dd and my name and she is welcome to do whatever she wants in regards to her account)

hairtodaygonetoday · 24/10/2019 18:16

Oops name change fail 😂

helpasisterout · 24/10/2019 18:23

What a rocket! You get to do all the 'firsts' as it's YOUR baby!! Get your DH to sternly tell her to wise up.

My grandparents just gave money to my parents to put in my account that they set up for me as a baby which I think is pretty standard! This money was discussed openly and given to me to buy and insure my first wee car.

They also opened a policy each for me and my sister with the Prudential which my parents knew about and paid in £20 a month each for us to have when she passed away which was really lovely and as we are grown ups we carefully considered what to spend/save it on/for. So this is an option if she doesn't want to just set up a monthly direct debit to the account you have opened.

danipea · 24/10/2019 18:29

I think having separate saving accounts for your daughter are a lovely idea. When I was 21 my Grandparents gave me a post office savings account book with quite a lot of money in it. What a fantastic 21st birthday present. They did this for all the grandchildren and we all appreciated it. I would let her open an account for your daughter but maybe go with her so that you can get the birth certificate straight back if you are concerned about loosing it.

Jeleste · 24/10/2019 18:32

I think its a good idea for her to open her own account. I actually did that when my goddaughter was born. I put money on it every now and then especially on special occasions and i plan to give her the account on her 18th birthday. She will receive a lump sum like this and its easier for me to put a little bit of money away each month than to scrape together a huge amount when she turns 18.
Her attitude towards you is completely unreasonable though. And she cant expect you to sign the current account over to her. Tell her to just open her own elsewhere.

Queenlatifahsleftboob · 24/10/2019 18:36

New banking rules were brought in about 18 months ago, and I'm certain that only a parent (or guardian) can now open an account on behalf of a child, so she wouldn't be able to open one anyway.

It's to prevent money laundering where people were using children's accounts to push money through, hence the crack down.

Commonwasher · 24/10/2019 18:41

My mother in law was the same. She asked us to set up an account for each of our two children specifically for her to pay into. We obviously said thank you what a kind thought etc. Hubby then said we have accounts for them and we would pass on the details if she would like them but she said ‘no I want to pay into my own account so my money doesn’t get mixed up with money from other families’. I think she means my mum who left them each grandchild a few hundred in her will. We said we prefer to keep one account for each child - less complicated and it’s not like my mum will be paying in further money as she has died :O( That amount is effectively ring-fenced. She said she would not pay into an account if it’s not just for her. So the offer was taken back.

Not sure what’s behind it. Can’t imagine it’s her attempt to squirrel money. I think it was kindly meant but I find it strange to want to give money but also keep control of it.

user1492450936 · 24/10/2019 18:46

Maybe she wants to be able to give your dd a decent pot of money for something important at some time in the future and wants your dd to know it's from her, not just from a melange of sources

Surfskatefamily · 24/10/2019 18:47

Yes my dad did this for my son although I've opened him an isa. Funny though that his parents opened one for me which I never saw a penny of the money. They just used to try and control me with promises of future money.

Surfskatefamily · 24/10/2019 18:48

Just to note...I'd be very grateful. However my dad is very controlling and his wife even more so. I don't trust them .

Most grandparents I honestly think will be doing this to be kind and loving.

Celestine70 · 24/10/2019 18:49

She's a control freak? Totally crazy. Don't let her have the birth certificate does she think it's her baby 😂

gwackywacky · 24/10/2019 18:50

I think it's weird having all these ISAs and people not giving gifts but giving money that goes into savings accounts when your kid is only a baby.
I do totally get that it makes complete sense and its practical etc I just find it a bit weird too

Your MIL sounds like a fruit loop

Zoejj77 · 24/10/2019 18:51

Bloody weird - send it to her isa or gift it to her when she’s older. What she wants to do is so strange and her attitude to you is even worse

saraclara · 24/10/2019 18:51

@Commonwasher, lots of us have said that we'd like our own accounts for grandchildren so that we can eventually give them a large gift of money when they actually need it many years from now. I don't think that's controlling at all. It's our money that we want to give directly to the child.

Parents who insist on us putting our gifts into a joint pot, are the ones being controlling, surely?

ToftyAC · 24/10/2019 18:57

Your MIL sounds truly vile. I would think she wants the credit, the control and the tax advantage. I do not believe you are being unreasonable at all. She is most definitely batshit 😳

TriciaH87 · 24/10/2019 18:59

She's either trying to get her hands on the cash or after the tax break of claiming the money is for your child. My mum set accounts for my kids when lost my gran. Her having access has meant she has used a lot of it since the cash ran out. My nieces money went to my sibling. Theirs is safe. My kids however will end up with nothing.

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