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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

317 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 22/10/2019 20:38

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

OP posts:
StrawberryGoo · 22/10/2019 20:41

We do this as well! I like it and wouldn’t want to only have shared money.

CAG12 · 22/10/2019 20:43

We do this too. One joint account that we oay a set amount in, then the rest of our wage is our own. I wouldnt have it any other way

Thankssomuch · 22/10/2019 20:45

Of course it’s absolutely fine. Only a fool would think it isn’t fine.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/10/2019 20:46

Many people on here have joint finances but then have a separate personal spends account, like you.

Do you end up with different amounts in your individual accounts OP?

EskewedBeef · 22/10/2019 20:46

It wouldn't work for us. The inconvenience of having to work out proportions of bills, everyday expenses like groceries, essentials and presents for children etc would be such a bind. We're aiming for the same things together, so it makes sense to do it as a oner.

But it's your life, so of course doing what you prefer isn't wrong.

Lazypuppy · 22/10/2019 20:47

I'm same as you OP!!

PinkiOcelot · 22/10/2019 20:49

We don’t have shared money either. Perfectly normal in my opinion but a definite no no on MN!! You’re not properly married blah blah!!

1Morewineplease · 22/10/2019 20:49

There’s a thread at the moment where wifey has £100 at the end of the month and hubby has £1250. Hubby thinks she ought to earn more money.
It angers me and smacks of financial abuse.
However... if you’re both able to put a few quid away, after joint discussions, once all obligations are met, then why not . Everyone is entitled to a treat. But... if you’re a couple then this needs to be discussed. Hoarding money behind your partner is not on... unless you’re planning an escape.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 22/10/2019 20:49

Yep, same as you Op. We share a bills/grocery account and transfer the same percentage of our pay into it. The rest is ours to do what we like with.

PennyNotSoWise · 22/10/2019 20:51

I think it's fine if that's what you agree and what works for you.

I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

It's great that you can afford that on your wages. But on the kind of threads you mention, the OP can't, usually because she's had to go PT to sort the children, housework, etc and is left with pittance at the end of it. It's not exactly fair for a husband to be earning loads whilst watching his wife struggle and not have any enjoyment, is it?

HollowTalk · 22/10/2019 20:53

I think as long as it's fair, it's fine. If one partner stops work then it's no good saying that you should have your own money. There have been tons of threads on here where the guy has been really well off and the woman has gone part-time or stopped work (as agreed between them) and then she's left buying secondhand shoes while he gets his hand-made.

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/10/2019 20:54

Same as you OP. I wouldn't have it any other way.

honeylulu · 22/10/2019 20:54

Joint account for household/kids stuff paid into proportionately, everything else is separate/our own. We both work FT in professional jobs (so no big differences in lifestyle spends). If one was SAHP or PT I accept we'd need a different arrangement.

I like being accountable to no one but myself!

DramaAlpaca · 22/10/2019 20:54

We do it the opposite way round. All income goes into one account then we transfer the same amount to our own accounts for personal spending. How much that is has varied over the years, depending on how flush we've been, but I've been able to build up a decent 'running away' fund Wink because I save.

We are a team & sharing our finances this way means that we are equal, even though he earns a lot more than me. We both think it's fair.

Winebottle · 22/10/2019 20:55

We have our own accounts as well. It is good because we both spend money on things the other thinks is a waste so we need some "do what you want money".

I would still say all our money is joint ultimately. If one of us was in the shit and the other had money, we would share. If it was happening consistently, we would renegotiate who pays what do it is really just a method of budgeting the joint money.

Wildorchidz · 22/10/2019 20:57

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Vulpine · 22/10/2019 21:01

Agree with wild orchid. Its about financial abuse.

SunshineAngel · 22/10/2019 21:01

Yes, it is absolutely fine to have your own money when married, and I would say it is always the sensible option. As negative and glass-half-empty as it might be, you only have to look at threads on here to know that things can happen completely out of the blue, partners can leave, or cheat, or turn abusive - and if you have nothing, that really sucks.

What ISN'T on however, is the higher earner withholding money unfairly, say someone earning a few hundred a month (or SAHM) and the other earning thousands, and only putting enough for their half of the bills into the joint account. I don't think one of the couple should be able to live the high life - obviously depending on why the other is low earning.

willstarttomorrow · 22/10/2019 21:02

Widowed now but never had a joint account. Basically we were adults with children and a mortgage together and just worked out how things were paid fairly. Honestly it was just a matter of communication and the whole joint account thing makes me uncomfortable. Obviously you can have a personal account and a joint one too, but the bloody banging on off friends and colleagues about abuse of the joint account!

HavelockVetinari · 22/10/2019 21:05

OP do you and your husband earn similar amounts? Do you think it's fair if one partner has significantly more disposable income than the other, so one is buying 2nd hand clothes whilst the other shops at John Lewis and has multiple holidays? Confused

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 22/10/2019 21:06

I have no idea what we each have leftover in our individual accounts. We both earn roughly the same salary, but I don’t know what DH spends his money on, and vice versa. Does it matter? I really can’t get my head around one person earning loads more but then having to share it once all household things are taken into account. So I’m talking about sharing childcare costs, sharing bills, sharing children’s clothes, activities etc. But individually, why should another person fund your lifestyle?

OP posts:
Shenanagins · 22/10/2019 21:06

We are the same, works for us, actually me as I don’t want him to see how much I’m spending!

Another40ththread · 22/10/2019 21:07

We do this with equal disposable income. Makes sense to us.

JingsMahBucket · 22/10/2019 21:09

@itsgoodtobehome I agree and this is how I’ve done it with partners before. I was taught that a woman should always have her own money.

vivacian · 22/10/2019 21:12

There’s a thread at the moment where wifey has £100 at the end of the month and hubby has £1250. Hubby thinks she ought to earn more money.

WTAF is this?