Mil and money

[Theanswertoitallis]

So I can't even believe I'm posting this as it's so ridiculous but need to check I'm not being UR.

I had a baby recently and obviously we are just finding our feet etc. Our dd has received a lot of presents and cash (especially from my side who are abroad). We don't really need the money (would be nice of course but we don't need it and we have all the baby bits) so it was mentioned by dh that we would set up a bank account for her and put the money in that. Just for background accounts have to be opened in a child and adult (guardians) name. Aunties and uncles etc all said great and that they'd send money directly to that (atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask 🤦🏻‍♀️). Mil heard of this plan and said she also wanted to open an account to put money into, tbh I couldn't why a separate one was needed. I said oh yes we are opening an account and mil became quite aggressive saying she wanted to be the named adult on the account. I dropped the subject as frankly it was a silly argument and I couldn't care less if mil wants to open another account. Seems pointless to me but whatever!

Last week I went into the bank and opened an isa and a savings account. The isa has a very good rate for kids and they can only have one of these accounts. When I got home mil was there visiting dd and heard my conversation with dh. She has now thrown a huff. She wanted to open that exact account for our daughter and as you are only allowed one of this isa she says we have been unfair. DH pointed out it was done now and I have already opened it. Mil then said it was only because 'she got there first as she had the birth certificate' (jabbing her finger towards me)! Well obviously as I gave birth to the child I have the birth certificate!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway she then made excuses to having plans and left. She has text dh since asking if we could change the ISA into her and dd name and if not then for the birth certificate so she can open another account. She is saying she wants to save monthly for dd. AIBU to think this is all ridiculous? Brilliant she wants to save for dd but I'm not sure why there has to be a different account. Like I've said if she wants to open one I don't mind just find it odd! But I do think she's UR to throw a huff that i opened the ISA for my own child (especially as it will get the most money so dd will benefit most from this way). AIBU? Apologies if this makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Edited by MNHQ

Your child, your choice. If she wants her own account for her Grand Child (she is not the parent here) then she can go ahead and find any number of accounts to work with. Just not this account, and I would not be allowing her access to any account that you, your family or any others will be contributing to.

I think she is more about the power and control than wanting to save for YOUR Child.

I'm really glad you got the Child ISA. Don't be pressurised - easy for me to say - but I hope you stand your ground. And as someone has already said "trust your instincts".

Either she doesn't trust you not to spend all of 'her' money...or she wants to be able to dip into it when she wants! She's BU by getting shitty about you opening an account for your own child. But if she wants to open a separate one, let her crack on!

I genuinely do not believe mil would steal from us however I would not feel comfortable with mil having access to an account other family members (mainly my side) are paying into. And obviously dd is my child so the account will be staying in my name. Mil can have her own account if she wants. I think @madisoncat has hit the nail on the head that she would like the credit more than she would like to save for dd (not saying this is every gp who opens an account but in the case of mil it fits!). Anyway she can do as she likes in regards to another account, anything that benefits dd is great 😊 if further down the line it becomes an issue with control and dd then we will deal with that then. Tbh currently we have such a low contact relationship with dd I can't see her being able to use it to dd detriment. To explain myself what I mean is I can't see her using at as a carrot over dd head.

Also I say ' my name ' but the account is 100000% in dd name and mine as guardian :-) My understanding is that the bank will write to dd when she is older and she will take control then :-)

My mother raided my childhood savings account so I don’t think she’s being unreasonable for wanting it in her name. But putting money into a savings account at birth isn’t much better than just burning the money.

Haven't read the full thread but she sounds totally unhinged. My mum set up an account for DD. Difference is, she asked if we were setting one up/had done so and offered that she would do it for us if we wanted. We agreed because we hadn't got around to making an appointment. She set up the account after I gave her the birth certificate (and permission). One account for DD is all we need, and my mum, DP and myself will all put money into the one account.

Your MIL is trying to exert control over you and your child. I guarantee if she sets up an account for your child, accessing money from it will be a nightmare. Your reasons won't be 'good enough', your child's reasons won't be 'good enough'. She'll use it to control you.

Let her set up an account to save for your child, but don't let it be under your child's name if she's the name holder on the account. Hopefully she realises she's being petty and all the money goes into the one jar.

I have accounts in my kids' names but also my mum has accounts for them. The only involvement in those is that I gave her the BC.

Don't do anything with the ISA but allow her to open an account for her own savings if she wants. If you think that she might be weird later on, make sure relatives send money to your account so you can allocate it to the ISA (I only say that because it's a pain in the arse if you go over the allowance!)

I’d be happy for my in-laws to open an account for any of my kids , I’d suggest you or dh go with her with the birth certificate and let her open what ever she likes ( initial an ISA) if she pays the money in and dips in what’s the harm? It is her money after all . I’m
Guessing she wants to present your dd with the whole amount at sometime .

Your mil wants the account so she can control your child.

Having read some of the thread it's clear your MIL is a control freak and not content with trying to control your DH (for ease my ass) she is now trying to control your DD.

This is not only unreasonable but quite worrying for future issues and I'm struggling to understand why you find this whole thing so amusing?

By all means be calm but you need to deal with her and tell her you find her behaviour overbearing and she needs to moderate her behaviour.

I dare say you DH is rubbish at standing up to her because it's his normal but it shouldn't be yours.

Maybe she just wants to make sure daughter gets the money she's putting in.. Can't see problem of her opening another account to reassure herself

@gwackywacky
I do see what you mean and I don’t doubt she is motivated by kindness. I wasn’t trying to be controlling, I just thought the children have accounts, which, bar the amount from my mum, are unused. I expect we must have come across rather ungrateful which was not the intention. We did both thank her profusely for the suggestion that she give them money. I’d have willingly provided their birth certificates if she wanted to sort the bank stuff. I suspect the over-long and stressy trip to the bank to set up their accounts in the first place with both children in tow probably put me off going back to set up further ones. My mum had only died a month before, and I know I felt prickly about MIL’s comments about not wanting her money ‘mixed up’ with my mum’s gift. I just thought a gift is a gift, life is too short.

shes batshit!

very controlling and you are absolutely right to not engage

My mum wanted to open an account for DS which I was fine with, she’d been putting away money for a long time (I think in an account she already owned in her own name)
She wanted me to open it with my name and guardian so there wouldn’t be any problems if she were to die I know, she’s a bit maudlin about sorting out her finances and paperwork ‘before she goes’. She’s only 75.....but I suppose it’s better to be organised.
Problem is she wants one that I can’t touch......it’s made me feel like shit that she doesn’t trust me and as a result I haven’t given her the account number yet. I have a monthly saver that fully transfers into a JISA once a year. The ISA is untouchable but the feeder account has a 30 or 90 day wait to remove money. It’s safe but not to her standards and offers of the government savings account in his name also isn’t good enough so she can keep saving how she is currently and if she changes her mind, I’ll give her bank details she can use.
She’s not mentioned it for years but she does talk about putting money away for him so we’ll see.
In all other ways she’s a doting normal granny though, just went a bit power crazy about money.

There are some really nasty posts on here (not the OP's) from people who see all sorts of weird motives in Grandparents opening their own accounts for the money that they ultimately want their grandchildren. Controlling, wanting the tax break for themselves, wanting to put their hands in the pot - all sorts of reasons that are highly unlikely.

Your MIL is trying to exert control over you and your child. I guarantee if she sets up an account for your child, accessing money from it will be a nightmare. Your reasons won't be 'good enough', your child's reasons won't be 'good enough'. She'll use it to control you.

WTF?I've never heard of parents asking to access their child's savings from Grandma. If Grandma is saving her own money in order to give it to the grandchild for uni, then that's absolutely her business. The money is HERS and the grandchild's - not the parents'.
And in that situation it totally makes sense for a grandparent to open an account in the child's name rather than wait until the grandchild is 18 and gift it. It insures against the grandparent dying before they can give it, or the money being used for grandparent's care.
It doesn't make that money the parent's money.

I've hardly seen anyone show any appreciation for the grandparents gesture in putting THEIR money aside for the grandchild's future, btw..

I bet it did. however unco-operative they appeared to be, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.
You can be forgiven given that you were 16, I suppose. Buts surely now you see that that was a bad idea?

@saraclara What else was @LittleOwl153 meant to do? Commit an offense? Her father told her to ignore the HMRC letter!

It was shitty of them to put her in that position.

@Motoko I've already answered that. Read the thread.

Totally fine for her to want a separate account that she saves into for your child and gets the kudos from when she hands it over at 18/21/whatever age. My grandparents did the same for me and my parents are doing the same for my children.
Totally not fine for her to be annoyed you opened an account for your own child before she did! And totally not fine to try to demand she has rights over the exact same account you've decided to open.
She can open a separate account. It can even be an ISA so long as she checks that between the two accounts there isn't more than your child's individual allowance per year (my parents check how much we've put in for the year and top up accordingly without going over the limit).
It's really not that difficult and she's being ridiculous making a fuss about it and v rude the way she's spoken to/about you for doing a perfectly normal thing as a mother. We have an account for gifts from other people, an ISA for regular savings from us and my parents have another ISA that they regularly save into for each child. I've no idea what parents in law do if anything! Pegasus she doesn't understand she can just open another account elsewhere (giving the benefit of the doubt?)?

atm its a bit awkward with sending money from their country so they tend to send cash over when one person visits, don't ask

Use Western Union. They can pay it online and you can pick it up within 10 minutes at an agent's, then bank it straight away.

My grandparents opened accounts for us as we lived away and allegedly they put money in for Christmas and birthdays. I remember as a teen being told they were silver or gold accounts. My parents divorced and for a number of years we didn't have contact. I started talking to them at 19. The bank accounts were never mentioned and we never got our money.

So your mil might be wanting control of who and when the money gets spent. There would be nothing stopping her before your dd is 18 in taking the money out.

I've already answered that. Read the thread.

I posted that while reading the thread. Now I've seen your answer, I see you're still blaming @LittleOwl153. She didn't ask the bank to transfer it, she said
At which point the bank transferred the account into my name as I was old enough without any reference to my GP except a letter telling them they had done it.

The bank did that, because she was then of the age when it transferred to her.

LittleOwl153 was completely blameless.

@FelicisNox I can honestly say I'm not amused but just used to this with mil ! I find it best not to engage and let her crack on. She can only affect me and my family if I allow her. Atm (and continuing after this) we have very little contact and dd will have little to do with her so I am not overly concerned about her controlling dd. My dh did used to be poor at noticing her behaviour or excusing it but over the last few years he has been nothing short of amazing :-) he has defended me to the hilt and discusses everything with me. When he sent the copy of the birth certificate it was entirely with my agreement, we have no issue with mil opening her own bank account.

@saraclara I agree. Easy for me to say though, my parents are completely normal and I have no PIL.

I'm not seeing the problem with her opening an account and not wanting to pay into the central account you deem. This is a fairly common thing for grandparents to do. And for people saying she wants the money, eh? The money she paid in?!

Just order a copy of the birth certificate (which will be handy for other times) or if you don't want to do that, one of you goes with her to open to the account. No need to say you don't trust her with the birth certificate. Why not a nice outing for her and her son?

There is an issue about the drama about the ISA. I am assuming that it's not that she spent ages researching it, then told your DH/you she was going to open that particular account, and then you went yourself to open it yourself? If that were the case, I can see she'd be very upset. If it isn't, she's being a drama queen. But one of those times to rise above it.

Op you said that family members from abroad may send money for your child with someone. Are you concerned MIL will get her mitts on that money first? My mil was good at doing that and only passing it on when she was good and ready.