To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

[itsgoodtobehome]

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

Having a joint bank account does not mean you rely on your partner for money. At the moment i earn more than my dh. But there are times he earns more than me. Every penny we both earn is for both of us.

I have to honest, I would feel very uncomfortable with separate bank accounts in a marriage, especially when there are children. When you strip it all back and all is said and done, surely it comes down to trust?

How often does it happen that a couple earn exactly the same? So what this set up inevitably means, is that one person in a marriage has more disposable income than the other. Yet you are a family. How does this work?

As for, “I like to spend as and when I wish,” well, you should be able to do that from a joint account! It’s the same money Why do you think your DH wouid resent you for it?

All this percentages of this and that - who can be bothered?!

I think some people have “separate spends” after bills etc are paid. I can understand this if you’re trying to budget or keep track on how much you’re spending on “personal” items / treats etc. But I do think that having one partner with a higher disposable income than the other in a marriage, is most. peculiar indeed - sorry I’ve been SAH for over 10 years - should I have been living on thin air? Should DH take the attitude it’s all “his” money?” Er no.,

We have our own current accounts and each pay a proportion of our family costs into a joint account. At the moment it is about 66:33 as DH earns more than me. This covers mortgage, bills, a sinking fund for house maintenance, food, children stuff inc pocket money and music lessons.

We check every year or so to make sure we'll have enough going on. Our earnings above that are for us each to spend and we end up with about the same spending money.

We have a joint checking account, joint savings and then our own savings accounts. All income goes into the joint account. We then divy it up from there.
For those only pooling bills, and keeping the rest but with no insight to how much the other has to keep- how do you fund your retirement? What would you do if you funded IRAs/pensions for yourself and your spouse just spent “as they wished” and then come age 65 you’re finding out that your saving and scrimping has to cover TWO adults?

You see, I am all for having own money so long as there is 100% transparency and not only are current bills met, but retirement savings and other savings also accomplished fairly. For example, when my husband was SAHP for a few years, I paid into his Roth IRA (a type of pension) because I knew him not working for a few years would affect his retirement savings as well as future earning potential. He has done the same for me when I was home with the kids.

We're the same as you op and my oh puts in twice as much as me to the joint account so we both have the same fun money, I think that's different though and it is shared money with an agreement on how much we both get for disposable.
If there was an emergency we would both expect the other to chip in and in that sense it is shared but with discretionary spending pots.

I think what gets people annoyed is hearing about women with no control or access to partners finances who are struggling and paying loads out of their own account with no help

This is fair in my opinion if you don’t have children.

Me and DH used to have separate accounts but when I got pregnant with our first son we opened a joint bank account too.

At this point my DH was probably bringing home £600 a month more than me.

Both our salaries went into our joint account and then £400 was transferred into his personal account and £400 was transferred into my personal account. This meant we had the same amount of personal spends and then absolutely every other cost came out of the joint account:

Mortgage
Household bills
Holidays
Car payments/petrol
Mobile phone bills
Professional fees
Childcare
Money for our savings account
Money for our holiday saving account
Food shopping
Anything child related and childcare.

Etc, etc.

We have since had a second child and my husband now brings home over double what I earn but the financial set-up is still the same. We would never look at our account and this his money and my money, it’s just our money as a family.

We don’t “find each other’s lifestyle” as we have our £400 personal spends to use as we wish. There is no way my husband would ever think “Well DW doesn’t earn as much as me so she doesn’t deserve the same amount of spending money as me.”

You may not understand why people would have joint accounts but I can’t understand how married couples can see money as his and hers and how one partner can be happy with the other partner having significantly less money than them to spend once all monthly expenditures have been dealt with. That way of living is just odd to me.

But different things work for different people.

It's your money, do what you want.

I have join accounts with DH, I don't need a private one, but we do get on which seems to make a huge difference. We only discuss big purchases, apart from that, we spend what we want - within the amount we have obviously.

Much less faff to have shared finance for us, I mean it's pretty obvious if one has a gym membership or suddenly gets an expensive gadget. No one needs authorisation from the other to spend our money - as long as bills are paid, and kids come first. I am not sure I would be comfortable to be with a man so controlling that I would need my own account to keep my freedom. That doesn't feel right to me.

We have always had a joint account and shared everything.

Initially I was the main breadwinner with a salary almost double DH's. I then supported DH through his masters and his salary got closer to mine. I became a SAHM and DH took over the breadwinner role.

The whole time all money was 'ours'.

We initially transferred out a bit each month into sole accounts depending on how much was left but that has faded and now we just buy what we need.

He now earns 4 x what I do in my 'basic job' so 'supports my lifestyle' but then he wouldn't have been able to progress into that role without my support! We're a team.

FWIW I think in a divorce all money is considered joint whoever's account it is in.

@DoctorAllcome

We both have good occupational pensions funded by salary sacrifice so bills can be divvied up without that.

Savings are funded by us both saving and then deciding how it is most sensible and efficient to hold the money - isas cannot be held jointly so we take it in turns to take out isas at the start of a tax year.

Don’t forget that if you do have separate accounts it can be very difficult to access the other person’s account if they die so make sure you have contingency plans in place.

We do as a lot here seem to do - it all goes in the joint pot, we have joint savings, and then we transfer about £100 to each of our own accounts for our own spends etc to be able to buy what we want, buy each other presents etc.

As others have said, when you have kids and one persons career, current earnings and future earning potential takes a hit, that seems the fairest way to do it.

You are facilitating their "lifestyle" of being able to work full time!!

Totally agree with you OP

Husband pays the bills and I pay the mortgage. He pays me over the difference. Otherwise our money is our own. Of course we share it and we do have a joint account for savings but it’s only an online one - no card.

It works for us 🤷🏻‍♀️

All this percentages of this and that - who can be bothered?!

We have separate accounts and marvel at the elaborate algorithms some people use to try and make contributions to a shared pot fair in their eyes.

Our bills tend to get paid by whoever opens the envelope. DH pays more out of his account because he owned the house before we were married and the associated outgoings have remained in his name. We couldn't be bothered to change them because it makes absolutely no difference to the money we have.

My DH and I earn the same annually. We have sole accounts. I have two, one for bills and one for spends. He pays half the bills in every month, and we have a credit card that we use for food and fuel. That gets paid in full from the bills account. Works for us.

We have our own money, we wouldn’t want it any other way. It means you can spend money if you feel like it! You can buy clothes for yourself, things for the house, gifts for people, including DH.

We share the bills, although DH pays more because he has more coming in. We have a holiday savings account, which we pay into equally, and we have a house account for repairs and replacing items.

We never argue about money, it’s all sorted!

how do those who agree on separate accounts handle things like maternity leave? Do you save up for years before having a child so you don't have to financially rely on your DH/DP?

Hubby earns 4x what I do. He pays for nearly everything. I keep my own money for my own bits and things for kids x

We’ve been married 21 years and have never (other than in name, on the mortgage) shared an account. We split the bills according to the differences in earnings, and the rest is ours to do with as we choose. This doesn’t mean we spend it exclusively on ourselves- my account tends to be used on meals out and holidays, where DH’s is more on home purchases, and if either of us overspends- the other will transfer money to cover it.

We both like this arrangement!

The part I find ironic is that if its your own money in marriage and that works for you both then that's fine.

But if you were to divorce you'd have to split it.

I think OPs solution is fair and fine where both partners are working and earning comparable wages.

However it falls down when one partner gives up work to look after the children, or if there is a large disparity in income. Especially if the wealthier partner wants a bigger house and more expensive lifestyle.

Where that is the case then both partners need equal access to all the money. It's unfair if one person only has £50 left over for luxuries after bills and the other has £500, for example.

how do those who agree on separate accounts handle things like maternity leave? Do you save up for years before having a child so you don't have to financially rely on your DH/DP?

We split the maternity leave equally too! It was awesome, I can recommend it it really does help dads understand what mums do all day.

I always thought this was how it was done. We have our accounts and 1 joint one which is used rarely ( house buying \ wedding cheques) the first one to see a bill sorts it if you run low the other one sends you money. I don't think the actual account set up is relevant if the attitude towards money is it's joint. As an aside I have most our money in my name and all children accounts as DH is a bit slack when it comes to managing interest rates. I do not believe this is my money for 1 instant.

Nobody has to quit work or go part time after having children though. Men don’t in the main, they are expected to just work and pay for everything well we don’t all want to stick our babies in full time childcare once our company mat pay runs out (after 3 months!)

As said, it is more common in married couple where both earn similar. I've worked ft all my life and managed my own money on the basis of my income, I would absolutely hate not knowing what's in my account because oh might have used it or worse having to discuss any spend over £10 even £50. Oh feels the same.

Ultimately it is more often the party most vulnerable financially who believes that a joint account should be a given.